Sometimes I wonder if you truly understand my inner babygirl. I wonder, silently, if you understand the depth of me...
I say I am in a very introverted, bad space. I haven't spoken to anyone today. I sat on the floor for hours on end, with the baby, playing with mega blocks... You respond by telling me that sometimes I need. Y own space. You don't get what I am telling you. I am silently screaming out to you. I am telling you that I need you. I need reassurance. I need my babygirl heart to be nurtured sometimes; now, being one of those times. I would be content sitting with a coloring book and crayons, I tell you; I am in a very regressive place rigt now...you seem like you aren't hearing me.
Do you understnd me? Do you know who I am? The person I have finally started to accept and appreciate? Do you know how to hold her close and make everything okay? I can live in the 'adult world' that I have been living in, quite easily at times, but Daddy, sometimes I cannot do it. Sometimes I want to embrace my babygirl self...with that being said, I need you to embrace her too...I don't want to have to make real decisions. I don't want to have to deal with big girl things...I just want you to tell me it's going to be okay. I want you to make everything okay. I don't want to have to stand on my own sometimes. It's not like I don't know how to, and have been for way too long, but there are those moments where I feel like it's all just too much...I need you to envelope me in your love. I need you to keep me safe....
It's harder right now than ever, not having you beside me. 18 days with you by my side built a certain level of comfort. You make me safe. You give me the security I need to feel whole... Without you I feel like that lost, little girl...the one I hate. The one that terrifies me. You make me strong. You make my inner babygirl safe enough to be okay with existing in this mad, mad world... I just need to be by your side. I need to be wrapped in your arms, Daddy... Please? Take it all away? Give me the reassurance that you're so good at filling me with. Just tell me again, 'everything's going to be okay, babygirl; I promise' I need those words again...s'il vous plait?
Oh sweet girl. The pain you echo is one that i have very much felt powerless to. You're figuring it out in really productive and healthy ways. i'm so glad we came across eachother!
ReplyDeleteMaybe u r correct in that I don't always get you. You speak of always thinking in the "daddy/babygirl" tone and I do not. I try to tell u 90% of the time that all will b ok but is it ever enough for you? I am not the smothering type. I have tried to handle most decisions to soothe you but have always given you your voice. Your voice is as important. Your decisions and input matters. you can absolutely rely on me but you also need to posess your own independence. Is it ever enough?
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