42?

Why does life always have to present so damn many questions that are unable to be answered?
Why is it, one moment we can be so happy, and the next it so easily slips, only to return, and go around and around in that very cycle?
Why does life always make you question if you made the right choices, and if you are making the right choices, to reassure you of that, only to pull it out of you like your breath being taken by a strong gust of wind??

Why, why, why??

..I know the answer is not 42

Tonight has been nothing other than bliss.
Sometimes we wonder what tomorrow may bring, and honestly, after last night, i was sincerely scared of that thought, yet in reality, what tonight has brought is something so great and so close, i can only wish all of you, dear readers, could ever be there as well.

Simple nights sometimes can bring the greatest pleasures. Daddy and i began by simple chit chat, and trying to remember how to play the new card game we ordered that came today, Mille Bornes. Of course this turned into us playing it...for a good 2 hours...in which i whooped Her ass, fyi....5 times!!! GOOOO MEEEE! Woohoo!!
During the game we had lovely conversation, at times, deeper than i would have ever anticipated, but still great...(what we talked about, i ought not touch upon at this point in time...a good lot of it stemmed from my being an empath...something i wish i could hide, many times...) Continuing on, after our hours of silly game play, silly conversation, as well as more serious notes, somehow i ended up bent over the kitchen counter....and oh boy, how lovely that was. my sweet Daddy takes me places i only wish i could accurately describe!! :-)

All in all, tonight has been a taste of bliss...a bliss we have always shared, yet have lost at moments. Daddy has said i am no longer to address Her as anything other than Daddy, and this is something i would have never dreamed of by Her. Yet also something i would have dreamed of Her doing...She seems to be truly embracing the inner Daddy She possesses, and this is something i have hoped and prayed for, yet honestly, never truly expected....

With this being said, i shall wrap this little blog up, and go wrap myself in my sweet Daddy's arms, and get some much needed rest....

xoxo.
~A

A Thoughtful Moment....

We all sit and wonder sometimes, what if...

what if we were left alone, to fend for ourselves in this cold, harsh world. What if we were left with every ounce of pain and lowliness we had ever felt, and had nowhere to turn with just that. These are the moments that we have nowhere to turn to. There is no place to run away from the darkness we possess at these volitle moments. This is the time when all we wish and dream and desire (for) is someone to hold us closely. These are the moments that none of us want to deal with in the moment, but we all have to accept and justify at one moment or another...these are the moments, at this one, i wish to speak of....

Some may look at my life and see it as something picturesque; as something they wish for or envy...but these are those very moments that i would try to encourage others against. These are those moments where the only true answer lies so deeps within oneself that it makes one feel if oneself is drowning....

Sometimes life presents itself in such ways that one does not know if one is drowning or if one is truly struggling to stay afloat...these are the moments where we all have to look to a higher presence, a higher being, and ask if one is worthy of the great gift that has been presented.


i have been granted the greatest gift i could have ever imagined in this glorious life. i have the person that loves me, unconditionally. i have that person that loves me whether i do right or wrong. i have that wonderful Woman that will take me in Her arms and tell me She loves me, no matter what i do; whether i do right or wrong...She still loves me.
Sometimes i wonder why She loves me to the extent that She does. Frequently i wonder when She will decide i am no longer worth it, and She can find an easier path in Her life, yet still, She sticks by my side. Thick and thin, i turn my head, and there She stands...more times than not, i wonder why, yet then i remember, although She may not always believe Herself to be a true Daddy, but She is. She is my true Daddy...

To me, my Daddy is someone who is there to support and push me no matter what. She is there, through thick and thin, to help me be a better person for not only me, but our family. For Her, me, and our family. my Daddy is someone who is always there to pull my head onto Her shoulder adn tell me it will be okay, even in times of doubt. my Daddy knows how to make it all better. She knows how to embrace and surround me in Her essence and take away all of my pain....

i am a complicated girl. i do not always know what is right and what is wrong, nor what way is up and what way is down; yet my true Daddy always knows how to push me in the right direction and show me what i should be doing at any given moment. my true Daddy knows just the right way to hold me, and to make me feel loved...my Daddy knows just what to do to make me feel oh so very very love by Her, and in these moments, that is all that matters....
to this babygirl.

little Chloe...allows me to discreetly be in babygirl mode *grins*

So, today little miss Chloe (also known as my mini, or C) got a *big* my little pony. She is so neat! The pony, Pinkie Pie, is a pony that you can do her hair and stuff. ..she came with a cutesy little comb, blowdryer, and bunches of little clippies! I saw her, fell in love with her, showed her to c, who also fell in love with her...and then we got to get her, take her back to the house, and play! Little Chloe was all about brushing her hair, as well as her (first) new baby doll's, (who she calls Bay-bay) hair, and putting clips in it...as well as her own. She was so funny, rocking out her pony's hair clippies! **Supah-fly**
It was fun, and extremely freeing today, to sit on the floor with my mini-- her plopped in my lap--and just play. I ended up putting Pinkie Pie's hair in a ponytail and 2 braids with 2 clippies...and just letting her tail be. Lol! (yes, I highjacked mini's new pony for a bit *giggles* annnnddd we put 2 clippies in Bay bay's hair *grins* ...as well as the one in my mini's hair, which she was totally rocking it out! I was in the mostest bestest babygirl space i have had in so long, for those couple hours. It felt really good, to just let go, and let my babygirl heartmshine freely..
So, we had fun today...a lot of it. I cannot believe how big she's getting!! She brushes babydolls hair? And her own?? She's learning to effectively color in coloring books, without eating the crayons....she colored with sidewalk chalk the other day!?! Oh my...she's just growing up so fast, and as much fun as it is
, its so terrifying! My mini is getting so big, so fast.... *tears...don't know if they are happy or sad ones!*

I just cannot wait to give her what she really needs and deserves...her family. Mummy, mommyRhonda, Chloe and her(my) doggie. I can't wait to take her HOME. (echoes in my head...'soon, babygirl, soon.)

So, last night i was needing cuddles...missing Daddy more than words can express, and unable to get ahold of Her, so, in a selfish moment, to pacify myself, I actually kidnapped mini out of her bed while she was sleeping, and put her in bed with me. She was so precious...her little head on my pillow with me, curled up at my side, her little arm thrown over me....it felt good...I've missed her little cuddly self in bed with me every night. I figured, one night wouldn't break her though....perhaps it was actually good for the both of us *smiles*

So there's my babble...my little baby is getting not so little!! Eeks! ...i dont know how i feel a out this

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I love how Daddy can make everything okay with just a few words...just a simple 'I love you babygirl' and the world seems brighter...

She makes me complete...I have found my One, and I love it...

Last night a friend of mine and I were on the phone talking about the people we are with, and how much the distance sucks. (we are both involved in LDR's) As we continued talking, I was saying how much it hurt sometimes, being apart and whatnot. She sat there and said to me, 'wow. You really are in love.' it was kind of funny how she said it though...in complete shock. We have known each other for quite sometime, and the amazement in her voice was so mind-blowing...she was very happy that I am so happy...but even more happy that I sounded so head over heels in love...

It's enlightening to hear from someone else how in love you are with someone, just by the sound in your voice when you talk about that special person...as my dear friend said, I finally found my One....

The light at the end of the tunnel

Sometimes life can be hectic- so hectic. Things get to where you don't know what is what...you cannot tell what end is up. The good news in times like these are that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don't think there will be...sometimes, you just need someone to remind you that everything will be okay.

That is exactly where I am right now. Beginning to come out of the chaotic stress, and have that glorious light shine through; that light that has been trying so hard to shine through, but at times has been dimmed by unfortunate circumstances, only to be focused in on again by the words of my Daddy. 
There have been so many days lately where everything just seems like it is too much to handle. There have been so many times where I have felt so hopeless and lost, as if nothing matters. I've felt inadequate on so many levels-- as a mother, a partner, even as Her babygirl. I have felt as though I could not pull through this chaotic mess. I have been scared of what may happen. I have been scared that She would no longer want me, because I have acted like such a little brat and tried to push Her away, without meaning to in the moment when really, all I've wanted is for Her to pull me closer. To tell me 'everything is going to be okay, babygirl....' and that is just what She has done.
She has shown me, in so many ways, just how important I am to Her. How much She loves me. How much She also desires our family....no matter how bratty I've been...

This past month has been very difficult for me. My mini and I have been in Alabama, with an ex of mine. (yes, slightly awkward for me, but that's neither here nor there at this point) Daddy has trusted me completely, which feels good, but the whole situation has been less than desirable. I have had my poor 15month old in a one bedroom apartment, on the 10th floor, in downtown Montgomery, in an icky, disgusting, dirty, apartment. It's had me stressed to the point of breaking out in head to toe hives...it's been less than ideal, by far. 
We were expecting to be here until the beginning of september, however, after a gracious offer, we will be taking the last leg of our trip before being able to settle down, in Fayetteville, North Carolina. On Tuesday afternoon, Chloe and I will be flying out of here to spend the duration of our separation from Daddy in Fayetteville, with Laura. Chloe will have the space in a house to run and play, as well as a huge backyard...and not only Laura's doggies, but our doggie, Thumper(who I cannot wait to wrap my arms around and cuddle!!) I'm really excited to be going someplace that I feel is adequate for my mini...she deserves to have so much more than she has here in this skeevy little apartment! ...and then, after the next couple weeks, she and I both will have my Rhonda(Daddy) and her MommyRhonda back....for keeps....

So, as the month winds down, it comes closer to going back to Daddy...to going home, at last. Saying 'home' feels so good. I long to be in Daddy's arms again oh so very much. The thought of being by Her side every night as I fall asleep, and every morning when I wake is the most amazing thought in the world....'soon, babygirl, soon' these words echo in my head every day...and make things better, even when it seems as though that light at the end of the tunnel is dim...somehow my wonderful, amazing Daddy always seems to point me in the way of that effervescent light again...She always has Her way with me.....(hehe...on a myriad of levels)

With that being said, I am going to wind down and curl up with Daddy's tshirt, and dream of Her....just wanted to update! I am trying to work blog time in...really!!

Xoxo.
~A

What a horrendous night this has turned into...all I want to do is to talk to Her...to hear Her voice again...to hear Her say 'sweet dreams babygirl' and that She loves me...is that so much to ask for?
After a god awful, horribly stressful day, I just want to feel Her love surrounding me...but instead I feel Her discontent with me; with my brattiness...sometimes *this* babygirl goes into a space that needs Her not to just give up on me at that moment, rather pull me closer...like She initially did tonight...before poofing away (although I do believe it was due to connectivity issues) it still hurts a lil bit....

I suppose I will go to bed and stop stressing, seeing as though that is the LAST thing I need to do, especially with these horrendous hives I am covered in, supposedly due to stress...I can wrap myself up in Her tshirt, and cry myself to sleep...just as I have done so many nights recently...

I hate this so much...3 weeks....3 long, tiresome, stressful, itchy weeks......I don't know how to soothe myself at this point....I just want OUT of this shitty place, and back into the arms of my Daddy,

Daddy........

Wrapped in Your shirt
Like my armor
I am safe.
Others know where I am at
And I feel You with me.
I feel Your presence
More than You could ever know.
I feel Your warm embrace...
Your breath in my ear...
Your lips upon my cheek.

I know that even though Your far away
You are with me...
And I am with You...
No matter what.

Your love keeps me safe.

<3

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So, I wrote a blog...of substantial length. Then I smartened up. The things I was saying were intimately personal things. They illustrated my innermost feelings in quite a graphical sense. ...ergo, I decided to pull the blog.
I am frustrated. I am irritated. I am inconsolable. I am bratty. I am hurt. I am confused...yet deep down in, under all of the pain I am feeling, I am still loved.

And this is all that matters.

sweet dreams Daddy

I see that smile as You fall asleep; as I tell You sweet dreams, and other mundane things I am thing....it warms *this* babygirl heart even more. That simple smile brings more happiness than You can imagine...

I love You Daddy. I love You more than words can express. The only thing getting me day to day is knowing that soon I will be by Your side. For good.

That I'm Yourbabygirl, for keeps, just as You are my Daddy.

Briefing....also known as an update.

So, tonight I am enjoying the sanctity of solitude...at least for the time present.

After a bit under two weeks here in Alabama, I am feeling that 'drop,' quite intensely, of not having my DaddyR by my side. (yes, I know and understand that She is doing Her damnedest to have me and Chloe there ASAP, and I truly appreciate this with every fiber of my being, but that does not mean that I am not able and entitled to having my own negative feelings due to us being apart) With that little side note being said, I am quite distraught over our distance. Again, yes, I signed up for this, in becoming involved in a LDR, yet, again, I am entitled to my feelings...(babygirl, yes. Strong-minded, yes. Good combo? Not always)

Really, this blog has no true purpose. I miss Her more than words can express. Currently, I am covered, head to toe, in hives...no idea why, honestly, However, I truly believe that they are somewhat related to my emotional state. Stress=sucking...perhaps there is some other hidden evil behind all of these itchy, burning red blotches, but I will not cease to believe that some element of them is due to stress...stress of not being with Her.

So, now comes the true question...why am I taking this so rough? Why is so having such a negative effect on me, this time, yet it hasn't impacted my wellbeing to this extent before?
Well, gentle readers, that's a damn good question...one that I only wish I had a true answer to...
The biggest reason I attribute to this is that as time moves forward with Her and I, I become more emotionally invested, as well as vulnerable. Yes, vulnerability scares the hold beegeezus out of me...but also, yes, it is worth it this time. For once, it is finally worth it to feel--both the ups and downs; the highs and lows--everything. Sheis worth feeling everything I trust Her...a lot more than I am readily willing to admit...

With that being said, I am going to return to my evening of solitary asylum...while waiting for that ever-so-longed-for call, from Her....I just thought this was a good time for a quicky! (get your head out of your pants! I'm referring to an update!*grins*)

***oh, and please forgive any horrendous typos...I'm not proofreading tonight.***

Sleepy...so sleepy.

Pretty certain that I just posted a blank blog, by mistake...in any event, this is short, sweet, and to the point...

Today has been a very long day. The baby was intense, to say the least...all day.
I've been feeling all sorts of separation anxiety with my DaddyR, and all we can do is wait, and hope for the best....
As chloe and I were playing games on the iPad with pictures, it felt like I couldn't breathe. It was all I could do to keep a straight face. My heart hurt, so badly, knowing that I am not with Her right now....

We talked for a little bit, but today has been a long day, so it ended with Her falling asleep on skype with me...I can still see Her, which makes it a bit better...

I'm wrapped up in Her tshirt, in bed, winding down now...I just wanted to throw a few lines up...perhaps some sense was made of them, but I don't really know...I'm so exhausted, on such a myriad of levels...

With that being said, I am going to sleep, wrapped safely in Her tshirt, with Her sleeping skype beside the bed....

Thank You, Daddy

Today was not an easy day, but when it comes to a close, one can more easily evaluate it in all....
I am not going into a play by play, nor am I sharing why it was not an easy day; rather tonight, I am here to thank my Dasdy for everything She does.

I know that things can be, and are, extraordinarily difficult at times. For me and my Daddy right now, this is the time. This is the time that our dreams are close enough to touch, but then slip away, so quickly, to return to us later. This is the time that She tells me She would understand if I walk away, yet I tell Her I would never do that...these are the times that our love is put to the true test...but are able to withstand everything that this world throws at us. This is the time where WE prove how strong WE are, together, as one, rather than apart, as two...

After a very turbulative day, to say the least, I believe we will come out stronger for it. It doesn't feel like that right now, but I know that we will be even stronger for it... Things I learned today today did do hurt. My babygirl heart feels as if it is breaking in ways, but at the same time, it is okay. I know that my Daddy is doing everything in Her power to give me...us...what we most desire....Each other, and OUR family.

I know that my Daddy would do anything possible to bring us back together immediately, yet unfortunately, it is not always that easy. My heart is screaming out, and crying and bleeding for Her touch again...knowing that I cannot do anything right now to make everything easier hurts more than I ought to try to explain...I just want to help Her.......

Back to my initial purpose...the day has been long, stressful and difficult; but I believe it is all going to be okay. *This* babygirl has been in her fierce, strong, kickass femme mode, and that is perfectly okay. Daddy likes that Her babygirl can stand on Her own if needed; that she can be strong; that in difficult times, she can step up and support her Daddy, just as Daddy does for her... Daddy likes the dynamic personality that Her babygirl possesses.

With that being said, I want to express my gratitude to my Daddy for giving me the time tonight to reconnect with my babygirl...I needed to feel that safety and secureness tonight, just for a little bit, and although Her day was more difficult than mine in many ways, She allowed my babygirl space. I needed the moments to be free again...to feel carefree for those moments....to know that no matter what, I am safe with Her, in each and every way.


My Daddy may not be the stereotypical Daddy, but She is MY Daddy. She still shares real emotion with me and gives me a voice, no matter what....even when I don't want one. She is more perfect than I could ever begin to express. She is sweet, and sensitive...caring, nurturing, loving...yet only has to say one word in that firm tone of voice to push me in the right direction. My Daddy is perfect. She is perfect for me, even when She doesn't believe She is....
She makes all of my dreams become reality....


I love You DaddyR. You give me more than You will ever know...I just wish I could return to You what You give to me....

A

Light at the End of the Tunnel

So, today has been a very, uhm, colorful day, to say the least. After last night, I was left feeling a little distraught...a bit broken and unsure. I didn't know which way was up. I didn't understand what happened. I felt as though I had done somethng wrong, but deep doen in, ultimately, I knew I had not...The better part of me was wishing I had, because it would at least explain something. I was silently chastising myself for something I could not pointSo, today has been a very, uhm, colorful day, to say the least. After last night, I was left feeling a little distraught, to say the least. I didn't know which way was up. I didn't understand what happened last night. I felt as though I had done somethng wrong, but knew I had not...I was wishing I had, because it would at least explain something. I was silently chastising myself for something I could not point out....
A bit later, I finally talked to Her. Although it was still fairly early, it felt like I had waited forever, just to hear Her voice again...I understand that She is terribly stressed out right now; there is a lot going on, and I definitely do not fault Her for this; it's just hard-- especially not knowing or understanding what is going on.

So, moving forward, after talking to Her on messenger, I felt a little bit better...She made me feel Her presence again...I didn't feel as lost. I was a bit concerned about Her, because She did not seem to be in a good space, but I know She is strong, and I can be strong for Her as well.
Today was a day my dynamic personality had to show. Rather than being babygirl, I was more than willing and able to be the strong, kickass femme I also am. Her strong, kickass femme. I wanted to support Her in any and every way that I could. If I could take away all of the stress and worries, I would...unfortunately I am not capable of that. All I could do was speak words of comfort, and let Her know that no matter what, I am by Her side...I am always Her biggest fan, cheering Her on.

As the day progressed, She looked at a couple apartments for us...so we can all be together again-soon...the happy little family we make, so well... She was put off by the first She saw, calling me, telling me how awful it was...however, the next call I received was something totally different. She didn't have the same sullen, melancholy tone to Her voice, rather, She was radiant. She found something She really, really liked, that was perfectly reasonable...
Honestly, I was concerned about it for a couple of reasons, but as She continued to tell me about it, hearing the joy radiating from Her voice, I began to warm up. She seemed so happy that She had found it, and did not want to look any further. As apprehensive as I felt, even being in my strong, kickass femme mode, I still trust Daddy. I still trust Her judgement totally, wholeheartedly.

So, as the story goes, She signed the lease today and can move in on Tuesday! As unsure as I initially was, when I heard that She got it, all of my fears and apprehensions dissipated. Everything felt as though it got sucked into this whirlwind of surreal perfection. I don't even have the words to explain it. I felt such an extreme rush of emotion. I wanted to scream out in joy. I wanted to cry. I felt so much, it was almost a numbness...there's absolutely no way to explain the myriad of emotions that I was overcome with.
I am still in shock that this is actually real. Part of me is still expecting to wake up, and it all have been a dream...if this is a dream, it is a dream that I never want to wake up from; a dream that I expect never to wake up from. The light at the end of the tunnel is finally in sight.

Now, it is just waiting to get back up there...and once we are back, we are finally home. Chloe will have her mommy's, I will have my DaddyR, and She will have Her babygirls. *grins* both of us.I finally can see my happily ever after. My perfect little family. Our perfection...and I cannot wait to live it.

my true self...my innocence...my babygirl heart.

You took a piece of my fragile heart and threw it away tonight, as if it didn't matter or exist. You made me feel unimportant ...unwanted and unloved. You made me promises and gave me hope, making my day brighter, only to break them; letting me down and making everything feel so broken...especially this fragile, scared babygirl heart.
I put so much faith and trust in You. Do You not see this? I have trusted You with every piece of me.....i have shown You parts of myself that no one has ever seen. You have seen the REAL me; raw and unedited. Bare and true and vulnerable. I have given You parts of myself that i could never even have dreamed of showing anyone...i have let the terrified babygirl, so full of innocence, buried deep within me out, because i have trusted You to keep her safe. i have given You the greatest gift i have to offer- my true self, full of so much hope. Full of so many dreams. Full of complete innocence, in more ways than You could ever dream of.

Do You not realize that i have put total and compete faith in You? Can You not see that I've placed not only my heart and soul, but my true innermost self in Your hands? I've given You my true innocence. I've placed every ounce of hope and faith in Your hands, trusting You to keep me safe. Trusting You to protect my babygirl heart...

I have nothing more to give. You own every part of my mind, body, heart, and soul. I am, in every way, 100% Yours...You hold the key to my heart. You carry my innermost self in Your pocket. You have my truest self--My babygirl heart. The pure, unjaded innocence that no one else is able to know. You hold the power in Your palm without even knowing.
I live to make You happy. I strive to make You proud. I would do anything and everything You would ever ask...i am Yours, in each and every way possible, yet You don't see it...perhaps You don't even want it... but i need You to. I need You to need me in ways You dont want to admit. I need You to want these parts of me no one else has been worthy of. I need You to see the absolute unconditional love that i have for You...but most of all, i need You to love me and keep me safe. I need You to embrace my babygirl heart that I've given to You, and never let her go...

Every step i take is for You...all i ask in return is Your love...this babygirl heart needs to be cared for and cherished...i need You to keep me safe...

Please, Daddy...wrap me in Your warmth and safety...protect the innocence i possess; the innocence i am made of. I am Yours, in every way possible...just please, protect Your babygirl...

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It hurts more and more, not being by Her side. Although we have only been apart for a little less than a week, my heart is bleeding and screaming out in agony. i feel as i am missing a life force. i feel as though a (big) piece of me is missing.
i think about this crappy situation right now and how we cannot be together at the moment. i wish with every fiber in my being that we will be together again, soon...very soon. But i am terrified that we may not be as soon as we would like....

Every morning i wake up, and for that tenth of a second where i am opening my eyes, i believe She is there. And then reality revisits. The harsh pain of reality. She is not beside me. i am not wrapped in Her arms, only Her t-shirt....there are sporadic moments throughout the day where i turn my head and expect Her to be there- yet then i remember that She isn't...it was merely a daydream i had hoped to melt into...

My heart breaks every moment of every day, knowing that i do not have Her right there. My heart breaks every time i think of being in Her arms or even just sitting in the car with Her, laughing and being silly together. My heart breaks looking at the pictures of Her and Chloe playing, or reminiscing over the fun little family adventures we have already had together. My heart breaks knowing that my ourfamily cannot be together right now...

The only thing that makes it bearable at all is the hope that we will all be together again soon. The warm, light, joy-filled memories that i have. Knowing that Chloe will have her MommyRhonda back and i will have my best friend, my lover, my Daddy, and my future wife by my side again...our perfect little family will be able to be just that...perfect.

It still hurts though.

Daddy, i have a secret for You...

I have a little secret that i MUST tell You now, Daddy...please don't be upset with me! ...when I was finishing that last batch of laundry, hanging all of Your clothes, i stumbled upon one of Your shirts that had fallen to the bottom of the closet...
I have never seen You in it, and it looked so comfy...*bashful grin*
I knew I was leaving the next day and needed something of Yours to keep with me, especially at night, when I need Your safety and comfort most....so I packed it with my stuff, *nervous blush* promising myself i would tell You...I felt silly about it though...I don't know why, but I did. I'm sorry I didn't tell You right off...but for some reason, I thought You would think it was silly. :-(

So, earlier today, I decided I would find a creative way to tell You I borrowed Your shirt.......I've slept in or with of every night. If I've been to warm, I've had one arm through one sleeve, so i dont wake up without it ever so close to me, and the rest wrapped around me, nuzzling down into it...it makes me feel safer- and closer to You...it makes my tears fade more easily, just because it's Yours....
I'm sorry I didn't ask first...I was scared I may forget or something...I'm sorry I haven't told You yet...I was scared You would think it was silly, or worse, be mad at me for not asking...
Either way, I must say, I'm not sorry for borrowing it...at all. It keeps me close to You...it keeps You with me...it keeps me safe, by being a part of You.

I hope You are not upset with me, rather see the innocence of it...my babygirl heart couldn't risk not having a part of You with me....

I need You with me. I need You to hold my hand and keep me safe,sometimes. I need You to keep *this* babygirl heart safe...and cherish her....I just need You.

I love You Daddy....my One, my Only.

So, there's my (not so) 'dirty little secret' to You....
*bashful smile*
...still love Your babygirl?

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Another sleepless night...

Another night where sleep seems unable to find me. I miss Her so much...all I can think of is being by Her side again, and having our family back together...
I spent the past 2-3 hours looking at more homes for us, with seemingly decent luck. Im pretty certain I have about 15+ emails from myself at this point for different homes for us. My mind is consumed by thoughts of having our family back. I need it, and I need it soon; just as I know She needs it...and little C needs it...
Today was rough because I hardly got to speak to Her, which ripped my heRt apart...luckily, this evening, we finally got some time together, online...better than nothing. She made me smile and feel the warm fuzzies again, which I was really needing. She called me Her babygirl, and made me feel like I was melting all over...it was nice...
That one word coming from Her mouth can take my darkest moments and fill them with rays of light again...

I must go and try to get sleep. It is already well past midnight, and I know C will be up at the asscrack of dawn, as usual! Hopefully the sleep fairies will work their magic, and help me get through this time right now without DaddyR....*sigh* I just miss Her so much....

...going to lay down, cuddled up with thoughts of being in Her arms again....

More babbling..

Tonight is a hard night...after a hard day.
The company tonight was enjoyable, but it never kept my mind off of Her, not that this surprises me. She consumes every fiber of my being; being without Her is like being without air. Times like these are the ones that remind me most intensely of just how much I truly do need Her.

I am in such babygirl space right now, sitting here, Indian style on the bed, in the dark...pouring my heart out to an iPad....I need my Daddy to pull me into Her arms, so close, and tell me everything IS going to be okay. I want Her arms wrapped around me, fingers running through my hair. I need to feel that warmth and safety and security that only Her touch can give me...scary, that I'm only a day into being away from Her...last night, right now, I was curled up to Her side, dreading daybreak, yet feeling complete still....

Reminiscing over my past few weeks (written as a letter to a dear friend)

Please pardon the personalization parts of this include, fore it was initially began as an email/letterto a dear friend, which turned into an emotional, reminiscing piece, that I thought may be appropriate to share here....



Hey you sexy lesbian you! I miss you too!! Mucho!!

So, the day before my bday (July 1st) ...the day we had to be out of the duplex, DaddyR pulled a bucket of crazy, and got us a last minute flight up to newark...amazed! That night we all drove up to Mass for the weekend, and spent the weekend with all of Her friends...the ones that I was terrified to meet, that I was hidden from for so long....so, it was amazing. I had never felt so welcome, and at home, in my life! It was amazing!! I lufffff them all! *grins* so, they all made my birthday incredibly special and it was just great! Days in the sun, out by their pool...letting Chloe play in the water and all that jazz...great bloody marys (lol) great company...just bliss!! Not to mention, it was pretty stellar, knowing that I was finally getting to meet all the mostest important people to Her. We had a stellar time...we even went to meet Her sister, who LOVED Chloe, and was uber sweet! I can't even put into words what a great time I had!
So, after we went back to NJ, we spent about a week at Her house, where I got to be Her happy lil houewife again, and just bask in the glory of being by Her side. The following week we went and housesat for a friend of Hers....awesome again!
Chloe had space to run and play, R and I got space to ourselves, without having to share space with roomates, Chloe got a room of her own to sleep in, again, giving R and I space...it was just great! We got to 'play house' as if it were our own....*le sigh*
so, after all of the awesome times then, including a super trip to the aquarium, as well as fun times at the park (which are on YouTube...search babygirlaften) we returned to Her house, which was still super, just having Her beside me every night....((god, I miss Her so much tonight...it's the first night we have been apart)) 
tons more fun...Her friend kept Chloe one night and the entire next day and She and I got real alone time-- dinner and movie/play time that night, and the next day, late breakfast (meaning we both got to sleep in!!) and then a busy day of shopping at the Premium Outlets! Daddy got me an ADORABLE skirt AND a new dress!! Not to mention, the previous weekend,when we went to the mall with Chloe...She picked out a super cute dress for me AND one for Chloe! (She spoils Her babygirl*s*) anyways, we had a super fun filled day off of parenthood, full of wicked crazy shopping and great times together!

So, that was that....we have hunted some apartments, and actually found one that we may take, but it isn't available until September 1st...so if She doesn't find something better and/or sooner, we may take that one...now, we just have to wait...the funds to move in (any place) up there are pretty intense...She is shooting for 1 month...and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that She can make it happen.....Daddy makes things happen.........


So, today, unfortunately, Chloe and I had to leave....we flew down to Alabama,  and are hoping that it will just be for the month....

((oh lawrd...here comes the A-motion *yes, I made a play on the word emotion*))

god, Mikey, I miss Her so much, already....I feel like my heart is breaking into a million little pieces. I know She is doing everything that She can to get us back up there, immediately...sometimes I just fear that it's going to be too much pressure on Her, or that I'm going to get upset over some trivial thing and be too much of a brat, and She's going to not want me/us anymore...I know I (we--me & Chloe) can be a LOT to take on, and I think a lot of my fears come from me, because I don't know if I could handle it, were the situation to be reversed; I just love Her so much....and I'm so scared...and not being with Her right now is hitting HARD.
At this point, all I can do is hope that things move quickly and smoothly....


So, dear Mikey, now that I have written you a short(ish) novel, I shall stop my babbling!  I had some time though, and thought I ought to share...and it was a nice little reminiscence of my past few weeks with my amazing DaddyR....*tear* keep your fingers crossed for soon success!! (after all, after we get settled, you MUST come up, visit, and meet my dearest Daddy, who would LOVE LOVE LOVE to meet you...as you know! *giggles*) With that being said, my sexy lesbian *wink* I will go for now...call/text/email...anytime! I missssss you...and our amazing 'straight' dates!

Xoxo.
A

Too much?

Today...what an emotionally tolling day. We have been up in NJ with DaddyR since July 1st...and today, left. I feel so broken without Her by my side...so, so broken...

I know She is adamantly looking for an apartment for us, so C and I can come back as soon as humanly possible, and we can resume our happy little family, but having to turn my back and walk through that airport again today was shattering. Sobbing, tears running down my face, and trying to pull it together so my our daughter doesn't see it and get upset....
I feel like I am trying to justify all of my feelings right now, which I am, but the bottom line right now is, without Her beside me, I feel like my heart is in a tourniquet...like I cannot exist as a whole anymore. I have grown so used to being by Her side; falling asleep and waking up in Her arms...knowing that I will not tonight, or tomorrow, or for a while now, is such a disheartening feeling. I am so used to and happy with that elated feeling Her love fills me with.

I know this is not only hard on me, but on Her as well. I know She is under even more pressure than I am, to find our home and provide for our family, but that doesn't necessarily make it more palatable for me. I wish I was in Her arms still....I wish I had a more concrete timeline for whe. We will be together again, but ultimately, I know the pressure is a lot on Her, and it terrifies me...it terrifies me that She has so much pressure on Her- what if it's too much?

I never want to be or cause too much for my One...my Hunni, my Lover, my Partner, my Daddy....

I laid in bed this morning, with my arms wrapped around Her, so thankful for the way She makes me feel. I laid there, my body pressed firmly against Hers, thinking to myself, 'this is my Daddy...She's so amazing.' rolling over, She wrapped me up in Her arms; so closely, so tightly...I laid there thinking what bliss it is, being beside Her. Running my fingers over Her skin, pausing in my favorite places, bubbling over with joy....
She makes my world right. She fills my babygirl heart with more joy that I can ever convey in words. My Daddy, my Lover, my Partner....my all.

Missing Her...

There is so much i should catch up on, however, i choose to just babble for a moment, while Chloe sleeps...

i cannot believe that only 1 week ago She was here with me. i don't know exactly why, but it seems to be hitting me a little harder than i would like to admit right now. Perhaps it is just because last week right now i was beside Her. i miss Her so much...right now, i have Her on the phone, on mute, while She is at work. As silly as it may sound, it's kind of neat *smiles* It's like a window into Her day; a closeness....
Yes, i'm a silly, sappy babygirl sometimes...

i cannot wait until we can be together. This distance gets harder and harder sometimes...All i wish is that i could be with Her. i know this will happen, perhaps sooner than later, yet it is still very emotionally tolling at times. She is so much to me. The little things She says and does--Her brushing my hair while She was here; telling me She is proud of me, and i am a good babygirl...the silly laughs we share over driving less than a mile a million times, looking for something...these little things that fill me with warmth and light....
i need Her with me, always....

i'm not trying to sound like i'm 'one of a kind' or that i have been through things that other people do not feel that they have been through; or that You actually feel that they have been through, but i would honestly (with every fiber in my being) like to find someone who actually has been, and honestly understands, what i have been through...
To understand the constant scrutiny and pain i felt, for 18 long months, is so far beyond what i would ever wish anyone other than me, and those who know what it is like, to feel what i have felt.



....however, i will always love You, to a level You will never understand, for so many reasons...one of those being You try, with every fiber in Your being, to understand just where i have been...
...yet i would never, ever wish for You to feel the pain i have felt.

Rollercoaster Day....

i know i haven't blogging like i typically do, but i will resume my typical pace, soon, hopefully....

For some reason i am a very strange space right now. i am kind of sullen, i suppose one could say. i am super stressed for way too many reasons, all being things that i have no control over at this moment, but cannot not stress about. i keep trying to occupy my mind elsewhere, but somehow, i always end up at the same dead end road....i'm pretty certain having the Adele cd on loop isn't helping much...as much as i love it, it's not exactly upbeat....

(now, lets begin to explain the roller coaster i feel like i am on today)

On the flip side, i am just about dying to see Her tomorrow night/Friday morning. (which begins to explain the roller coaster i feel like i am on today) i cannot wait to see Her, and be able to curl up to Her side; to feel Her arms around me again, to kiss Her....everything. i cannot believe that She will be on the way to see me tomorrow.
*i die*

And with that being said, life beckons me to get off of the computer.....

My Daddy is...

the most amazing person i have ever, EVA met, in my life.

Sitting here on the phone tonight, talking about our wedding plans. Intensely, talking about our wedding plans. Who i want to be in it...which comes down to 4 people, for me. Grams sister, Aunt Sandy, Nanette, Sam, and my babygirl sister, Deanna. That is what my wedding party consists of. These are the people that are the most important to me, and i feel the need to have by my side on the most important day of my life...

Let me paint you the black and white picture....this picture-perfect image....DaddyR and i, in white...our wedding party in black. Jaysen Arno, marrying us....the most important people i've ever been in contact with, by my side. my family in the background--including my dearest friends, such as Lou and her sweet son, Matthew; Georgene Foster, Grams best friend...the people that i could never imagine life existing without. Hatteras. These are the things that mean most to me. Grams picture painted into everyones mind; knowing that She and Grandpa Charlie are there in spirit, simply because it is at their home....and their baby has grown up and found her true love....

This is the picture that i see. i see the master suite in Grams house filled with my Rhonda and i...with Grams blessing, for once in my life....

They say that you look for someone like your mother/father in your mate; well, i look for someone like Grammy Dora...and i have finally found Her. Not only the physical portrayal of her, but the one woman that completely captures her essence. Somehow i got lucky, and found my soulmate. There's not a single day that goes by that i do not thank Gram for this blessing....

my past karma has finally caught up with me. i may not be all that i should be, in this life, but i know i have lived many lives prior to this one that my absolute essence is finally being rewarded....

Day 09-- 30 Days, 30 Letters

20 year old self.

Self,
I think the most important thing I can try to tell you at this point is to be true to yourself. Over the next few years things will begin to brighten up. Right now you are trying so hard to make others happy; don't forget yourself. Take the time to allow yourself to breathe....
Unfortunately I do not have a lot to convey to you right now. I know it would be so great to have all of the answers to everything, but you have to find them along the way...and you will. One day, everything will fall into place. It won't be easy, and you will have so many difficult decisions to make, but it will work out for the best. Utilize the strong people in your life, and don't let them go...after all, you will be going to spend time with the single most influential person in your life very, very soon. I  need not tell you who that is, because you will know who it is. She's always your biggest fan. She will open your eyes more while you spend that precious time with her, just make sure to take to heart what she says. Don't ever ignore what she tells you...She truly has your best interests at heart, even when she comes off slightly abrasive.
With that being said, I wish you much luck and success....You will find your way.

Your Future Self.

What a night.....

i'm not exactly sure why things are turning out the way they are right now. i didn't mean to cause a bad situation...i really didn't. i just became to thoughtful, and took a bad trip down memory lane...Apparently i did what i do best- push the one person i care most about away...

i feel so down today. It's like no matter what i say, She doesn't seem to care much. i just want Her to wrap me up in Her essence and make everything okay again. i know that it's not Her fault that things are a bit queer right now, but i don't know what to do to make everything better again. i didn't mean to push Her away; that's the furthest away from the truth, but apparently that is just what i have done. 

i am so scared that i am losing Her...i don't know what is going on. She says She wants to put last night behind us and pretend it didn't happen, but that is not what it feels like. i just want to be in Her arms, so bad....

Yesterday i woke up feeling like i was in a dream; today, it was a nightmare.... The night before last She told me about my surprise--She had planned a trip to come see me next weekend. It felt as if i had dreamed the whole thing; i was the happiest babygirl in the world. On my calendar i highlighted the days in bright colored, scented highlighter....then last night, after my little funk of some sorts, She texted me and said She was cancelling the trip. i feel like my heart is breaking. All i want is to see Her again. i need to be able to curl up next to Her, in Her arms...i need to be able to feel Her against me....i need to feel safe in Daddy's arms.....

i am in such a babygirl space right now. i just need Her. That's all.........

*tears*

As of tomorrow i will be taking a 48hr break from contact with everyone. i apoligize for this inconvience, but i feel it is needed for personal growth...

Simple Nights

Last night was a such an enjoyable night...it was simple.
Phone time together, and a few games of Yahtzee...oh so enjoyable...followed by beddy-by-time together........... *smiles*
We were on the phone for the majority of the night. Not all of the time spent on the phone was filled with words, which makes it all the better at times. Just knowing that She is there 'with me' in a sense; this is what makes my babygirl heart fill with the most intense joy.

Many people find it necessary to fill every moment with words, no matter how meaningless the words may be...not us...luckily we aren't one of those mundane couples that feel there has to be constant dialogue. i do not feel this is necessary; fore in life, every moment you spend together is not filled with incessant noise.

Simplicity is beautiful. It is something that cannot be faked. It is something that is thoughtless, and light, but even more importantly, real. Perfectly, amazingly real...as is my love for Her.

~A

Hopefully.......a bittersweet moment...

Today I recieved a phone call to interview for what was initially (on my voicemail) explained as a 'management position' with a certain company...only to call back and find out it is for the Store Manager position, not just 'management.'
Knowing that this company pays well, as well as it being a nationwide company, I had submitted a resume last month at one point, to a local branch of this company, since it was looking like NC wrap-up and everything was not going to happen in a very timely manner. In all actuality, I was not expecting to hear back from them, because I sent it in after the close date...surprise...call back. I now have an interview set up for this afternoon...
Typically this would be cause for quite elation, however, for once, it isn't so much...it's a rather bittersweet moment. I am very flattered that they called, and yes, I am going all out for the position, as I typically do; yet at the same time, it's a bit scarey, knowing that I am interviewing for a long-term position, here...when all I want is to be with Her.
I know that I have to do certain things here before the relocation is totally feasible. I know there are still things that have to happen on Her end before the relocation goes forward, with ease...but just because I know these things, does not mean it feels good. I just have to perserve on, and everything will fall into place...

With that being said, I am going to begin reviewing for this (first) interview, and blow them away...hopefully it will go well...hopefully Chloe can be good, seeing as though it is a phone interview... hopefully I will be scheduling an in person interview soon, as well....
hopefully I'll get to hear those words I love hearing so much from Her...'I'm proud of you.'

*takes a breath*

hopefully.....

~A

Communication Errors...

Yesterday i was in quite the funk...after quite a bit of thinking,

Although i know and respect that You are on vacation right now, and truly want You to have fun with Your friends, i cannot help it if sometimes i may feel a little neglected. i do not mean to feel this way, and i do understand that throughout the day we are still texting and everything, just sometimes, after a long, exhausting day, everything is just too much, and i know we both know and recognize that when either of us are out of town, things change a little...
As i continued to think about this while falling asleep last night, i remembered my trip, not too awful long ago, to Alabama...while i was there i felt that i was still communicating with You for much of the day (and night) via text message. No, it was not on the same level that we usually communicate, however i felt that i was still dedicating much of my time to You--however You did not believe the same.
The way i am seeing this, is although i felt that i was still on a acceptable level, because it was a lesser level of communication that i was bringing on, it had a more negative impact on You...leaving me feeling inadequate...much like the feelings we discussed yesterday....

i did not like how i felt yesterday, at all. When i opened up and shared about it, i felt as if You didn't care much how i was feeling, but only cared what i was saying and how it made You feel. i am most definitely not saying that this is actually the case, because honestly, i do not believe it to be true, however, that is how i felt--one reality of the situation.
i know that You are trying to still maintain a reasonable level of communication; i understand that completely, and am very thankful for it. You are so amazing, really, truly. i don't want to make You feel inadequate--ever. i don't want You to ever feel as though You do not make me happy, because You do; much more than You could ever really know....

Thank You for being You...thank You for loving me, and making me feel special to You...You make my world a beautiful place, even when You don't think You do.

Day 08-- 30 Days, 30 Letters

your favorite teacher

Mrs. Garrish~
Over the years we have distanced significantly, however, I know that we will never lose touch. You were such an excellent support system for me at a very difficult time in my life, and I will never look beyond or forget that! There were so many things changing in my life, especially when Grams passed away, and for some reason, you embraced me and all of my confusion and sadness. You were, in a sense, my surrogate Grams at that point.
Staying over with you and Lee and the furbabies when Mum would go out of town to see Dan, or to a job fair (also to see Dan) or anything else (usually involving Dan) you would always not only invite, but insist upon me staying with you. You were able to nurture a part of me that I was unable to show my mum, because I was too busy being her support system...
I truly appreciate everything you did for me. You gave me a sense of belonging when I didn't know where to turn, just as you have continued to over the years. I am so thankful that our paths crossed and even more so to still have you in my life!

With Love,
Aften

Thoughts....

I probably should be working on day 08 of my letters blog, seeing as though I have missed a few days, however, I feel that I am in the mental space for something a little different...

Where, oh where to begin...Well, the day that I began the last letter blog, to my ex, I would have been able to approach it a bit differently, however, she and I talked for the first time since I left, that day...awkward? yes. But as life presents situations, we all know that some things are a little more (or less) comfortable than others. She was interested in Chloe...very interested...
Seeing as though I have been in a long term relationship in the past where children were involved, as much as I'd like to pretend that I do not have a heart at times, I do... I know what it feels like to wonder, everyday, about a child; I know how it tears your heart out...and as much as I would like to pretend at times, that I do not care, I do. Bottom line: I have a much bigger heart than I am willing to claim.
After talking with Laura, I did not know how to approach it with my dear R. I was scared to say anything, because I did not want to upset her or make her apprehensive, especially while we were dealing with an issue of our own...because of this, I waited 3 days to say anything--3 days of constant self torment....Luckily, last night I shared the communication with Laura with Her; it went as best as I could have hoped. She was a bit put off, initially, however was perfectly able to handle it on an appropriate level. That's what we all love most about our Daddies, right?
So, after discussion and all, everything was still quite copacetic...there is immense detail I could share, as far as the actual dialogue (on both parts of Laura and I as well as DaddyR and I) yet I feel that the need for that is not there. If I choose to share any of these intimate details with anyone, it would be on a more personal level....
For now, all I can say, is thankfully, I no longer have that dirty little secret to carry around, especially from my Daddy, the one person I hide nothing from.... (perhaps some meditation time is needed...my, it has been quite some time...)

Wrapping this up, the message I truly wanted to convey was how utterly amazing my DaddyR was in dealing with the whole situation, and how extremely lucky I am to have Her in my life. I could not imagine anyone that would be a more perfect fit for me, my life, and little Chloe...

My Daddy may not necessarily assume a Daddy role 24/7 or may not feel She lives up to what I may possibly want, but She is greater than I would ever be able to imagine; not only for me, but for my our little Chloe....She knows what I need, when I need it, and is able to love me, for me...She is able to wrap my babygirl heart up in her essence, and keep me safe. She knows that although she may not always be in Her Daddy space, if my babygirl needs nurturing, She can take care of it...She is everything I could have wished for in my Daddy, and I am so happy...proud... to call her my Daddy...

Day 07-- 30 Days, 30 Letters

your ex


Laura,
If I would have wrote this at a different time, perhaps it would have been filled with an immense amount negativity. Perhaps I would have raged on about the abuse, both mental and physical; perhaps I would have blamed you for a lot of things....perhaps....
The truth of the situation is, although I feel you made some really bad decisions while we were together, I do not totally fault you for them. We were in a very volatile place, ergo, I feel to blame you would be unfair. We both should have done things differently, but for whatever reason, we didn't.
As crazy as I may sound at times, I do hope you find true happiness. I hope that all you want and need in life is found in your life.

Honestly, I thought that I would end up writing, and going on a journey through memories here, yet now that I am writing, I'm coming up blank...I know what happened, as do you. These are places that no one should [ever have to] be privy to. Our past, although it was lovely for the first 8 months,the other 4 years were very dark...and I think it's best that we leave it just there...in the past.
With that being said, I wish you well. I hope all your hopes and dreams for the rest of your life are answered.

Aften

Quick Update...

Although I haven't posted today, I wanted to throw a quick little update up...

I have been in a serious funk all day, as some of my dear fellow babygirls know...however, things have began to turn back in the right direction. I wanted to thank those of you who have been there checking in with me, and also apoligize for my dissociative state!
(while touching on this, I do wish to point out that the whole 'issue' was caused by a certain little babygirl being a total brat....)

After a less than desirable day however, the few minutes on the phone with Her really began to turn everything around again...it's queer how easily things can be changed with Daddy's words....
I feel my babygirl heart tonight, more than ever...I just want to be coddled and showered with Her adoration right now....

With that being said, I'm off, to spend much needed time in Her company....

sometimes the moments of comfortable silence with Her are worth more than those filled with giddy chatter...just to hear Her say 'I love you' now and then....

*this babygirl needs Her right now, so much....*

Day 06-- 30 Days, 30 Letters

your 8-year old self

Dearest aften,

You're so young right now; oh so impressionable. If only you knew at this point in your life, what you will in the future. You are such a bright little girl; so full of potential that one day you will let go of, without realizing you need not do so.
You are sitting in a bathtub every night, reading college level Biochemistry books right now, fully understanding them, so well beyond your years;  I wish I could tell you to never let go of that of that tenacity, and you would listen. If only I could make you privy to what I know now, and change the path of your life.

I know how easy and carefree your life may seem to you at this point, for the most part, but little girl, hold onto that ease, fore once you let it go, you will never get it back. That blissful innocence that you have is something you need, so much. Don't regret things, dear girl; please don't. I know you will, but  one day you will too, pull through. Don't try to be your Mum's greatest support system....that is not who you are made to be. I know you don't know how to be a child, but try to. Go out and play with your friends, have fun...
Hold on tightly to Grams, and appreciate every moment you have with her, but please little one, know that one day she will not be able to be all that you make her. I know your Grams is your absolute idol, as well as your biggest fan, but she's not as strong as you make her to be. Love her, cherish her, and don't be hard on her; she's not your enemy. She's your greatest supporter. Know that no one can last forever. Treasure every moment with her; make memories, and please, dear child, do not lose them, as I know you unfortunately will.

There are so many things I can only wish you were able to comprehend at this point, yet I know you cannot. Life is a intricate web spun by something greater than we can imagine. One day you will be able to leave behind the adult world you were brought into at such an early age. One day you will find someone to embrace your delicate inner babygirl. Until that day comes though, you will have to fight to be strong. There are so many things that you are going to experience over the next several years; for this, I am very sorry. If I could take it all away for you, I would; unfortunately this is not possible. You will shed many tears over the coming years. You will think you cannot go on, but dear girl, you will make it, and as I said, one day, you will find that special Someone to hold you and cherish you in the ways you should be being held and cherished right now.
One day you will be able to embrace your inner self; you will no longer be responsible for your Mum's well being, nor will you feel that you are. She will start a new family, and as much as you will want to be a part of it, and still be her caretaker, as you are now, you will not be welcomed as. Don't resent this, but rather appreciate it. You will be let free, finally. You will regain your true self, little one, in time...

If I could give you easy answer to all of the pain and heartache that will be bestowed upon you, I would; yet I cannot do this for numerous reasons. The difficult situations that you will have to endure will make you strong. You will meet people in these times that will end up being worth more than life itself to you, in the long run...Follow your heart, little one...it will lead you just where you need to be.
One day you will find yourself able to embrace your babygirl that you are not able to live with right now. One day you will have the love and adoration you only dream of right now...

Keep you head held high and you will persevere through the dark days to find your life lighted by the brightest star ever...you will know it when you find Her.
Life will become beautiful for you, for once....

With Love,
your future self...
Aften

You.

are...

My light on the darkest of nights
My knight in shining armour, rescuing me
My first and last breath
My inspiration

My all.

You complete me. You have taken this babygirl heart and made it whole--for this, I owe you my everything. I am Yours, in every way. You own me.

Je t'aime, toujours, ma cherie.

The time I spend with Her is something so precious to me. The simple things are those that stick with me more than anything...
The few minutes I got to spend on the phone with Her this morning were lovely. She gets me going, every morning; just hearing Her voice makes me so warm...

Today I have a list of undesirable things to do...phone calls, that I am dreading, filling out paperwork to handle my student loan, more phone calls that are going to make me a nervous babbling idiot... I hate having to do these things, oh so very much, but in the back of my mind, I'm thinking to myself  that as soon as I am done and tell Her, She will tell me how proud of me She is; this puts me on top of the world. I love hearing those words from Her...so much.

So, with that being said, I suppose I should go and begin my day in the real world...

Day 05-- 30 Days, 30 Letters

your dreams

I don't really know how to begin this one....

Dreams,
There are oh so many of you that have come and gone over time, for one reason or another. My biggest dream that I have passed up was medical school. So few people know of you, dream... I was on such a tight path, throughout high school. All of the extra, advanced science courses; the 3 years of Latin, I somehow crammed into a little over 1 year...everything was set, to have you. Harvard medical school--something I dreamed of, day in and day out...We would almost be there, dream...at least, through the first part. It would have been such an honor to call myself a Nephrologist...however, that is now a distant memory. I'm sorry I gave up on you.
There was so much turmoil in my life at the time; between the estranged relationship with Mum&Dan, as well as all of the chaos choosing to try my Father's family, I couldn't do it any longer. I set you free. Not only did I let myself down in this decision, but I let the dream of fixing what we was wrong with Grams go. I had put so much of my heart and soul into you, and I couldn't do it any longer.

Perhaps one day I will reopen my book of big dreams lost in the chaos of life, with Her by my side, cheering me on; perhaps one day I will truly look into myself, seeing the last view of Grams I ever had, and reconnect on that intimate level, and persue you...but at this point in time, you are a ghost of something passed. If I believed in regretting things, I believe you would be the one thing I most regret, however I cannot bring myself to regret something, fore everything is a learning experience. Sometimes I do wish I could turn back time though, and hold you so close to my heart again...I just do not think I have it in me anymore. I feel like I have lost that little girl that had that drive...I no longer think I am smart enough, or brave enough, or strong enough to find you again....
I'm so sorry for losing you.....I miss you.

With Regrets,
Aften

Day 04-- 30 Days, 30 Letters

your siblings

Charles and Georgia Rain~
To begin with, I want to say what a joy you both are to be around. Although I do not feel I truly spend that much time with the two of you, every moment I've been around, seeing you both grow up, has been an absolute honor and pleasure.

Charles, I remember the day you were born, still, to this day. This is something I will never forget. I remember babysitting you for Mum and Dan, right after we moved back to North Carolina so they could go over to April and Scott's house for dinner. I know you have no idea what I am talking about, but I remember it like it was yesterday still. Although I wasn't around much, the moments I was with you were a joy.
Seeing you now amazes me. You are such a wonderful, thoughtful, amazing young man. It shocks me that you are already so grown up. You are the most caring, genuine child young man I have ever met. I constantly brag about you, and pray that Chloe will be like you, in so many ways. You don't care much for being mainstream, and I admire that so much in you; especially at your age. You do what makes you happy, and that amazes me. I am so proud of you, Charles, for the amazing person I see you growing up to be.
I know that things have been tumultuous for you lately, but seeing who you are, I know you will be able to pull through anything. You have such an amazing heart, and I hope that this is something that never fades.

Georgia; dear little one...you are such a joy to be around! You light up a room with your big personality! You are such a bright, cheerful little girl! You are a pleasure to be in the company of, more so than you will know for a long time. You are constantly complimenting the smallest things in others, and it is the sweetest thing! You are so full of energy and life! I look forward to see you blossom into a young woman as time guides you. You have so much potential, and I truly look forward to seeing where it takes you in this life!

The both of you are so amazing; I do not even have the words to explain the joy you bring into my life. You have amazing parents, and I believe that as you get older, you will see all of the opportunities they allow you both to have. Although I am not around you as much as I would like to be, I want you to always know that I love you very, very much, and no matter where we are, be it near or far, I am always here for you; just a phone call away, no matter what.

With Love,
Your Sissy, Aften

Wow.

So, last night was to be summed up with one not so excellent adjective: wow.
I don't know what it was that made it so breathtakingly amazing, but the place I went through Your words was friggen amazing.

So, with that being said, let's talk phone sex.
I suck at it, point blank, cut and dried... I am a verbal prude 99% of the time. As much as I want to say a lot of things, my mouth and brain just do not agree on it. In fact, most of the time I can't even write half of the things that run through my head. So, with that point being made, me and phone sex just don't get along so well...Typically, this wouldn't be an issue so much, but it is a key in a long distance relationship at times...and apparently that key is still at the locksmith's, when it comes to me.
Well, with this being said, I can go on and say that our 'phone sexin' time is one of those things that just isn't. The closest to it that we come is leaving the phone on, while getting off separately. Very rarely are words exchanged, mainly because it becomes very one sided, very fast. To my (oh so happy) surprise, last night, for some reason She decided to start talking to me, and oh my, what an effect it had on me. Holy smokes! (yes, I said holy smokes. lol.)
The things she was saying, and how she was talking to me...mmm...lets just say, it left very little to be desired. I was so mentally there; yes, there were moments that I could have probably interjected some lovely words, and I was very close to mind and mouth agreement, but dear god...I couldn't interrupt that!!!! *grins* I was so in the mental space I so greatly enjoy...
(in fact, when I woke up this morning, I was still in that place; oh my!)

Day 03-- 30 Days, 30 Letters

your parents.

Mum and Dan,
I don't really know how to begin this, nor what I wish to truly convey in it, but I will give it a go...

There are so many things I could say; I could simply recall the most conspicuous moments in my memory, but I feel that this would not convey any true meaning; if anything, it would more than likely give the semblance of resentment, when in reality, I have let go of the majority of that towards the both of you.

I've held onto the past for so long, and resented so many things that I've felt you consciously brought forth for me in my life, however I am to a point where I no longer believe these things. I spent so much time questioning your love and motives for sending me away. It felt like you were ready to move on with your life, and start a family together; a family that wasn't big enough for me too. I'm not saying that I never have these feelings now, because if I said so, it would be a lie; however I now realize, ultimately, that was not what you were trying to do. You didn't know, nor do I believe you ever will truly understand, what you were signing me up for. When you sent me away to HLA, you believed you were doing the best thing for me, but in reality, you couldn't have been further from the truth. The one thing I gained while being there, was a true sense of self; and that, was not something in their 'ciruclium.' That, I only achieved, because of the woman they tried to separate me from; because of Nanette. She was the only reason I was able to grow in the ways I did; she was the only reason I had while I was there...
You will never understand the irreparable damage that place did to my psyche. The constant scrutiny that I was placed under; the lesser level of academics; the people that I was exposed to...the belittlement from staff members that I underwent every single day of my life. The constant verbal abuse, the pressures from my 'mentors' as well as peers to be someone I wasn't; and these are just some of the minor things there. Nanette was my rock; she was the only positive thing I had there, yet no one was able to see that. They saw me as an overly opinionated girl that was against everyone, when in reality, I was a lost little girl, looking for someone to love her, and give her the encouraging words she needed to survive in this big, dark world.
There were always so many things I wanted to tell you, but couldn't. I knew you would never believe me, and if I breathed a word, I would be placed on restrictions, longer, and told I was trying to 'manipulate my family,' when in reality, I was just trying to do everything they preached on end: be honest. The strip searches, the sleeping in the hallway, under the bright lights, on the cold, hard tile floors...being told I would never make it anywhere...all of these things hit hard, and again, all I had to hold onto was Nan.
This letter is not about HLA though, nor is it about the role Nan played in my life, and always will; it is about you. The point I am trying to convey with these references however, is that yes, I feel that you could have made wiser choices for me, yet I no longer fault you for this. I understand that you did not know what you were signing me up for, nor did you know the intense, permanent psychological damage it did to me. In retrospect though, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in this world, because the one thing I was so desperately seeking, that I felt I hadn't truly had since Gram died, I found. I found my Nan, who helped me find myself, and push aside that desperate, lost, little girl I was terrified of.

Throughout the years, I have held onto so much angst and resentment for you guys, but more for Dan than anything. Dan, I blamed you for everything. I swore that if you weren't in the picture, Mum would still love me. She would have never 'parted with' me. I would have never had to endure the 15+ months of torture I had; as much as I do believe that still, I no longer hate you for it. I know that you gave Mum what she needed to be strong. You were her rock. She couldn't handle me, and all of the adolescent, pent up anger I had, and through you, she was able to make her life more manageable.
I could easily be hostile about this still, but I no longer am. I don't like that this was the way everything had to play out, but I respect your (as a unit) decisions. I am glad that you were there for her, when I could no longer be. I don't hate you, nor do I hold resentment towards you- I just want you to make my Mum happy. Her happiness is something that I have grown to believe is worth more than mine was at that volatile state in time. I know that I left the both of you with few options, and you were concerned with the state of your family; which I did nothing to make more easy for you.
As much as we may see differently, to this day, I no longer believe you are 'out to get me.' I honestly believe that you do want to see me succeed, only you have to see that before you are totally willing to welcome me 'back' with open arms. You may not know it, but I strive to make you proud, more than I do Mum at times. I know that you were always pushed beyond your limits, ergo, that is what you do to others; push to make them strive beyond their cognitive abilities. I promise you, one day, I will make you proud. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next month, but I will make you proud of me, one day.

Mum, you have no idea how highly I speak of you. I am your biggest supporter. When people ask me about my past and my childhood, yes, I say there are things that I would change if given the opportunity, but at the same time, I always say how wonderful my Mum was. You were young and still gave me everything humanly possible. I recall the library and park trips; how you were so young, but chose me over any and everything else. I do wish that certain things could have been different, but I truly believe you were an excellent mother to me. You are something like no other. Most girls that have children at such a young age become so stagnant, yet you went on. You finished school, as well as college, and made a life for yourself, as well as me. You did everything you thought would be most beneficial to me. You were my best friend, just like Gram was to you. You were amazing. in that aspect, and I thank you for that.

As I continue to write, and remember so many things, I want you (both) to know that I never meant to cause any heartache. I thought I was making decisions that would be productive at some point in time. I have been so stupid, so many times, but now, I know who I am; I know who I am, what I want, and how to get there, only, the getting there is not a very easy route. I will persevere on though. Through the teachings of others, extensive meditations and self reflection, I have learned exactly who I am, what I want, and what I need to do to get there.
I appreciate what you have been, or tried to be, for me. I know that you have done everything to the best of your ability, and I truly appreciate that. I hope one day you (both) will be able to honestly say that you are proud of me, fore that is what I wish, more than anything else.
I love you, both of you, more than you know, and appreciate everything you have tried to do for me. I wish that I could feel more loved and accepted by you both, but fault myself for the insecurities I hold. My only hope for the future is that I can give you back what you have put into me.

With Love,
Aften

Day 02-- 30 Days, 30 Letters

your high school crush

JJ,
How many times I've dreamed of having the chance to write you a letter again, after the fateful one I wrote you that made you lose your job. How many times I cried myself to sleep, knowing I would never get to speak to you again, I'd never get to see you again; and worst of all, knowing that I was the reason you lost your job.
The day I found out what had happened, I was heartbroken. I was so young, and stupid, but I was in a very vulnerable place. I was stunnned that they had fired you over it, but more so, that they even found it. I felt like such an ass; I couldn't believe that you were gone.
In the short time I got to spend with you, I grew to enjoy your company oh so much. When I got sent away from school to wilderness that time, I was so distraught--not because I was going to wilderness (again) but because I knew I wouldn't get to see you, or spend time with you anymore for a while...but I also knew thought that I would get to see you again when I got back...and then the day came where Mr.Shady Staff, Wendell, said that I could secretly write to you, and he would take it to you. I was so excited, just to have that momentary contact with you again...but that one moment of pleasure came at a much higher cost than I would have ever dreamed of...
I spent so many days and nights thinking of how I could get in touch with you again after I was told you (as well as Wendell) had been fired, but deep down, I knew that I would never see you again. It was one of my many of a series of letdowns, but as simple as it sounds, I never was able to forget it.
I tried so many times to figure out a way to get in touch with you again, but as we know, that was not possible. With no information to go on, it was a lost cause. There were so many things I wished I could tell you; how great it felt to know that someone was there for me, in the Hell hole, after Nan was gone; how much I enjoyed the moments we got to spend together; and most of all, how sorry I was(and am) for sealing the fate of your job like that.
After the many years have passed. I still would jump on the opportunity to apoligize to you if given it. I was young and horribly stupid. I should have thought it through a little wiser, yet at the same time, I will never understand how you lost the letter, for it to be found! With that being said, I will never forget the role you played in my life; I just wish I would have had the chance to know you even better.
The run plan would have worked :o)
Warm Regards,
Aften

Day 01-- 30 Days, 30 Letters

Letter to your best friend.

Dearest Rhonda,

As I begin writing, I have to say, first and foremost, you are my best friend, amongst so many other things. You and I both know that I have a very select group of friends, and certain people I do hold near and dear, but you are the person I run to with any and everything. You are such an amazing woman. I frequently wonder to myself, what I have done to deserve you being brought into my life. You make my darkest days bright again; no matter what is going on in my life, you are there for me, and you make it all copacetic for me.
When we first began talking, I was going through a very tumultuous time. I honestly do not understand why you stuck by me at that point. From all of the crazy nights that I would lock Chloe and myself in the spare room, sleeping on the baby mattress from her crib, on the floor, scared that L would come and try something crazy; to the screaming and verbal battles you would hear going on; to that night that I had to call the police... There were so many horrible things going on, that you were being dragged into, but you still stuck by me.
The worst night was the one that I thought I was going to lose you. I still remember that night like it was yesterday. All of the chaos had been going on, and I told you that you could still walk away--and you seemed as though that was what you were going to do. I felt like everything was suddenly at a standstill- and hung up the phone on you...and then began sobbing. Luckily, you called me back...and (obviously) we worked through all of the crazy...as well as came to the agreement that that would never happen again; the me hanging up on you thing, that is...
Shortly after that chaos spree, things got worse in my current situation, and somehow you helped me gain the courage to finally leave, permanently. I don't think I could have done it without you by my side. I was scared to, for so many reasons, and somehow, you made me strong enough to do it. You began filling me with your warmth and light, even then.
After that, everything with us began to smooth out. I was finally away from the chaos, and could devote my free time to you, uninteruppted, which was what I wanted so badly. We continued talking at every free moment, falling asleep at night on the phone together, talking as soon as we woke up...it was like you were with me, but not. It's funny that we grew so close, so quickly; even before we physically met.
Meeting you in person for the first time was such an emotional moment for me. I was so scared that something would go wrong, or that you wouldn't like me; and yes, we both know, I was a little apprehensive about my height complex. *smiles* But, as fate made it, everything went beautifully (outside of you breaking your finger 10min off the plane...) After being able to have you beside me, wrapped up in your arms, I couldn't imagine anything in the world more perfect.
The day you left, I felt like a piece of my heart was breaking off and walking away. Seeing you drive off to the airport that afternoon, my world began to crash. I felt like...words cannot even begin to explain how I felt that day....hysterical. When you came back through my front door, I felt like I was dreaming. I got to wrap my arms around you again. I got to feel your body against mine. I got to kiss you. It made it so much easier. When you told me you came back because you would have time, even if it was for only 10 or 15 minutes, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world; and it solidified that it wasn't just me feeling, it was you too. It made me feel less broken...
I could continue on a play by play account of so many things, but I think I've highlighted a lot here, thus far. You make me feel like I'm on top of the world; like nothing else matters. You are so much more to me than I believe you will ever know. The silly little moments we spend laughing, or playing Scrabble, or talking about the claw--hehe-- are the things I love most about you. Certain songs will play on the radio, and they bring bittersweet moments. I can see you sitting beside me singing them, wrong words and all...it makes me smile, and giggle to myself. It makes me feel so alive; it's so vivid...and then it makes me miss you even more.

I love the way you light up the room, and my life. I love the way you make me laugh at the most random things. I love how you make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. I love that we can spend countless hours on the phone, yet only feel the need to fill some moments with words, yet it is never awkward or uncomfortable. It just is. It's comfort, and companionship; togetherness and closeness. I love that you are so much more than my lover, partner, future wife or daddy, but you are my best friend, too. You fill me with amazing feelings of love, joy and happiness, and I would never trade that (or you) ever, in a million years.

So, with that being said, I thank you for being in my life, and loving me, as me--nothing more, nothing less. I love you Rhonda. I love you more than you know...

~your babygirl,
   Aften.

30 Days, 30 Letters

30 Days, 30 Letters

Whether or not I will actually get these done over the next 30 days is doubtful, however, I thought it may be a good thing for me, so I will give it a shot over the next 30 or so days...

Day 01 – Letter 1: Your best friend
Day 02 – Letter 2: Your high school crush.
Day 03 – Letter 3: Your parents.
Day 04 – Letter 4: Your siblings.
Day 05 – Letter 5: Your dreams.
Day 06 – Letter 6: Your 8 year-old self.
Day 07 – Letter 7: Your ex.
Day 08 – Letter 8: Your favorite teacher.
Day 09 – Letter 9: Your 20 year-old self.
Day 10 – Letter 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11 – Letter 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 – Letter 12: The last waiter/waitress who served you.
Day 13 – Letter 13: Someone you wish you could forgive.
Day 14 – Letter 14: Someone you drifted away from.
Day 15 – Letter 15: The person you miss the most.
Day 16 – Letter 16: Your body.
Day 17 – Letter 17: Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 – Letter 18: The person you wish you could be.
Day 19 – Letter 19: Someone that pesters your mind (Good or bad).
Day 20 – Letter 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 – Letter 21: Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 – Letter 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 – Letter 23: The last person you kissed.
Day 24 – Letter 24: Your guardian angel.
Day 25 – Letter 25: The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 – Letter 26: The last person you made a pinkie promise to.
Day 27 – Letter 27: The last cashier you interacted with.
Day 28 – Letter 28: Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 – Letter 29: The person you want to tell everything to, but are afraid to.
Day 30 – Letter 30: Your reflection in the mirror.

Everything will be okay...

Life is so overwhelming sometimes. I hate it when I cannot do anything to make things better for Her...
I would write more, but I ought not say too much...

I will sum it up with this:
Although I am Her babygirl, I can be a big girl when I need to be, now, being one of those times. Everything will be better; I have faith that it will. We all have those moments of desperation, when it seems as though everything around us is crumbling and we've lost faith; I have enough faith for the both of us now though- I will pick up where You drop off....You always make it better for me, with the words and warmth You give me; now it's my turn. You carry me through my roughest days, as I will for You...

I love You more than anything in this world. I do not know what I would do without You. My world would crash without Your radiant presence. I never want to live a day without You in it--Neva Eva!! You are my reason in this lifetime; I was made for You- to make You happy, and I will stop at nothing to do just that.

Keep Your chin up Daddy. Everything will be okay; it may not seem like it is right now, but I truly believe that it will be. Your babygirl is here for You, no matter what, cheering You on...knowing that You will be fine...we will be fine.

je t'aime.

Random Moments

Random 'I love you' calls are the best, especially on days where nerves are wearing thin.

She called for a few minutes because She stepped outside at work for a moment, just to check in with me and tell me She misses me. *smiles* Things like this are the ones that make me the luckiest babygirl ever. The little random 'thinking of you' type of things make shakey moments of the day much better.

My Daddy is the greatest...

Rough Days...

Nights like these are when I'm most thankful for my Daddy. She knows just what to say to make things better for me. I don't know what I would do without Her sometimes, other than be so lost....

This has been a very emotionally tolling day. Too much time dealing with too many intense things in the real world. Too many letdowns and disappointments...the only thing going right, right now is the calm, comforting words of Her. I hate stressing Her out. I feel like I'm just too much sometimes, and I don't want to burden Her with all of my chaos.
She tells me everything is alright though- that everything will be fine. I have no choice but to believe in what she's telling me. She tells me to have faith; that She does...I trust Her. I trust my Daddy.

These are the moments that I truly feel like I am the luckiest babygirl ever. I have the greatest Daddy I could ever conjure up, in my wildest thoughts. She takes me from my lowest, darkest place, and puts me on top of a bright, sun-filled mountain...She makes everything sparkle and glow with such radiance.

These are the moments where I feel I have found the one thing in life I've been missing- Her.

I am Daddy's babygirl. She is my reason...with Her, I am complete.

Ohhh the stress today. What a day to see my mum...
'don't let it show. try to be like my happy babygirl.' She makes even my darkest moments feel brighter. <3

Last Night=Babygirl Bliss

Yesterday was spent making important phone calls, which is something I hate doing and home hunting. *smiles* I'm not one to be much for phone calls, so, I tend to procrastinate it as much as possible, with anything.

Last night I got much much needed and beloved Daddy time which was oh so wonderful. I love it when She tells me how proud of me She is. She sat there and told me what a good girl I am, and how I did so well doing my big girl stuff. It fills me with such elation, hearing Her tell me how proud of me She is...sends me straight to cloud 9. It makes doing things that are less than desirable so much easier, knowing that She will be proud of me...I love making Her happy with me. When She says how proud Daddy is of this babygirl, it's as if nothing else in the world matters...I filled with giggles and grins, twirling my hair around my fingers, with no real words...

Last night we played our Scrabble games, and I definitely regained my winning name. *teehee* She decided that we were playing for double or nothing, because I reminded Her that I had won our little bet at the Central Park Zoo, and had a "whatever you want" pass....Well, Her plan seemed to work in my advantage...after all that Scrabble trash talking! hehe. Not only did I win once, but twice! GO ME!! woohoo! I really enjoy our Scrabble time, as does She...It makes the distance more bearable.

So, with that being said, yesterday was a wonderful day. We made some progress on the home hunt; I sent Her several postings that seem to be acceptable, had great conversation time, and a lovely time playing Scrabble...I can't even begin to explain how happy I am with Daddy...words cannot begin to touch upon the elation She makes me feel.

I am one happy babygirl *grins*

Random, middle of the day phone calls are the BESTEST! Don't get me wrong, I love texting throughout the day, but hearing Her voice is so much greater!

I hate it when She seems slightly abrasive or has that dissociative air about Her. It makes me feel like I cannot fix something, and I want to, more than anything. I know it's not my fault; She continues to reinforce that, but is so vauge about the reasoning to the abrasive manner...I just wish I could fix it...

Perhaps tonight is just a precarious night for me...perhaps I am reading too much in between the lines? I think not, but perhaps it is easier to think that, then to think that something is wrong and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Daddy Space?

Sometimes You opt not to be in that Daddy space, per sae; You say You feel there is a conflict of interest there, because I want You to be, but what I feel You do not realize, is whether You are there or not, I still feel You are. You know when I need You to be there in that capicity for me, and You don't let me down.

You say that You want me to have what I want, and I may not with You, but don't You see, what I want is You. Although you may not feel the Daddy space 100% of the time, I know that it is there still, whether it shows or not...I know that you are still Daddy, and I don't want nor expect you to necessarily show it all of the time. That is one of the greatest things about us. I know that I still have a voice with You; I am not only Your babygirl, but I am Your partner. You hear my voice, no matter what it is, and take it from there. It feels good to be Your equal, but also Your babygirl. I know I can be a part of the grown up world and succeed just fine; no one has to know anything about my inner self, but when I'm with You, I feel safe--I know that I can let my babygirl heart show, and You will keep me safe. I'm allowed to let go, be free, and not keep her locked away, hiding from the world.

So, even if You do not think you may not necessarily fill the Daddy role all of the time, or are not in that Daddy space, you are still my Daddy...all of the time.

Daddy is not something that comes and goes. It is something that is there, whether or not You think it is, or believe You are living up to my expectations. You don't have to live up to anyone's stereotypes. There is no norm. All that matters is that You and I are happy...all I want is to be Your babygirl, always...whether you are in that Daddy space, or not; whether I am in my beloved babygirl space at the moment, or have to be a grown up...I am still Your babygirl, and You are still Daddy, to me...it's something that is inside, not necessarily shown.

<3 your babygirl.