There is so much i should catch up on, however, i choose to just babble for a moment, while Chloe sleeps...
i cannot believe that only 1 week ago She was here with me. i don't know exactly why, but it seems to be hitting me a little harder than i would like to admit right now. Perhaps it is just because last week right now i was beside Her. i miss Her so much...right now, i have Her on the phone, on mute, while She is at work. As silly as it may sound, it's kind of neat *smiles* It's like a window into Her day; a closeness....
Yes, i'm a silly, sappy babygirl sometimes...
i cannot wait until we can be together. This distance gets harder and harder sometimes...All i wish is that i could be with Her. i know this will happen, perhaps sooner than later, yet it is still very emotionally tolling at times. She is so much to me. The little things She says and does--Her brushing my hair while She was here; telling me She is proud of me, and i am a good babygirl...the silly laughs we share over driving less than a mile a million times, looking for something...these little things that fill me with warmth and light....
i need Her with me, always....
Friday, June 24, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
i'm not trying to sound like i'm 'one of a kind' or that i have been through things that other people do not feel that they have been through; or that You actually feel that they have been through, but i would honestly (with every fiber in my being) like to find someone who actually has been, and honestly understands, what i have been through...
To understand the constant scrutiny and pain i felt, for 18 long months, is so far beyond what i would ever wish anyone other than me, and those who know what it is like, to feel what i have felt.
....however, i will always love You, to a level You will never understand, for so many reasons...one of those being You try, with every fiber in Your being, to understand just where i have been...
...yet i would never, ever wish for You to feel the pain i have felt.
To understand the constant scrutiny and pain i felt, for 18 long months, is so far beyond what i would ever wish anyone other than me, and those who know what it is like, to feel what i have felt.
....however, i will always love You, to a level You will never understand, for so many reasons...one of those being You try, with every fiber in Your being, to understand just where i have been...
...yet i would never, ever wish for You to feel the pain i have felt.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Rollercoaster Day....
i know i haven't blogging like i typically do, but i will resume my typical pace, soon, hopefully....
For some reason i am a very strange space right now. i am kind of sullen, i suppose one could say. i am super stressed for way too many reasons, all being things that i have no control over at this moment, but cannot not stress about. i keep trying to occupy my mind elsewhere, but somehow, i always end up at the same dead end road....i'm pretty certain having the Adele cd on loop isn't helping much...as much as i love it, it's not exactly upbeat....
(now, lets begin to explain the roller coaster i feel like i am on today)
On the flip side, i am just about dying to see Her tomorrow night/Friday morning. (which begins to explain the roller coaster i feel like i am on today) i cannot wait to see Her, and be able to curl up to Her side; to feel Her arms around me again, to kiss Her....everything. i cannot believe that She will be on the way to see me tomorrow.
*i die*
And with that being said, life beckons me to get off of the computer.....
For some reason i am a very strange space right now. i am kind of sullen, i suppose one could say. i am super stressed for way too many reasons, all being things that i have no control over at this moment, but cannot not stress about. i keep trying to occupy my mind elsewhere, but somehow, i always end up at the same dead end road....i'm pretty certain having the Adele cd on loop isn't helping much...as much as i love it, it's not exactly upbeat....
(now, lets begin to explain the roller coaster i feel like i am on today)
On the flip side, i am just about dying to see Her tomorrow night/Friday morning. (which begins to explain the roller coaster i feel like i am on today) i cannot wait to see Her, and be able to curl up to Her side; to feel Her arms around me again, to kiss Her....everything. i cannot believe that She will be on the way to see me tomorrow.
*i die*
And with that being said, life beckons me to get off of the computer.....
Friday, June 10, 2011
My Daddy is...
the most amazing person i have ever, EVA met, in my life.
Sitting here on the phone tonight, talking about our wedding plans. Intensely, talking about our wedding plans. Who i want to be in it...which comes down to 4 people, for me. Grams sister, Aunt Sandy, Nanette, Sam, and my babygirl sister, Deanna. That is what my wedding party consists of. These are the people that are the most important to me, and i feel the need to have by my side on the most important day of my life...
Let me paint you the black and white picture....this picture-perfect image....DaddyR and i, in white...our wedding party in black. Jaysen Arno, marrying us....the most important people i've ever been in contact with, by my side. my family in the background--including my dearest friends, such as Lou and her sweet son, Matthew; Georgene Foster, Grams best friend...the people that i could never imagine life existing without. Hatteras. These are the things that mean most to me. Grams picture painted into everyones mind; knowing that She and Grandpa Charlie are there in spirit, simply because it is at their home....and their baby has grown up and found her true love....
This is the picture that i see. i see the master suite in Grams house filled with my Rhonda and i...with Grams blessing, for once in my life....
They say that you look for someone like your mother/father in your mate; well, i look for someone like Grammy Dora...and i have finally found Her. Not only the physical portrayal of her, but the one woman that completely captures her essence. Somehow i got lucky, and found my soulmate. There's not a single day that goes by that i do not thank Gram for this blessing....
my past karma has finally caught up with me. i may not be all that i should be, in this life, but i know i have lived many lives prior to this one that my absolute essence is finally being rewarded....
Sitting here on the phone tonight, talking about our wedding plans. Intensely, talking about our wedding plans. Who i want to be in it...which comes down to 4 people, for me. Grams sister, Aunt Sandy, Nanette, Sam, and my babygirl sister, Deanna. That is what my wedding party consists of. These are the people that are the most important to me, and i feel the need to have by my side on the most important day of my life...
Let me paint you the black and white picture....this picture-perfect image....DaddyR and i, in white...our wedding party in black. Jaysen Arno, marrying us....the most important people i've ever been in contact with, by my side. my family in the background--including my dearest friends, such as Lou and her sweet son, Matthew; Georgene Foster, Grams best friend...the people that i could never imagine life existing without. Hatteras. These are the things that mean most to me. Grams picture painted into everyones mind; knowing that She and Grandpa Charlie are there in spirit, simply because it is at their home....and their baby has grown up and found her true love....
This is the picture that i see. i see the master suite in Grams house filled with my Rhonda and i...with Grams blessing, for once in my life....
They say that you look for someone like your mother/father in your mate; well, i look for someone like Grammy Dora...and i have finally found Her. Not only the physical portrayal of her, but the one woman that completely captures her essence. Somehow i got lucky, and found my soulmate. There's not a single day that goes by that i do not thank Gram for this blessing....
my past karma has finally caught up with me. i may not be all that i should be, in this life, but i know i have lived many lives prior to this one that my absolute essence is finally being rewarded....
Day 09-- 30 Days, 30 Letters
20 year old self.
Self,
I think the most important thing I can try to tell you at this point is to be true to yourself. Over the next few years things will begin to brighten up. Right now you are trying so hard to make others happy; don't forget yourself. Take the time to allow yourself to breathe....
Unfortunately I do not have a lot to convey to you right now. I know it would be so great to have all of the answers to everything, but you have to find them along the way...and you will. One day, everything will fall into place. It won't be easy, and you will have so many difficult decisions to make, but it will work out for the best. Utilize the strong people in your life, and don't let them go...after all, you will be going to spend time with the single most influential person in your life very, very soon. I need not tell you who that is, because you will know who it is. She's always your biggest fan. She will open your eyes more while you spend that precious time with her, just make sure to take to heart what she says. Don't ever ignore what she tells you...She truly has your best interests at heart, even when she comes off slightly abrasive.
With that being said, I wish you much luck and success....You will find your way.
Your Future Self.
Self,
I think the most important thing I can try to tell you at this point is to be true to yourself. Over the next few years things will begin to brighten up. Right now you are trying so hard to make others happy; don't forget yourself. Take the time to allow yourself to breathe....
Unfortunately I do not have a lot to convey to you right now. I know it would be so great to have all of the answers to everything, but you have to find them along the way...and you will. One day, everything will fall into place. It won't be easy, and you will have so many difficult decisions to make, but it will work out for the best. Utilize the strong people in your life, and don't let them go...after all, you will be going to spend time with the single most influential person in your life very, very soon. I need not tell you who that is, because you will know who it is. She's always your biggest fan. She will open your eyes more while you spend that precious time with her, just make sure to take to heart what she says. Don't ever ignore what she tells you...She truly has your best interests at heart, even when she comes off slightly abrasive.
With that being said, I wish you much luck and success....You will find your way.
Your Future Self.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
What a night.....
i'm not exactly sure why things are turning out the way they are right now. i didn't mean to cause a bad situation...i really didn't. i just became to thoughtful, and took a bad trip down memory lane...Apparently i did what i do best- push the one person i care most about away...
i feel so down today. It's like no matter what i say, She doesn't seem to care much. i just want Her to wrap me up in Her essence and make everything okay again. i know that it's not Her fault that things are a bit queer right now, but i don't know what to do to make everything better again. i didn't mean to push Her away; that's the furthest away from the truth, but apparently that is just what i have done.
i am so scared that i am losing Her...i don't know what is going on. She says She wants to put last night behind us and pretend it didn't happen, but that is not what it feels like. i just want to be in Her arms, so bad....
Yesterday i woke up feeling like i was in a dream; today, it was a nightmare.... The night before last She told me about my surprise--She had planned a trip to come see me next weekend. It felt as if i had dreamed the whole thing; i was the happiest babygirl in the world. On my calendar i highlighted the days in bright colored, scented highlighter....then last night, after my little funk of some sorts, She texted me and said She was cancelling the trip. i feel like my heart is breaking. All i want is to see Her again. i need to be able to curl up next to Her, in Her arms...i need to be able to feel Her against me....i need to feel safe in Daddy's arms.....
i am in such a babygirl space right now. i just need Her. That's all.........
*tears*
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Simple Nights
Last night was a such an enjoyable night...it was simple.
Phone time together, and a few games of Yahtzee...oh so enjoyable...followed by beddy-by-time together........... *smiles*
We were on the phone for the majority of the night. Not all of the time spent on the phone was filled with words, which makes it all the better at times. Just knowing that She is there 'with me' in a sense; this is what makes my babygirl heart fill with the most intense joy.
Many people find it necessary to fill every moment with words, no matter how meaningless the words may be...not us...luckily we aren't one of those mundane couples that feel there has to be constant dialogue. i do not feel this is necessary; fore in life, every moment you spend together is not filled with incessant noise.
Simplicity is beautiful. It is something that cannot be faked. It is something that is thoughtless, and light, but even more importantly, real. Perfectly, amazingly real...as is my love for Her.
~A
Phone time together, and a few games of Yahtzee...oh so enjoyable...followed by beddy-by-time together........... *smiles*
We were on the phone for the majority of the night. Not all of the time spent on the phone was filled with words, which makes it all the better at times. Just knowing that She is there 'with me' in a sense; this is what makes my babygirl heart fill with the most intense joy.
Many people find it necessary to fill every moment with words, no matter how meaningless the words may be...not us...luckily we aren't one of those mundane couples that feel there has to be constant dialogue. i do not feel this is necessary; fore in life, every moment you spend together is not filled with incessant noise.
Simplicity is beautiful. It is something that cannot be faked. It is something that is thoughtless, and light, but even more importantly, real. Perfectly, amazingly real...as is my love for Her.
~A
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Hopefully.......a bittersweet moment...
Today I recieved a phone call to interview for what was initially (on my voicemail) explained as a 'management position' with a certain company...only to call back and find out it is for the Store Manager position, not just 'management.'
Knowing that this company pays well, as well as it being a nationwide company, I had submitted a resume last month at one point, to a local branch of this company, since it was looking like NC wrap-up and everything was not going to happen in a very timely manner. In all actuality, I was not expecting to hear back from them, because I sent it in after the close date...surprise...call back. I now have an interview set up for this afternoon...
Typically this would be cause for quite elation, however, for once, it isn't so much...it's a rather bittersweet moment. I am very flattered that they called, and yes, I am going all out for the position, as I typically do; yet at the same time, it's a bit scarey, knowing that I am interviewing for a long-term position, here...when all I want is to be with Her.
I know that I have to do certain things here before the relocation is totally feasible. I know there are still things that have to happen on Her end before the relocation goes forward, with ease...but just because I know these things, does not mean it feels good. I just have to perserve on, and everything will fall into place...
With that being said, I am going to begin reviewing for this (first) interview, and blow them away...hopefully it will go well...hopefully Chloe can be good, seeing as though it is a phone interview... hopefully I will be scheduling an in person interview soon, as well....
hopefully I'll get to hear those words I love hearing so much from Her...'I'm proud of you.'
*takes a breath*
hopefully.....
~A
Knowing that this company pays well, as well as it being a nationwide company, I had submitted a resume last month at one point, to a local branch of this company, since it was looking like NC wrap-up and everything was not going to happen in a very timely manner. In all actuality, I was not expecting to hear back from them, because I sent it in after the close date...surprise...call back. I now have an interview set up for this afternoon...
Typically this would be cause for quite elation, however, for once, it isn't so much...it's a rather bittersweet moment. I am very flattered that they called, and yes, I am going all out for the position, as I typically do; yet at the same time, it's a bit scarey, knowing that I am interviewing for a long-term position, here...when all I want is to be with Her.
I know that I have to do certain things here before the relocation is totally feasible. I know there are still things that have to happen on Her end before the relocation goes forward, with ease...but just because I know these things, does not mean it feels good. I just have to perserve on, and everything will fall into place...
With that being said, I am going to begin reviewing for this (first) interview, and blow them away...hopefully it will go well...hopefully Chloe can be good, seeing as though it is a phone interview... hopefully I will be scheduling an in person interview soon, as well....
hopefully I'll get to hear those words I love hearing so much from Her...'I'm proud of you.'
*takes a breath*
hopefully.....
~A
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