your parents.
Mum and Dan,
I don't really know how to begin this, nor what I wish to truly convey in it, but I will give it a go...
There are so many things I could say; I could simply recall the most conspicuous moments in my memory, but I feel that this would not convey any true meaning; if anything, it would more than likely give the semblance of resentment, when in reality, I have let go of the majority of that towards the both of you.
I've held onto the past for so long, and resented so many things that I've felt you consciously brought forth for me in my life, however I am to a point where I no longer believe these things. I spent so much time questioning your love and motives for sending me away. It felt like you were ready to move on with your life, and start a family together; a family that wasn't big enough for me too. I'm not saying that I never have these feelings now, because if I said so, it would be a lie; however I now realize, ultimately, that was not what you were trying to do. You didn't know, nor do I believe you ever will truly understand, what you were signing me up for. When you sent me away to HLA, you believed you were doing the best thing for me, but in reality, you couldn't have been further from the truth. The one thing I gained while being there, was a true sense of self; and that, was not something in their 'ciruclium.' That, I only achieved, because of the woman they tried to separate me from; because of Nanette. She was the only reason I was able to grow in the ways I did; she was the only reason I had while I was there...
You will never understand the irreparable damage that place did to my psyche. The constant scrutiny that I was placed under; the lesser level of academics; the people that I was exposed to...the belittlement from staff members that I underwent every single day of my life. The constant verbal abuse, the pressures from my 'mentors' as well as peers to be someone I wasn't; and these are just some of the minor things there. Nanette was my rock; she was the only positive thing I had there, yet no one was able to see that. They saw me as an overly opinionated girl that was against everyone, when in reality, I was a lost little girl, looking for someone to love her, and give her the encouraging words she needed to survive in this big, dark world.
There were always so many things I wanted to tell you, but couldn't. I knew you would never believe me, and if I breathed a word, I would be placed on restrictions, longer, and told I was trying to 'manipulate my family,' when in reality, I was just trying to do everything they preached on end: be honest. The strip searches, the sleeping in the hallway, under the bright lights, on the cold, hard tile floors...being told I would never make it anywhere...all of these things hit hard, and again, all I had to hold onto was Nan.
This letter is not about HLA though, nor is it about the role Nan played in my life, and always will; it is about you. The point I am trying to convey with these references however, is that yes, I feel that you could have made wiser choices for me, yet I no longer fault you for this. I understand that you did not know what you were signing me up for, nor did you know the intense, permanent psychological damage it did to me. In retrospect though, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in this world, because the one thing I was so desperately seeking, that I felt I hadn't truly had since Gram died, I found. I found my Nan, who helped me find myself, and push aside that desperate, lost, little girl I was terrified of.
Throughout the years, I have held onto so much angst and resentment for you guys, but more for Dan than anything. Dan, I blamed you for everything. I swore that if you weren't in the picture, Mum would still love me. She would have never 'parted with' me. I would have never had to endure the 15+ months of torture I had; as much as I do believe that still, I no longer hate you for it. I know that you gave Mum what she needed to be strong. You were her rock. She couldn't handle me, and all of the adolescent, pent up anger I had, and through you, she was able to make her life more manageable.
I could easily be hostile about this still, but I no longer am. I don't like that this was the way everything had to play out, but I respect your (as a unit) decisions. I am glad that you were there for her, when I could no longer be. I don't hate you, nor do I hold resentment towards you- I just want you to make my Mum happy. Her happiness is something that I have grown to believe is worth more than mine was at that volatile state in time. I know that I left the both of you with few options, and you were concerned with the state of your family; which I did nothing to make more easy for you.
As much as we may see differently, to this day, I no longer believe you are 'out to get me.' I honestly believe that you do want to see me succeed, only you have to see that before you are totally willing to welcome me 'back' with open arms. You may not know it, but I strive to make you proud, more than I do Mum at times. I know that you were always pushed beyond your limits, ergo, that is what you do to others; push to make them strive beyond their cognitive abilities. I promise you, one day, I will make you proud. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next month, but I will make you proud of me, one day.
Mum, you have no idea how highly I speak of you. I am your biggest supporter. When people ask me about my past and my childhood, yes, I say there are things that I would change if given the opportunity, but at the same time, I always say how wonderful my Mum was. You were young and still gave me everything humanly possible. I recall the library and park trips; how you were so young, but chose me over any and everything else. I do wish that certain things could have been different, but I truly believe you were an excellent mother to me. You are something like no other. Most girls that have children at such a young age become so stagnant, yet you went on. You finished school, as well as college, and made a life for yourself, as well as me. You did everything you thought would be most beneficial to me. You were my best friend, just like Gram was to you. You were amazing. in that aspect, and I thank you for that.
As I continue to write, and remember so many things, I want you (both) to know that I never meant to cause any heartache. I thought I was making decisions that would be productive at some point in time. I have been so stupid, so many times, but now, I know who I am; I know who I am, what I want, and how to get there, only, the getting there is not a very easy route. I will persevere on though. Through the teachings of others, extensive meditations and self reflection, I have learned exactly who I am, what I want, and what I need to do to get there.
I appreciate what you have been, or tried to be, for me. I know that you have done everything to the best of your ability, and I truly appreciate that. I hope one day you (both) will be able to honestly say that you are proud of me, fore that is what I wish, more than anything else.
I love you, both of you, more than you know, and appreciate everything you have tried to do for me. I wish that I could feel more loved and accepted by you both, but fault myself for the insecurities I hold. My only hope for the future is that I can give you back what you have put into me.
With Love,
Aften
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