Don't Let Me...

I'm so stressed out right now. All I want is to be in your arms and to hear you tell me that everything is going to be okay...however, this is not what I am writing about, right now...I need to go back to last night.....

So, as insignifigant as it may seem, as I was writing on the computer last night, it powered down, and I lost a good 30 minutes worth of writing. I, being irritated and irrational, went into hyper-bitch-mode. I took out my frustrations, unfairly, on you, and I take full responsibility for this. After I got the computer booted back up, I skype called you. Since we had been sitting in silence for a while, and I knew how tired you were, I asked you (on the phone) if you were still awake- I feel that you took a tone with me in that moment, and in a sense, fed into my frustration. (yes, daddy, your babygirl is a brat sometimes...but you already know this.) The way I heard your tone further exacerbated my already tense state, causing me to get bitchy towards you. I am very deeply sorry for this. I slammed the computer shut, and in my irritated rage, stormed off across the living room, saying I think I need to go. When I said this to you, no part of me actually wanted to hang up the phone with you. I wanted you to talk to me- to calm me down- to not let me go; instead though, you hung up the phone. No words, no anything...just a dead line. This made me not only more frustrated, but hurt my heart. I felt like you didn't want me, in that moment.
In these awkward, tense moments, I need you to know, I don't want to push you away. I don't want space. I want you to pull me closer, as difficult as it may be. All I want is for you to reassure me and be there for me; unconditionally. I know we fed off of each others negative energy; I accept and acknowledge this, but I need you to understand why this happened; which means I let you in even more.
When I feel like I am being pushed, or even neglected a little, it scares me. It makes my already vulnerable babygirl heart feel like I should protect myself; in a very counterproductive turn, exacerbating already tense moments. I feel, however wrong it may be, that in these moments, if I begin to self-sabotage, in a sense, it would no longer be me being rejected or pushed away, it would be a negative image I am creating, ergo, making it less painful for me. If it's not really me being pushed or neglected, although it still hurts to have that distance, it's more of an artificial pain. It still hurts me, but it's on a more superficial level. I don't want to do this. I don't want to push you away or take out my frustrations on you, but at the same time, I want you to know why this happens; and more importantly, how to keep it from happening and how to fix it.

If I'm in spoiled little bitchy brat mode, you have to take the control back...
Stand up and make your babygirl know that you are still in charge of the situation. Please, daddy, make it all better...I'm yours--don't let me forget it.