Yesterday i was in quite the funk...after quite a bit of thinking,
Although i know and respect that You are on vacation right now, and truly want You to have fun with Your friends, i cannot help it if sometimes i may feel a little neglected. i do not mean to feel this way, and i do understand that throughout the day we are still texting and everything, just sometimes, after a long, exhausting day, everything is just too much, and i know we both know and recognize that when either of us are out of town, things change a little...
As i continued to think about this while falling asleep last night, i remembered my trip, not too awful long ago, to Alabama...while i was there i felt that i was still communicating with You for much of the day (and night) via text message. No, it was not on the same level that we usually communicate, however i felt that i was still dedicating much of my time to You--however You did not believe the same.
The way i am seeing this, is although i felt that i was still on a acceptable level, because it was a lesser level of communication that i was bringing on, it had a more negative impact on You...leaving me feeling inadequate...much like the feelings we discussed yesterday....
i did not like how i felt yesterday, at all. When i opened up and shared about it, i felt as if You didn't care much how i was feeling, but only cared what i was saying and how it made You feel. i am most definitely not saying that this is actually the case, because honestly, i do not believe it to be true, however, that is how i felt--one reality of the situation.
i know that You are trying to still maintain a reasonable level of communication; i understand that completely, and am very thankful for it. You are so amazing, really, truly. i don't want to make You feel inadequate--ever. i don't want You to ever feel as though You do not make me happy, because You do; much more than You could ever really know....
Thank You for being You...thank You for loving me, and making me feel special to You...You make my world a beautiful place, even when You don't think You do.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Day 08-- 30 Days, 30 Letters
your favorite teacher
Mrs. Garrish~
Over the years we have distanced significantly, however, I know that we will never lose touch. You were such an excellent support system for me at a very difficult time in my life, and I will never look beyond or forget that! There were so many things changing in my life, especially when Grams passed away, and for some reason, you embraced me and all of my confusion and sadness. You were, in a sense, my surrogate Grams at that point.
Staying over with you and Lee and the furbabies when Mum would go out of town to see Dan, or to a job fair (also to see Dan) or anything else (usually involving Dan) you would always not only invite, but insist upon me staying with you. You were able to nurture a part of me that I was unable to show my mum, because I was too busy being her support system...
I truly appreciate everything you did for me. You gave me a sense of belonging when I didn't know where to turn, just as you have continued to over the years. I am so thankful that our paths crossed and even more so to still have you in my life!
With Love,
Aften
Mrs. Garrish~
Over the years we have distanced significantly, however, I know that we will never lose touch. You were such an excellent support system for me at a very difficult time in my life, and I will never look beyond or forget that! There were so many things changing in my life, especially when Grams passed away, and for some reason, you embraced me and all of my confusion and sadness. You were, in a sense, my surrogate Grams at that point.
Staying over with you and Lee and the furbabies when Mum would go out of town to see Dan, or to a job fair (also to see Dan) or anything else (usually involving Dan) you would always not only invite, but insist upon me staying with you. You were able to nurture a part of me that I was unable to show my mum, because I was too busy being her support system...
I truly appreciate everything you did for me. You gave me a sense of belonging when I didn't know where to turn, just as you have continued to over the years. I am so thankful that our paths crossed and even more so to still have you in my life!
With Love,
Aften
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thoughts....
I probably should be working on day 08 of my letters blog, seeing as though I have missed a few days, however, I feel that I am in the mental space for something a little different...
Where, oh where to begin...Well, the day that I began the last letter blog, to my ex, I would have been able to approach it a bit differently, however, she and I talked for the first time since I left, that day...awkward? yes. But as life presents situations, we all know that some things are a little more (or less) comfortable than others. She was interested in Chloe...very interested...
Seeing as though I have been in a long term relationship in the past where children were involved, as much as I'd like to pretend that I do not have a heart at times, I do... I know what it feels like to wonder, everyday, about a child; I know how it tears your heart out...and as much as I would like to pretend at times, that I do not care, I do. Bottom line: I have a much bigger heart than I am willing to claim.
After talking with Laura, I did not know how to approach it with my dear R. I was scared to say anything, because I did not want to upset her or make her apprehensive, especially while we were dealing with an issue of our own...because of this, I waited 3 days to say anything--3 days of constant self torment....Luckily, last night I shared the communication with Laura with Her; it went as best as I could have hoped. She was a bit put off, initially, however was perfectly able to handle it on an appropriate level. That's what we all love most about our Daddies, right?
So, after discussion and all, everything was still quite copacetic...there is immense detail I could share, as far as the actual dialogue (on both parts of Laura and I as well as DaddyR and I) yet I feel that the need for that is not there. If I choose to share any of these intimate details with anyone, it would be on a more personal level....
For now, all I can say, is thankfully, I no longer have that dirty little secret to carry around, especially from my Daddy, the one person I hide nothing from.... (perhaps some meditation time is needed...my, it has been quite some time...)
Wrapping this up, the message I truly wanted to convey was how utterly amazing my DaddyR was in dealing with the whole situation, and how extremely lucky I am to have Her in my life. I could not imagine anyone that would be a more perfect fit for me, my life, and little Chloe...
My Daddy may not necessarily assume a Daddy role 24/7 or may not feel She lives up to what I may possibly want, but She is greater than I would ever be able to imagine; not only for me, but formy our little Chloe....She knows what I need, when I need it, and is able to love me, for me...She is able to wrap my babygirl heart up in her essence, and keep me safe. She knows that although she may not always be in Her Daddy space, if my babygirl needs nurturing, She can take care of it...She is everything I could have wished for in my Daddy, and I am so happy...proud... to call her my Daddy...
Where, oh where to begin...Well, the day that I began the last letter blog, to my ex, I would have been able to approach it a bit differently, however, she and I talked for the first time since I left, that day...awkward? yes. But as life presents situations, we all know that some things are a little more (or less) comfortable than others. She was interested in Chloe...very interested...
Seeing as though I have been in a long term relationship in the past where children were involved, as much as I'd like to pretend that I do not have a heart at times, I do... I know what it feels like to wonder, everyday, about a child; I know how it tears your heart out...and as much as I would like to pretend at times, that I do not care, I do. Bottom line: I have a much bigger heart than I am willing to claim.
After talking with Laura, I did not know how to approach it with my dear R. I was scared to say anything, because I did not want to upset her or make her apprehensive, especially while we were dealing with an issue of our own...because of this, I waited 3 days to say anything--3 days of constant self torment....Luckily, last night I shared the communication with Laura with Her; it went as best as I could have hoped. She was a bit put off, initially, however was perfectly able to handle it on an appropriate level. That's what we all love most about our Daddies, right?
So, after discussion and all, everything was still quite copacetic...there is immense detail I could share, as far as the actual dialogue (on both parts of Laura and I as well as DaddyR and I) yet I feel that the need for that is not there. If I choose to share any of these intimate details with anyone, it would be on a more personal level....
For now, all I can say, is thankfully, I no longer have that dirty little secret to carry around, especially from my Daddy, the one person I hide nothing from.... (perhaps some meditation time is needed...my, it has been quite some time...)
Wrapping this up, the message I truly wanted to convey was how utterly amazing my DaddyR was in dealing with the whole situation, and how extremely lucky I am to have Her in my life. I could not imagine anyone that would be a more perfect fit for me, my life, and little Chloe...
My Daddy may not necessarily assume a Daddy role 24/7 or may not feel She lives up to what I may possibly want, but She is greater than I would ever be able to imagine; not only for me, but for
Friday, May 27, 2011
Day 07-- 30 Days, 30 Letters
your ex
Laura,
If I would have wrote this at a different time, perhaps it would have been filled with an immense amount negativity. Perhaps I would have raged on about the abuse, both mental and physical; perhaps I would have blamed you for a lot of things....perhaps....
The truth of the situation is, although I feel you made some really bad decisions while we were together, I do not totally fault you for them. We were in a very volatile place, ergo, I feel to blame you would be unfair. We both should have done things differently, but for whatever reason, we didn't.
As crazy as I may sound at times, I do hope you find true happiness. I hope that all you want and need in life is found in your life.
Honestly, I thought that I would end up writing, and going on a journey through memories here, yet now that I am writing, I'm coming up blank...I know what happened, as do you. These are places that no one should [ever have to] be privy to. Our past, although it was lovely for the first 8 months,the other 4 years were very dark...and I think it's best that we leave it just there...in the past.
With that being said, I wish you well. I hope all your hopes and dreams for the rest of your life are answered.
Aften
Laura,
If I would have wrote this at a different time, perhaps it would have been filled with an immense amount negativity. Perhaps I would have raged on about the abuse, both mental and physical; perhaps I would have blamed you for a lot of things....perhaps....
The truth of the situation is, although I feel you made some really bad decisions while we were together, I do not totally fault you for them. We were in a very volatile place, ergo, I feel to blame you would be unfair. We both should have done things differently, but for whatever reason, we didn't.
As crazy as I may sound at times, I do hope you find true happiness. I hope that all you want and need in life is found in your life.
Honestly, I thought that I would end up writing, and going on a journey through memories here, yet now that I am writing, I'm coming up blank...I know what happened, as do you. These are places that no one should [ever have to] be privy to. Our past, although it was lovely for the first 8 months,the other 4 years were very dark...and I think it's best that we leave it just there...in the past.
With that being said, I wish you well. I hope all your hopes and dreams for the rest of your life are answered.
Aften
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Quick Update...
Although I haven't posted today, I wanted to throw a quick little update up...
I have been in a serious funk all day, as some of my dear fellow babygirls know...however, things have began to turn back in the right direction. I wanted to thank those of you who have been there checking in with me, and also apoligize for my dissociative state!
(while touching on this, I do wish to point out that the whole 'issue' was caused by a certain little babygirl being a total brat....)
After a less than desirable day however, the few minutes on the phone with Her really began to turn everything around again...it's queer how easily things can be changed with Daddy's words....
I feel my babygirl heart tonight, more than ever...I just want to be coddled and showered with Her adoration right now....
With that being said, I'm off, to spend much needed time in Her company....
sometimes the moments of comfortable silence with Her are worth more than those filled with giddy chatter...just to hear Her say 'I love you' now and then....
*this babygirl needs Her right now, so much....*
I have been in a serious funk all day, as some of my dear fellow babygirls know...however, things have began to turn back in the right direction. I wanted to thank those of you who have been there checking in with me, and also apoligize for my dissociative state!
(while touching on this, I do wish to point out that the whole 'issue' was caused by a certain little babygirl being a total brat....)
After a less than desirable day however, the few minutes on the phone with Her really began to turn everything around again...it's queer how easily things can be changed with Daddy's words....
I feel my babygirl heart tonight, more than ever...I just want to be coddled and showered with Her adoration right now....
With that being said, I'm off, to spend much needed time in Her company....
sometimes the moments of comfortable silence with Her are worth more than those filled with giddy chatter...just to hear Her say 'I love you' now and then....
*this babygirl needs Her right now, so much....*
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Day 06-- 30 Days, 30 Letters
your 8-year old self
Dearest aften,
You're so young right now; oh so impressionable. If only you knew at this point in your life, what you will in the future. You are such a bright little girl; so full of potential that one day you will let go of, without realizing you need not do so.
You are sitting in a bathtub every night, reading college level Biochemistry books right now, fully understanding them, so well beyond your years; I wish I could tell you to never let go of that of that tenacity, and you would listen. If only I could make you privy to what I know now, and change the path of your life.
I know how easy and carefree your life may seem to you at this point, for the most part, but little girl, hold onto that ease, fore once you let it go, you will never get it back. That blissful innocence that you have is something you need, so much. Don't regret things, dear girl; please don't. I know you will, but one day you will too, pull through. Don't try to be your Mum's greatest support system....that is not who you are made to be. I know you don't know how to be a child, but try to. Go out and play with your friends, have fun...
Hold on tightly to Grams, and appreciate every moment you have with her, but please little one, know that one day she will not be able to be all that you make her. I know your Grams is your absolute idol, as well as your biggest fan, but she's not as strong as you make her to be. Love her, cherish her, and don't be hard on her; she's not your enemy. She's your greatest supporter. Know that no one can last forever. Treasure every moment with her; make memories, and please, dear child, do not lose them, as I know you unfortunately will.
There are so many things I can only wish you were able to comprehend at this point, yet I know you cannot. Life is a intricate web spun by something greater than we can imagine. One day you will be able to leave behind the adult world you were brought into at such an early age. One day you will find someone to embrace your delicate inner babygirl. Until that day comes though, you will have to fight to be strong. There are so many things that you are going to experience over the next several years; for this, I am very sorry. If I could take it all away for you, I would; unfortunately this is not possible. You will shed many tears over the coming years. You will think you cannot go on, but dear girl, you will make it, and as I said, one day, you will find that special Someone to hold you and cherish you in the ways you should be being held and cherished right now.
One day you will be able to embrace your inner self; you will no longer be responsible for your Mum's well being, nor will you feel that you are. She will start a new family, and as much as you will want to be a part of it, and still be her caretaker, as you are now, you will not be welcomed as. Don't resent this, but rather appreciate it. You will be let free, finally. You will regain your true self, little one, in time...
If I could give you easy answer to all of the pain and heartache that will be bestowed upon you, I would; yet I cannot do this for numerous reasons. The difficult situations that you will have to endure will make you strong. You will meet people in these times that will end up being worth more than life itself to you, in the long run...Follow your heart, little one...it will lead you just where you need to be.
One day you will find yourself able to embrace your babygirl that you are not able to live with right now. One day you will have the love and adoration you only dream of right now...
Keep you head held high and you will persevere through the dark days to find your life lighted by the brightest star ever...you will know it when you find Her.
Life will become beautiful for you, for once....
With Love,
your future self...
Aften
Dearest aften,
You're so young right now; oh so impressionable. If only you knew at this point in your life, what you will in the future. You are such a bright little girl; so full of potential that one day you will let go of, without realizing you need not do so.
You are sitting in a bathtub every night, reading college level Biochemistry books right now, fully understanding them, so well beyond your years; I wish I could tell you to never let go of that of that tenacity, and you would listen. If only I could make you privy to what I know now, and change the path of your life.
I know how easy and carefree your life may seem to you at this point, for the most part, but little girl, hold onto that ease, fore once you let it go, you will never get it back. That blissful innocence that you have is something you need, so much. Don't regret things, dear girl; please don't. I know you will, but one day you will too, pull through. Don't try to be your Mum's greatest support system....that is not who you are made to be. I know you don't know how to be a child, but try to. Go out and play with your friends, have fun...
Hold on tightly to Grams, and appreciate every moment you have with her, but please little one, know that one day she will not be able to be all that you make her. I know your Grams is your absolute idol, as well as your biggest fan, but she's not as strong as you make her to be. Love her, cherish her, and don't be hard on her; she's not your enemy. She's your greatest supporter. Know that no one can last forever. Treasure every moment with her; make memories, and please, dear child, do not lose them, as I know you unfortunately will.
There are so many things I can only wish you were able to comprehend at this point, yet I know you cannot. Life is a intricate web spun by something greater than we can imagine. One day you will be able to leave behind the adult world you were brought into at such an early age. One day you will find someone to embrace your delicate inner babygirl. Until that day comes though, you will have to fight to be strong. There are so many things that you are going to experience over the next several years; for this, I am very sorry. If I could take it all away for you, I would; unfortunately this is not possible. You will shed many tears over the coming years. You will think you cannot go on, but dear girl, you will make it, and as I said, one day, you will find that special Someone to hold you and cherish you in the ways you should be being held and cherished right now.
One day you will be able to embrace your inner self; you will no longer be responsible for your Mum's well being, nor will you feel that you are. She will start a new family, and as much as you will want to be a part of it, and still be her caretaker, as you are now, you will not be welcomed as. Don't resent this, but rather appreciate it. You will be let free, finally. You will regain your true self, little one, in time...
If I could give you easy answer to all of the pain and heartache that will be bestowed upon you, I would; yet I cannot do this for numerous reasons. The difficult situations that you will have to endure will make you strong. You will meet people in these times that will end up being worth more than life itself to you, in the long run...Follow your heart, little one...it will lead you just where you need to be.
One day you will find yourself able to embrace your babygirl that you are not able to live with right now. One day you will have the love and adoration you only dream of right now...
Keep you head held high and you will persevere through the dark days to find your life lighted by the brightest star ever...you will know it when you find Her.
Life will become beautiful for you, for once....
With Love,
your future self...
Aften
You.
are...
My light on the darkest of nights
My knight in shining armour, rescuing me
My first and last breath
My inspiration
My all.
You complete me. You have taken this babygirl heart and made it whole--for this, I owe you my everything. I am Yours, in every way. You own me.
Je t'aime, toujours, ma cherie.
My light on the darkest of nights
My knight in shining armour, rescuing me
My first and last breath
My inspiration
My all.
You complete me. You have taken this babygirl heart and made it whole--for this, I owe you my everything. I am Yours, in every way. You own me.
Je t'aime, toujours, ma cherie.
The time I spend with Her is something so precious to me. The simple things are those that stick with me more than anything...
The few minutes I got to spend on the phone with Her this morning were lovely. She gets me going, every morning; just hearing Her voice makes me so warm...
Today I have a list of undesirable things to do...phone calls, that I am dreading, filling out paperwork to handle my student loan, more phone calls that are going to make me a nervous babbling idiot... I hate having to do these things, oh so very much, but in the back of my mind, I'm thinking to myself that as soon as I am done and tell Her, She will tell me how proud of me She is; this puts me on top of the world. I love hearing those words from Her...so much.
So, with that being said, I suppose I should go and begin my day in the real world...
The few minutes I got to spend on the phone with Her this morning were lovely. She gets me going, every morning; just hearing Her voice makes me so warm...
Today I have a list of undesirable things to do...phone calls, that I am dreading, filling out paperwork to handle my student loan, more phone calls that are going to make me a nervous babbling idiot... I hate having to do these things, oh so very much, but in the back of my mind, I'm thinking to myself that as soon as I am done and tell Her, She will tell me how proud of me She is; this puts me on top of the world. I love hearing those words from Her...so much.
So, with that being said, I suppose I should go and begin my day in the real world...
Monday, May 23, 2011
Day 05-- 30 Days, 30 Letters
your dreams
I don't really know how to begin this one....
Dreams,
There are oh so many of you that have come and gone over time, for one reason or another. My biggest dream that I have passed up was medical school. So few people know of you, dream... I was on such a tight path, throughout high school. All of the extra, advanced science courses; the 3 years of Latin, I somehow crammed into a little over 1 year...everything was set, to have you. Harvard medical school--something I dreamed of, day in and day out...We would almost be there, dream...at least, through the first part. It would have been such an honor to call myself a Nephrologist...however, that is now a distant memory. I'm sorry I gave up on you.
There was so much turmoil in my life at the time; between the estranged relationship with Mum&Dan, as well as all of the chaos choosing to try my Father's family, I couldn't do it any longer. I set you free. Not only did I let myself down in this decision, but I let the dream of fixing what we was wrong with Grams go. I had put so much of my heart and soul into you, and I couldn't do it any longer.
Perhaps one day I will reopen my book of big dreams lost in the chaos of life, with Her by my side, cheering me on; perhaps one day I will truly look into myself, seeing the last view of Grams I ever had, and reconnect on that intimate level, and persue you...but at this point in time, you are a ghost of something passed. If I believed in regretting things, I believe you would be the one thing I most regret, however I cannot bring myself to regret something, fore everything is a learning experience. Sometimes I do wish I could turn back time though, and hold you so close to my heart again...I just do not think I have it in me anymore. I feel like I have lost that little girl that had that drive...I no longer think I am smart enough, or brave enough, or strong enough to find you again....
I'm so sorry for losing you.....I miss you.
With Regrets,
Aften
I don't really know how to begin this one....
Dreams,
There are oh so many of you that have come and gone over time, for one reason or another. My biggest dream that I have passed up was medical school. So few people know of you, dream... I was on such a tight path, throughout high school. All of the extra, advanced science courses; the 3 years of Latin, I somehow crammed into a little over 1 year...everything was set, to have you. Harvard medical school--something I dreamed of, day in and day out...We would almost be there, dream...at least, through the first part. It would have been such an honor to call myself a Nephrologist...however, that is now a distant memory. I'm sorry I gave up on you.
There was so much turmoil in my life at the time; between the estranged relationship with Mum&Dan, as well as all of the chaos choosing to try my Father's family, I couldn't do it any longer. I set you free. Not only did I let myself down in this decision, but I let the dream of fixing what we was wrong with Grams go. I had put so much of my heart and soul into you, and I couldn't do it any longer.
Perhaps one day I will reopen my book of big dreams lost in the chaos of life, with Her by my side, cheering me on; perhaps one day I will truly look into myself, seeing the last view of Grams I ever had, and reconnect on that intimate level, and persue you...but at this point in time, you are a ghost of something passed. If I believed in regretting things, I believe you would be the one thing I most regret, however I cannot bring myself to regret something, fore everything is a learning experience. Sometimes I do wish I could turn back time though, and hold you so close to my heart again...I just do not think I have it in me anymore. I feel like I have lost that little girl that had that drive...I no longer think I am smart enough, or brave enough, or strong enough to find you again....
I'm so sorry for losing you.....I miss you.
With Regrets,
Aften
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Day 04-- 30 Days, 30 Letters
your siblings
Charles and Georgia Rain~
To begin with, I want to say what a joy you both are to be around. Although I do not feel I truly spend that much time with the two of you, every moment I've been around, seeing you both grow up, has been an absolute honor and pleasure.
Charles, I remember the day you were born, still, to this day. This is something I will never forget. I remember babysitting you for Mum and Dan, right after we moved back to North Carolina so they could go over to April and Scott's house for dinner. I know you have no idea what I am talking about, but I remember it like it was yesterday still. Although I wasn't around much, the moments I was with you were a joy.
Seeing you now amazes me. You are such a wonderful, thoughtful, amazing young man. It shocks me that you are already so grown up. You are the most caring, genuinechild young man I have ever met. I constantly brag about you, and pray that Chloe will be like you, in so many ways. You don't care much for being mainstream, and I admire that so much in you; especially at your age. You do what makes you happy, and that amazes me. I am so proud of you, Charles, for the amazing person I see you growing up to be.
I know that things have been tumultuous for you lately, but seeing who you are, I know you will be able to pull through anything. You have such an amazing heart, and I hope that this is something that never fades.
Georgia; dear little one...you are such a joy to be around! You light up a room with your big personality! You are such a bright, cheerful little girl! You are a pleasure to be in the company of, more so than you will know for a long time. You are constantly complimenting the smallest things in others, and it is the sweetest thing! You are so full of energy and life! I look forward to see you blossom into a young woman as time guides you. You have so much potential, and I truly look forward to seeing where it takes you in this life!
The both of you are so amazing; I do not even have the words to explain the joy you bring into my life. You have amazing parents, and I believe that as you get older, you will see all of the opportunities they allow you both to have. Although I am not around you as much as I would like to be, I want you to always know that I love you very, very much, and no matter where we are, be it near or far, I am always here for you; just a phone call away, no matter what.
With Love,
Your Sissy, Aften
Charles and Georgia Rain~
To begin with, I want to say what a joy you both are to be around. Although I do not feel I truly spend that much time with the two of you, every moment I've been around, seeing you both grow up, has been an absolute honor and pleasure.
Charles, I remember the day you were born, still, to this day. This is something I will never forget. I remember babysitting you for Mum and Dan, right after we moved back to North Carolina so they could go over to April and Scott's house for dinner. I know you have no idea what I am talking about, but I remember it like it was yesterday still. Although I wasn't around much, the moments I was with you were a joy.
Seeing you now amazes me. You are such a wonderful, thoughtful, amazing young man. It shocks me that you are already so grown up. You are the most caring, genuine
I know that things have been tumultuous for you lately, but seeing who you are, I know you will be able to pull through anything. You have such an amazing heart, and I hope that this is something that never fades.
Georgia; dear little one...you are such a joy to be around! You light up a room with your big personality! You are such a bright, cheerful little girl! You are a pleasure to be in the company of, more so than you will know for a long time. You are constantly complimenting the smallest things in others, and it is the sweetest thing! You are so full of energy and life! I look forward to see you blossom into a young woman as time guides you. You have so much potential, and I truly look forward to seeing where it takes you in this life!
The both of you are so amazing; I do not even have the words to explain the joy you bring into my life. You have amazing parents, and I believe that as you get older, you will see all of the opportunities they allow you both to have. Although I am not around you as much as I would like to be, I want you to always know that I love you very, very much, and no matter where we are, be it near or far, I am always here for you; just a phone call away, no matter what.
With Love,
Your Sissy, Aften
Wow.
So, last night was to be summed up with one not so excellent adjective: wow.
I don't know what it was that made it so breathtakingly amazing, but the place I went through Your words was friggen amazing.
So, with that being said, let's talk phone sex.
I suck at it, point blank, cut and dried... I am a verbal prude 99% of the time. As much as I want to say a lot of things, my mouth and brain just do not agree on it. In fact, most of the time I can't even write half of the things that run through my head. So, with that point being made, me and phone sex just don't get along so well...Typically, this wouldn't be an issue so much, but it is a key in a long distance relationship at times...and apparently that key is still at the locksmith's, when it comes to me.
Well, with this being said, I can go on and say that our 'phone sexin' time is one of those things that just isn't. The closest to it that we come is leaving the phone on, while getting off separately. Very rarely are words exchanged, mainly because it becomes very one sided, very fast. To my (oh so happy) surprise, last night, for some reason She decided to start talking to me, and oh my, what an effect it had on me. Holy smokes! (yes, I said holy smokes. lol.)
The things she was saying, and how she was talking to me...mmm...lets just say, it left very little to be desired. I was so mentally there; yes, there were moments that I could have probably interjected some lovely words, and I was very close to mind and mouth agreement, but dear god...I couldn't interrupt that!!!! *grins* I was so in the mental space I so greatly enjoy...
(in fact, when I woke up this morning, I was still in that place; oh my!)
I don't know what it was that made it so breathtakingly amazing, but the place I went through Your words was friggen amazing.
So, with that being said, let's talk phone sex.
I suck at it, point blank, cut and dried... I am a verbal prude 99% of the time. As much as I want to say a lot of things, my mouth and brain just do not agree on it. In fact, most of the time I can't even write half of the things that run through my head. So, with that point being made, me and phone sex just don't get along so well...Typically, this wouldn't be an issue so much, but it is a key in a long distance relationship at times...and apparently that key is still at the locksmith's, when it comes to me.
Well, with this being said, I can go on and say that our 'phone sexin' time is one of those things that just isn't. The closest to it that we come is leaving the phone on, while getting off separately. Very rarely are words exchanged, mainly because it becomes very one sided, very fast. To my (oh so happy) surprise, last night, for some reason She decided to start talking to me, and oh my, what an effect it had on me. Holy smokes! (yes, I said holy smokes. lol.)
The things she was saying, and how she was talking to me...mmm...lets just say, it left very little to be desired. I was so mentally there; yes, there were moments that I could have probably interjected some lovely words, and I was very close to mind and mouth agreement, but dear god...I couldn't interrupt that!!!! *grins* I was so in the mental space I so greatly enjoy...
(in fact, when I woke up this morning, I was still in that place; oh my!)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Day 03-- 30 Days, 30 Letters
your parents.
Mum and Dan,
I don't really know how to begin this, nor what I wish to truly convey in it, but I will give it a go...
There are so many things I could say; I could simply recall the most conspicuous moments in my memory, but I feel that this would not convey any true meaning; if anything, it would more than likely give the semblance of resentment, when in reality, I have let go of the majority of that towards the both of you.
I've held onto the past for so long, and resented so many things that I've felt you consciously brought forth for me in my life, however I am to a point where I no longer believe these things. I spent so much time questioning your love and motives for sending me away. It felt like you were ready to move on with your life, and start a family together; a family that wasn't big enough for me too. I'm not saying that I never have these feelings now, because if I said so, it would be a lie; however I now realize, ultimately, that was not what you were trying to do. You didn't know, nor do I believe you ever will truly understand, what you were signing me up for. When you sent me away to HLA, you believed you were doing the best thing for me, but in reality, you couldn't have been further from the truth. The one thing I gained while being there, was a true sense of self; and that, was not something in their 'ciruclium.' That, I only achieved, because of the woman they tried to separate me from; because of Nanette. She was the only reason I was able to grow in the ways I did; she was the only reason I had while I was there...
You will never understand the irreparable damage that place did to my psyche. The constant scrutiny that I was placed under; the lesser level of academics; the people that I was exposed to...the belittlement from staff members that I underwent every single day of my life. The constant verbal abuse, the pressures from my 'mentors' as well as peers to be someone I wasn't; and these are just some of the minor things there. Nanette was my rock; she was the only positive thing I had there, yet no one was able to see that. They saw me as an overly opinionated girl that was against everyone, when in reality, I was a lost little girl, looking for someone to love her, and give her the encouraging words she needed to survive in this big, dark world.
There were always so many things I wanted to tell you, but couldn't. I knew you would never believe me, and if I breathed a word, I would be placed on restrictions, longer, and told I was trying to 'manipulate my family,' when in reality, I was just trying to do everything they preached on end: be honest. The strip searches, the sleeping in the hallway, under the bright lights, on the cold, hard tile floors...being told I would never make it anywhere...all of these things hit hard, and again, all I had to hold onto was Nan.
This letter is not about HLA though, nor is it about the role Nan played in my life, and always will; it is about you. The point I am trying to convey with these references however, is that yes, I feel that you could have made wiser choices for me, yet I no longer fault you for this. I understand that you did not know what you were signing me up for, nor did you know the intense, permanent psychological damage it did to me. In retrospect though, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in this world, because the one thing I was so desperately seeking, that I felt I hadn't truly had since Gram died, I found. I found my Nan, who helped me find myself, and push aside that desperate, lost, little girl I was terrified of.
Throughout the years, I have held onto so much angst and resentment for you guys, but more for Dan than anything. Dan, I blamed you for everything. I swore that if you weren't in the picture, Mum would still love me. She would have never 'parted with' me. I would have never had to endure the 15+ months of torture I had; as much as I do believe that still, I no longer hate you for it. I know that you gave Mum what she needed to be strong. You were her rock. She couldn't handle me, and all of the adolescent, pent up anger I had, and through you, she was able to make her life more manageable.
I could easily be hostile about this still, but I no longer am. I don't like that this was the way everything had to play out, but I respect your (as a unit) decisions. I am glad that you were there for her, when I could no longer be. I don't hate you, nor do I hold resentment towards you- I just want you to make my Mum happy. Her happiness is something that I have grown to believe is worth more than mine was at that volatile state in time. I know that I left the both of you with few options, and you were concerned with the state of your family; which I did nothing to make more easy for you.
As much as we may see differently, to this day, I no longer believe you are 'out to get me.' I honestly believe that you do want to see me succeed, only you have to see that before you are totally willing to welcome me 'back' with open arms. You may not know it, but I strive to make you proud, more than I do Mum at times. I know that you were always pushed beyond your limits, ergo, that is what you do to others; push to make them strive beyond their cognitive abilities. I promise you, one day, I will make you proud. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next month, but I will make you proud of me, one day.
Mum, you have no idea how highly I speak of you. I am your biggest supporter. When people ask me about my past and my childhood, yes, I say there are things that I would change if given the opportunity, but at the same time, I always say how wonderful my Mum was. You were young and still gave me everything humanly possible. I recall the library and park trips; how you were so young, but chose me over any and everything else. I do wish that certain things could have been different, but I truly believe you were an excellent mother to me. You are something like no other. Most girls that have children at such a young age become so stagnant, yet you went on. You finished school, as well as college, and made a life for yourself, as well as me. You did everything you thought would be most beneficial to me. You were my best friend, just like Gram was to you. You were amazing. in that aspect, and I thank you for that.
As I continue to write, and remember so many things, I want you (both) to know that I never meant to cause any heartache. I thought I was making decisions that would be productive at some point in time. I have been so stupid, so many times, but now, I know who I am; I know who I am, what I want, and how to get there, only, the getting there is not a very easy route. I will persevere on though. Through the teachings of others, extensive meditations and self reflection, I have learned exactly who I am, what I want, and what I need to do to get there.
I appreciate what you have been, or tried to be, for me. I know that you have done everything to the best of your ability, and I truly appreciate that. I hope one day you (both) will be able to honestly say that you are proud of me, fore that is what I wish, more than anything else.
I love you, both of you, more than you know, and appreciate everything you have tried to do for me. I wish that I could feel more loved and accepted by you both, but fault myself for the insecurities I hold. My only hope for the future is that I can give you back what you have put into me.
With Love,
Aften
Mum and Dan,
I don't really know how to begin this, nor what I wish to truly convey in it, but I will give it a go...
There are so many things I could say; I could simply recall the most conspicuous moments in my memory, but I feel that this would not convey any true meaning; if anything, it would more than likely give the semblance of resentment, when in reality, I have let go of the majority of that towards the both of you.
I've held onto the past for so long, and resented so many things that I've felt you consciously brought forth for me in my life, however I am to a point where I no longer believe these things. I spent so much time questioning your love and motives for sending me away. It felt like you were ready to move on with your life, and start a family together; a family that wasn't big enough for me too. I'm not saying that I never have these feelings now, because if I said so, it would be a lie; however I now realize, ultimately, that was not what you were trying to do. You didn't know, nor do I believe you ever will truly understand, what you were signing me up for. When you sent me away to HLA, you believed you were doing the best thing for me, but in reality, you couldn't have been further from the truth. The one thing I gained while being there, was a true sense of self; and that, was not something in their 'ciruclium.' That, I only achieved, because of the woman they tried to separate me from; because of Nanette. She was the only reason I was able to grow in the ways I did; she was the only reason I had while I was there...
You will never understand the irreparable damage that place did to my psyche. The constant scrutiny that I was placed under; the lesser level of academics; the people that I was exposed to...the belittlement from staff members that I underwent every single day of my life. The constant verbal abuse, the pressures from my 'mentors' as well as peers to be someone I wasn't; and these are just some of the minor things there. Nanette was my rock; she was the only positive thing I had there, yet no one was able to see that. They saw me as an overly opinionated girl that was against everyone, when in reality, I was a lost little girl, looking for someone to love her, and give her the encouraging words she needed to survive in this big, dark world.
There were always so many things I wanted to tell you, but couldn't. I knew you would never believe me, and if I breathed a word, I would be placed on restrictions, longer, and told I was trying to 'manipulate my family,' when in reality, I was just trying to do everything they preached on end: be honest. The strip searches, the sleeping in the hallway, under the bright lights, on the cold, hard tile floors...being told I would never make it anywhere...all of these things hit hard, and again, all I had to hold onto was Nan.
This letter is not about HLA though, nor is it about the role Nan played in my life, and always will; it is about you. The point I am trying to convey with these references however, is that yes, I feel that you could have made wiser choices for me, yet I no longer fault you for this. I understand that you did not know what you were signing me up for, nor did you know the intense, permanent psychological damage it did to me. In retrospect though, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in this world, because the one thing I was so desperately seeking, that I felt I hadn't truly had since Gram died, I found. I found my Nan, who helped me find myself, and push aside that desperate, lost, little girl I was terrified of.
Throughout the years, I have held onto so much angst and resentment for you guys, but more for Dan than anything. Dan, I blamed you for everything. I swore that if you weren't in the picture, Mum would still love me. She would have never 'parted with' me. I would have never had to endure the 15+ months of torture I had; as much as I do believe that still, I no longer hate you for it. I know that you gave Mum what she needed to be strong. You were her rock. She couldn't handle me, and all of the adolescent, pent up anger I had, and through you, she was able to make her life more manageable.
I could easily be hostile about this still, but I no longer am. I don't like that this was the way everything had to play out, but I respect your (as a unit) decisions. I am glad that you were there for her, when I could no longer be. I don't hate you, nor do I hold resentment towards you- I just want you to make my Mum happy. Her happiness is something that I have grown to believe is worth more than mine was at that volatile state in time. I know that I left the both of you with few options, and you were concerned with the state of your family; which I did nothing to make more easy for you.
As much as we may see differently, to this day, I no longer believe you are 'out to get me.' I honestly believe that you do want to see me succeed, only you have to see that before you are totally willing to welcome me 'back' with open arms. You may not know it, but I strive to make you proud, more than I do Mum at times. I know that you were always pushed beyond your limits, ergo, that is what you do to others; push to make them strive beyond their cognitive abilities. I promise you, one day, I will make you proud. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next month, but I will make you proud of me, one day.
Mum, you have no idea how highly I speak of you. I am your biggest supporter. When people ask me about my past and my childhood, yes, I say there are things that I would change if given the opportunity, but at the same time, I always say how wonderful my Mum was. You were young and still gave me everything humanly possible. I recall the library and park trips; how you were so young, but chose me over any and everything else. I do wish that certain things could have been different, but I truly believe you were an excellent mother to me. You are something like no other. Most girls that have children at such a young age become so stagnant, yet you went on. You finished school, as well as college, and made a life for yourself, as well as me. You did everything you thought would be most beneficial to me. You were my best friend, just like Gram was to you. You were amazing. in that aspect, and I thank you for that.
As I continue to write, and remember so many things, I want you (both) to know that I never meant to cause any heartache. I thought I was making decisions that would be productive at some point in time. I have been so stupid, so many times, but now, I know who I am; I know who I am, what I want, and how to get there, only, the getting there is not a very easy route. I will persevere on though. Through the teachings of others, extensive meditations and self reflection, I have learned exactly who I am, what I want, and what I need to do to get there.
I appreciate what you have been, or tried to be, for me. I know that you have done everything to the best of your ability, and I truly appreciate that. I hope one day you (both) will be able to honestly say that you are proud of me, fore that is what I wish, more than anything else.
I love you, both of you, more than you know, and appreciate everything you have tried to do for me. I wish that I could feel more loved and accepted by you both, but fault myself for the insecurities I hold. My only hope for the future is that I can give you back what you have put into me.
With Love,
Aften
Friday, May 20, 2011
Day 02-- 30 Days, 30 Letters
your high school crush
JJ,
How many times I've dreamed of having the chance to write you a letter again, after the fateful one I wrote you that made you lose your job. How many times I cried myself to sleep, knowing I would never get to speak to you again, I'd never get to see you again; and worst of all, knowing that I was the reason you lost your job.
The day I found out what had happened, I was heartbroken. I was so young, and stupid, but I was in a very vulnerable place. I was stunnned that they had fired you over it, but more so, that they even found it. I felt like such an ass; I couldn't believe that you were gone.
In the short time I got to spend with you, I grew to enjoy your company oh so much. When I got sent away from school to wilderness that time, I was so distraught--not because I was going to wilderness (again) but because I knew I wouldn't get to see you, or spend time with you anymore for a while...but I alsoknew thought that I would get to see you again when I got back...and then the day came where Mr.Shady Staff, Wendell, said that I could secretly write to you, and he would take it to you. I was so excited, just to have that momentary contact with you again...but that one moment of pleasure came at a much higher cost than I would have ever dreamed of...
I spent so many days and nights thinking of how I could get in touch with you again after I was told you (as well as Wendell) had been fired, but deep down, I knew that I would never see you again. It was one of my many of a series of letdowns, but as simple as it sounds, I never was able to forget it.
I tried so many times to figure out a way to get in touch with you again, but as we know, that was not possible. With no information to go on, it was a lost cause. There were so many things I wished I could tell you; how great it felt to know that someone was there for me, in the Hell hole, after Nan was gone; how much I enjoyed the moments we got to spend together; and most of all, how sorry I was(and am) for sealing the fate of your job like that.
After the many years have passed. I still would jump on the opportunity to apoligize to you if given it. I was young and horribly stupid. I should have thought it through a little wiser, yet at the same time, I will never understand how you lost the letter, for it to be found! With that being said, I will never forget the role you played in my life; I just wish I would have had the chance to know you even better.
The run plan would have worked :o)
Warm Regards,
Aften
JJ,
How many times I've dreamed of having the chance to write you a letter again, after the fateful one I wrote you that made you lose your job. How many times I cried myself to sleep, knowing I would never get to speak to you again, I'd never get to see you again; and worst of all, knowing that I was the reason you lost your job.
The day I found out what had happened, I was heartbroken. I was so young, and stupid, but I was in a very vulnerable place. I was stunnned that they had fired you over it, but more so, that they even found it. I felt like such an ass; I couldn't believe that you were gone.
In the short time I got to spend with you, I grew to enjoy your company oh so much. When I got sent away from school to wilderness that time, I was so distraught--not because I was going to wilderness (again) but because I knew I wouldn't get to see you, or spend time with you anymore for a while...but I also
I spent so many days and nights thinking of how I could get in touch with you again after I was told you (as well as Wendell) had been fired, but deep down, I knew that I would never see you again. It was one of my many of a series of letdowns, but as simple as it sounds, I never was able to forget it.
I tried so many times to figure out a way to get in touch with you again, but as we know, that was not possible. With no information to go on, it was a lost cause. There were so many things I wished I could tell you; how great it felt to know that someone was there for me, in the Hell hole, after Nan was gone; how much I enjoyed the moments we got to spend together; and most of all, how sorry I was(and am) for sealing the fate of your job like that.
After the many years have passed. I still would jump on the opportunity to apoligize to you if given it. I was young and horribly stupid. I should have thought it through a little wiser, yet at the same time, I will never understand how you lost the letter, for it to be found! With that being said, I will never forget the role you played in my life; I just wish I would have had the chance to know you even better.
The run plan would have worked :o)
Warm Regards,
Aften
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Day 01-- 30 Days, 30 Letters
Letter to your best friend.
Dearest Rhonda,
As I begin writing, I have to say, first and foremost, you are my best friend, amongst so many other things. You and I both know that I have a very select group of friends, and certain people I do hold near and dear, but you are the person I run to with any and everything. You are such an amazing woman. I frequently wonder to myself, what I have done to deserve you being brought into my life. You make my darkest days bright again; no matter what is going on in my life, you are there for me, and you make it all copacetic for me.
When we first began talking, I was going through a very tumultuous time. I honestly do not understand why you stuck by me at that point. From all of the crazy nights that I would lock Chloe and myself in the spare room, sleeping on the baby mattress from her crib, on the floor, scared that L would come and try something crazy; to the screaming and verbal battles you would hear going on; to that night that I had to call the police... There were so many horrible things going on, that you were being dragged into, but you still stuck by me.
The worst night was the one that I thought I was going to lose you. I still remember that night like it was yesterday. All of the chaos had been going on, and I told you that you could still walk away--and you seemed as though that was what you were going to do. I felt like everything was suddenly at a standstill- and hung up the phone on you...and then began sobbing. Luckily, you called me back...and (obviously) we worked through all of the crazy...as well as came to the agreement that that would never happen again; the me hanging up on you thing, that is...
Shortly after that chaos spree, things got worse in my current situation, and somehow you helped me gain the courage to finally leave, permanently. I don't think I could have done it without you by my side. I was scared to, for so many reasons, and somehow, you made me strong enough to do it. You began filling me with your warmth and light, even then.
After that, everything with us began to smooth out. I was finally away from the chaos, and could devote my free time to you, uninteruppted, which was what I wanted so badly. We continued talking at every free moment, falling asleep at night on the phone together, talking as soon as we woke up...it was like you were with me, but not. It's funny that we grew so close, so quickly; even before we physically met.
Meeting you in person for the first time was such an emotional moment for me. I was so scared that something would go wrong, or that you wouldn't like me; and yes, we both know, I was a little apprehensive about my height complex. *smiles* But, as fate made it, everything went beautifully (outside of you breaking your finger 10min off the plane...) After being able to have you beside me, wrapped up in your arms, I couldn't imagine anything in the world more perfect.
The day you left, I felt like a piece of my heart was breaking off and walking away. Seeing you drive off to the airport that afternoon, my world began to crash. I felt like...words cannot even begin to explain how I felt that day....hysterical. When you came back through my front door, I felt like I was dreaming. I got to wrap my arms around you again. I got to feel your body against mine. I got to kiss you. It made it so much easier. When you told me you came back because you would have time, even if it was for only 10 or 15 minutes, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world; and it solidified that it wasn't just me feeling, it was you too. It made me feel less broken...
I could continue on a play by play account of so many things, but I think I've highlighted a lot here, thus far. You make me feel like I'm on top of the world; like nothing else matters. You are so much more to me than I believe you will ever know. The silly little moments we spend laughing, or playing Scrabble, or talking about the claw--hehe-- are the things I love most about you. Certain songs will play on the radio, and they bring bittersweet moments. I can see you sitting beside me singing them, wrong words and all...it makes me smile, and giggle to myself. It makes me feel so alive; it's so vivid...and then it makes me miss you even more.
I love the way you light up the room, and my life. I love the way you make me laugh at the most random things. I love how you make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. I love that we can spend countless hours on the phone, yet only feel the need to fill some moments with words, yet it is never awkward or uncomfortable. It just is. It's comfort, and companionship; togetherness and closeness. I love that you are so much more than my lover, partner, future wife or daddy, but you are my best friend, too. You fill me with amazing feelings of love, joy and happiness, and I would never trade that (or you) ever, in a million years.
So, with that being said, I thank you for being in my life, and loving me, as me--nothing more, nothing less. I love you Rhonda. I love you more than you know...
~your babygirl,
Aften.
Dearest Rhonda,
As I begin writing, I have to say, first and foremost, you are my best friend, amongst so many other things. You and I both know that I have a very select group of friends, and certain people I do hold near and dear, but you are the person I run to with any and everything. You are such an amazing woman. I frequently wonder to myself, what I have done to deserve you being brought into my life. You make my darkest days bright again; no matter what is going on in my life, you are there for me, and you make it all copacetic for me.
When we first began talking, I was going through a very tumultuous time. I honestly do not understand why you stuck by me at that point. From all of the crazy nights that I would lock Chloe and myself in the spare room, sleeping on the baby mattress from her crib, on the floor, scared that L would come and try something crazy; to the screaming and verbal battles you would hear going on; to that night that I had to call the police... There were so many horrible things going on, that you were being dragged into, but you still stuck by me.
The worst night was the one that I thought I was going to lose you. I still remember that night like it was yesterday. All of the chaos had been going on, and I told you that you could still walk away--and you seemed as though that was what you were going to do. I felt like everything was suddenly at a standstill- and hung up the phone on you...and then began sobbing. Luckily, you called me back...and (obviously) we worked through all of the crazy...as well as came to the agreement that that would never happen again; the me hanging up on you thing, that is...
Shortly after that chaos spree, things got worse in my current situation, and somehow you helped me gain the courage to finally leave, permanently. I don't think I could have done it without you by my side. I was scared to, for so many reasons, and somehow, you made me strong enough to do it. You began filling me with your warmth and light, even then.
After that, everything with us began to smooth out. I was finally away from the chaos, and could devote my free time to you, uninteruppted, which was what I wanted so badly. We continued talking at every free moment, falling asleep at night on the phone together, talking as soon as we woke up...it was like you were with me, but not. It's funny that we grew so close, so quickly; even before we physically met.
Meeting you in person for the first time was such an emotional moment for me. I was so scared that something would go wrong, or that you wouldn't like me; and yes, we both know, I was a little apprehensive about my height complex. *smiles* But, as fate made it, everything went beautifully (outside of you breaking your finger 10min off the plane...) After being able to have you beside me, wrapped up in your arms, I couldn't imagine anything in the world more perfect.
The day you left, I felt like a piece of my heart was breaking off and walking away. Seeing you drive off to the airport that afternoon, my world began to crash. I felt like...words cannot even begin to explain how I felt that day....hysterical. When you came back through my front door, I felt like I was dreaming. I got to wrap my arms around you again. I got to feel your body against mine. I got to kiss you. It made it so much easier. When you told me you came back because you would have time, even if it was for only 10 or 15 minutes, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world; and it solidified that it wasn't just me feeling, it was you too. It made me feel less broken...
I could continue on a play by play account of so many things, but I think I've highlighted a lot here, thus far. You make me feel like I'm on top of the world; like nothing else matters. You are so much more to me than I believe you will ever know. The silly little moments we spend laughing, or playing Scrabble, or talking about the claw--hehe-- are the things I love most about you. Certain songs will play on the radio, and they bring bittersweet moments. I can see you sitting beside me singing them, wrong words and all...it makes me smile, and giggle to myself. It makes me feel so alive; it's so vivid...and then it makes me miss you even more.
I love the way you light up the room, and my life. I love the way you make me laugh at the most random things. I love how you make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. I love that we can spend countless hours on the phone, yet only feel the need to fill some moments with words, yet it is never awkward or uncomfortable. It just is. It's comfort, and companionship; togetherness and closeness. I love that you are so much more than my lover, partner, future wife or daddy, but you are my best friend, too. You fill me with amazing feelings of love, joy and happiness, and I would never trade that (or you) ever, in a million years.
So, with that being said, I thank you for being in my life, and loving me, as me--nothing more, nothing less. I love you Rhonda. I love you more than you know...
~your babygirl,
Aften.
30 Days, 30 Letters
30 Days, 30 Letters
Whether or not I will actually get these done over the next 30 days is doubtful, however, I thought it may be a good thing for me, so I will give it a shot over the next 30 or so days...
Day 01 – Letter 1: Your best friend
Day 02 – Letter 2: Your high school crush.
Day 03 – Letter 3: Your parents.
Day 04 – Letter 4: Your siblings.
Day 05 – Letter 5: Your dreams.
Day 06 – Letter 6: Your 8 year-old self.
Day 07 – Letter 7: Your ex.
Day 08 – Letter 8: Your favorite teacher.
Day 09 – Letter 9: Your 20 year-old self.
Day 10 – Letter 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11 – Letter 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 – Letter 12: The last waiter/waitress who served you.
Day 13 – Letter 13: Someone you wish you could forgive.
Day 14 – Letter 14: Someone you drifted away from.
Day 15 – Letter 15: The person you miss the most.
Day 16 – Letter 16: Your body.
Day 17 – Letter 17: Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 – Letter 18: The person you wish you could be.
Day 19 – Letter 19: Someone that pesters your mind (Good or bad).
Day 20 – Letter 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 – Letter 21: Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 – Letter 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 – Letter 23: The last person you kissed.
Day 24 – Letter 24: Your guardian angel.
Day 25 – Letter 25: The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 – Letter 26: The last person you made a pinkie promise to.
Day 27 – Letter 27: The last cashier you interacted with.
Day 28 – Letter 28: Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 – Letter 29: The person you want to tell everything to, but are afraid to.
Day 30 – Letter 30: Your reflection in the mirror.
Whether or not I will actually get these done over the next 30 days is doubtful, however, I thought it may be a good thing for me, so I will give it a shot over the next 30 or so days...
Day 01 – Letter 1: Your best friend
Day 02 – Letter 2: Your high school crush.
Day 03 – Letter 3: Your parents.
Day 04 – Letter 4: Your siblings.
Day 05 – Letter 5: Your dreams.
Day 06 – Letter 6: Your 8 year-old self.
Day 07 – Letter 7: Your ex.
Day 08 – Letter 8: Your favorite teacher.
Day 09 – Letter 9: Your 20 year-old self.
Day 10 – Letter 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.
Day 11 – Letter 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 – Letter 12: The last waiter/waitress who served you.
Day 13 – Letter 13: Someone you wish you could forgive.
Day 14 – Letter 14: Someone you drifted away from.
Day 15 – Letter 15: The person you miss the most.
Day 16 – Letter 16: Your body.
Day 17 – Letter 17: Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 – Letter 18: The person you wish you could be.
Day 19 – Letter 19: Someone that pesters your mind (Good or bad).
Day 20 – Letter 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 – Letter 21: Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 – Letter 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 – Letter 23: The last person you kissed.
Day 24 – Letter 24: Your guardian angel.
Day 25 – Letter 25: The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 – Letter 26: The last person you made a pinkie promise to.
Day 27 – Letter 27: The last cashier you interacted with.
Day 28 – Letter 28: Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 – Letter 29: The person you want to tell everything to, but are afraid to.
Day 30 – Letter 30: Your reflection in the mirror.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Everything will be okay...
Life is so overwhelming sometimes. I hate it when I cannot do anything to make things better for Her...
I would write more, but I ought not say too much...
I will sum it up with this:
Although I am Her babygirl, I can be a big girl when I need to be, now, being one of those times. Everything will be better; I have faith that it will. We all have those moments of desperation, when it seems as though everything around us is crumbling and we've lost faith; I have enough faith for the both of us now though- I will pick up where You drop off....You always make it better for me, with the words and warmth You give me; now it's my turn. You carry me through my roughest days, as I will for You...
I love You more than anything in this world. I do not know what I would do without You. My world would crash without Your radiant presence. I never want to live a day without You in it--Neva Eva!! You are my reason in this lifetime; I was made for You- to make You happy, and I will stop at nothing to do just that.
Keep Your chin up Daddy. Everything will be okay; it may not seem like it is right now, but I truly believe that it will be. Your babygirl is here for You, no matter what, cheering You on...knowing that You will be fine...we will be fine.
je t'aime.
I would write more, but I ought not say too much...
I will sum it up with this:
Although I am Her babygirl, I can be a big girl when I need to be, now, being one of those times. Everything will be better; I have faith that it will. We all have those moments of desperation, when it seems as though everything around us is crumbling and we've lost faith; I have enough faith for the both of us now though- I will pick up where You drop off....You always make it better for me, with the words and warmth You give me; now it's my turn. You carry me through my roughest days, as I will for You...
I love You more than anything in this world. I do not know what I would do without You. My world would crash without Your radiant presence. I never want to live a day without You in it--Neva Eva!! You are my reason in this lifetime; I was made for You- to make You happy, and I will stop at nothing to do just that.
Keep Your chin up Daddy. Everything will be okay; it may not seem like it is right now, but I truly believe that it will be. Your babygirl is here for You, no matter what, cheering You on...knowing that You will be fine...we will be fine.
je t'aime.
Random Moments
Random 'I love you' calls are the best, especially on days where nerves are wearing thin.
She called for a few minutes because She stepped outside at work for a moment, just to check in with me and tell me She misses me. *smiles* Things like this are the ones that make me the luckiest babygirl ever. The little random 'thinking of you' type of things make shakey moments of the day much better.
My Daddy is the greatest...
She called for a few minutes because She stepped outside at work for a moment, just to check in with me and tell me She misses me. *smiles* Things like this are the ones that make me the luckiest babygirl ever. The little random 'thinking of you' type of things make shakey moments of the day much better.
My Daddy is the greatest...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Rough Days...
Nights like these are when I'm most thankful for my Daddy. She knows just what to say to make things better for me. I don't know what I would do without Her sometimes, other than be so lost....
This has been a very emotionally tolling day. Too much time dealing with too many intense things in the real world. Too many letdowns and disappointments...the only thing going right, right now is the calm, comforting words of Her. I hate stressing Her out. I feel like I'm just too much sometimes, and I don't want to burden Her with all of my chaos.
She tells me everything is alright though- that everything will be fine. I have no choice but to believe in what she's telling me. She tells me to have faith; that She does...I trust Her. I trust my Daddy.
These are the moments that I truly feel like I am the luckiest babygirl ever. I have the greatest Daddy I could ever conjure up, in my wildest thoughts. She takes me from my lowest, darkest place, and puts me on top of a bright, sun-filled mountain...She makes everything sparkle and glow with such radiance.
These are the moments where I feel I have found the one thing in life I've been missing- Her.
I am Daddy's babygirl. She is my reason...with Her, I am complete.
This has been a very emotionally tolling day. Too much time dealing with too many intense things in the real world. Too many letdowns and disappointments...the only thing going right, right now is the calm, comforting words of Her. I hate stressing Her out. I feel like I'm just too much sometimes, and I don't want to burden Her with all of my chaos.
She tells me everything is alright though- that everything will be fine. I have no choice but to believe in what she's telling me. She tells me to have faith; that She does...I trust Her. I trust my Daddy.
These are the moments that I truly feel like I am the luckiest babygirl ever. I have the greatest Daddy I could ever conjure up, in my wildest thoughts. She takes me from my lowest, darkest place, and puts me on top of a bright, sun-filled mountain...She makes everything sparkle and glow with such radiance.
These are the moments where I feel I have found the one thing in life I've been missing- Her.
I am Daddy's babygirl. She is my reason...with Her, I am complete.
Last Night=Babygirl Bliss
Yesterday was spent making important phone calls, which is something I hate doing and home hunting. *smiles* I'm not one to be much for phone calls, so, I tend to procrastinate it as much as possible, with anything.
Last night I got much much needed and beloved Daddy time which was oh so wonderful. I love it when She tells me how proud of me She is. She sat there and told me what a good girl I am, and how I did so well doing my big girl stuff. It fills me with such elation, hearing Her tell me how proud of me She is...sends me straight to cloud 9. It makes doing things that are less than desirable so much easier, knowing that She will be proud of me...I love making Her happy with me. When She says how proud Daddy is of this babygirl, it's as if nothing else in the world matters...I filled with giggles and grins, twirling my hair around my fingers, with no real words...
Last night we played our Scrabble games, and I definitely regained my winning name. *teehee* She decided that we were playing for double or nothing, because I reminded Her that I had won our little bet at the Central Park Zoo, and had a "whatever you want" pass....Well, Her plan seemed to work in my advantage...after all that Scrabble trash talking! hehe. Not only did I win once, but twice! GO ME!! woohoo! I really enjoy our Scrabble time, as does She...It makes the distance more bearable.
So, with that being said, yesterday was a wonderful day. We made some progress on the home hunt; I sent Her several postings that seem to be acceptable, had great conversation time, and a lovely time playing Scrabble...I can't even begin to explain how happy I am with Daddy...words cannot begin to touch upon the elation She makes me feel.
I am one happy babygirl *grins*
Last night I got much much needed and beloved Daddy time which was oh so wonderful. I love it when She tells me how proud of me She is. She sat there and told me what a good girl I am, and how I did so well doing my big girl stuff. It fills me with such elation, hearing Her tell me how proud of me She is...sends me straight to cloud 9. It makes doing things that are less than desirable so much easier, knowing that She will be proud of me...I love making Her happy with me. When She says how proud Daddy is of this babygirl, it's as if nothing else in the world matters...I filled with giggles and grins, twirling my hair around my fingers, with no real words...
Last night we played our Scrabble games, and I definitely regained my winning name. *teehee* She decided that we were playing for double or nothing, because I reminded Her that I had won our little bet at the Central Park Zoo, and had a "whatever you want" pass....Well, Her plan seemed to work in my advantage...after all that Scrabble trash talking! hehe. Not only did I win once, but twice! GO ME!! woohoo! I really enjoy our Scrabble time, as does She...It makes the distance more bearable.
So, with that being said, yesterday was a wonderful day. We made some progress on the home hunt; I sent Her several postings that seem to be acceptable, had great conversation time, and a lovely time playing Scrabble...I can't even begin to explain how happy I am with Daddy...words cannot begin to touch upon the elation She makes me feel.
I am one happy babygirl *grins*
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I hate it when She seems slightly abrasive or has that dissociative air about Her. It makes me feel like I cannot fix something, and I want to, more than anything. I know it's not my fault; She continues to reinforce that, but is so vauge about the reasoning to the abrasive manner...I just wish I could fix it...
Perhaps tonight is just a precarious night for me...perhaps I am reading too much in between the lines? I think not, but perhaps it is easier to think that, then to think that something is wrong and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
Perhaps tonight is just a precarious night for me...perhaps I am reading too much in between the lines? I think not, but perhaps it is easier to think that, then to think that something is wrong and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
Daddy Space?
Sometimes You opt not to be in that Daddy space, per sae; You say You feel there is a conflict of interest there, because I want You to be, but what I feel You do not realize, is whether You are there or not, I still feel You are. You know when I need You to be there in that capicity for me, and You don't let me down.
You say that You want me to have what I want, and I may not with You, but don't You see, what I want is You. Although you may not feel the Daddy space 100% of the time, I know that it is there still, whether it shows or not...I know that you are still Daddy, and I don't want nor expect you to necessarily show it all of the time. That is one of the greatest things about us. I know that I still have a voice with You; I am not only Your babygirl, but I am Your partner. You hear my voice, no matter what it is, and take it from there. It feels good to be Your equal, but also Your babygirl. I know I can be a part of the grown up world and succeed just fine; no one has to know anything about my inner self, but when I'm with You, I feel safe--I know that I can let my babygirl heart show, and You will keep me safe. I'm allowed to let go, be free, and not keep her locked away, hiding from the world.
So, even if You do not think you may not necessarily fill the Daddy role all of the time, or are not in that Daddy space, you are still my Daddy...all of the time.
Daddy is not something that comes and goes. It is something that is there, whether or not You think it is, or believe You are living up to my expectations. You don't have to live up to anyone's stereotypes. There is no norm. All that matters is that You and I are happy...all I want is to be Your babygirl, always...whether you are in that Daddy space, or not; whether I am in my beloved babygirl space at the moment, or have to be a grown up...I am still Your babygirl, and You are still Daddy, to me...it's something that is inside, not necessarily shown.
<3 your babygirl.
You say that You want me to have what I want, and I may not with You, but don't You see, what I want is You. Although you may not feel the Daddy space 100% of the time, I know that it is there still, whether it shows or not...I know that you are still Daddy, and I don't want nor expect you to necessarily show it all of the time. That is one of the greatest things about us. I know that I still have a voice with You; I am not only Your babygirl, but I am Your partner. You hear my voice, no matter what it is, and take it from there. It feels good to be Your equal, but also Your babygirl. I know I can be a part of the grown up world and succeed just fine; no one has to know anything about my inner self, but when I'm with You, I feel safe--I know that I can let my babygirl heart show, and You will keep me safe. I'm allowed to let go, be free, and not keep her locked away, hiding from the world.
So, even if You do not think you may not necessarily fill the Daddy role all of the time, or are not in that Daddy space, you are still my Daddy...all of the time.
Daddy is not something that comes and goes. It is something that is there, whether or not You think it is, or believe You are living up to my expectations. You don't have to live up to anyone's stereotypes. There is no norm. All that matters is that You and I are happy...all I want is to be Your babygirl, always...whether you are in that Daddy space, or not; whether I am in my beloved babygirl space at the moment, or have to be a grown up...I am still Your babygirl, and You are still Daddy, to me...it's something that is inside, not necessarily shown.
<3 your babygirl.
Waking up this morning, I hear Her stirring quietly, as the curtain rod falls off the wall, onto me in bed...rufkm? Is the day starting like this already???
Oddly enough, I'm not too awful put off by the shakey start. I slept well last night, for the most part, and had a great time playing Scrabble with Her...not to mention the cute little comment on last nights blog that She left.
How lucky am I to have such a wonderful Daddy? She stayed on the phone with me, comforting and calming, making everything better, ensuring I get to sleep well....making me feel oh so very loved.
Oddly enough, I'm not too awful put off by the shakey start. I slept well last night, for the most part, and had a great time playing Scrabble with Her...not to mention the cute little comment on last nights blog that She left.
How lucky am I to have such a wonderful Daddy? She stayed on the phone with me, comforting and calming, making everything better, ensuring I get to sleep well....making me feel oh so very loved.
Just to follow up quickly, since I am now on the phone, this babygirl's silent screams were heard, and met with that warm, loving embrace of adoration that I so love...
All feels better, knowing that You are there for me....
With that being said, I am going to spend some much needed time with Her...playing Scrabble :o)
All feels better, knowing that You are there for me....
With that being said, I am going to spend some much needed time with Her...playing Scrabble :o)
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Oh, what a day...and night.
Sometimes we all get our bratty moments...well, let me just say, tonight is my night, for sure...this day seems like it has just been a series of unfortunate events...
The air conditioner has died, apparently, and on a quite warm day...it is 10pm, and my house is still a lovely 84; with that being said, it is cooler than it was earlier today...I've opened all of my windows to let it cool down, and it's still miserable. Due to the heat, both myself and Chloe are a little ill. She's been screaming like a lunatic and is flushed because of that and the heat...and will not sleep. So, there we have big issue number one...
Coming in at a close second, my mother wanted to be a complete bitch on the phone earlier, which was great, especially since she already knew the heat issue, plus all of my other not so publicized stressors that I need not even begin to touch upon right now.
Continuing on the series of unfortunate events, I opened my kitchen cabinet to get a glass out, and my ALL TIME FAVORITE wine glass fell out, shattering into a million little multi-colored glass shards...and then, while cleaning up in a frenzy to prevent Chloe from injuring herself, I whacked the holy Jesus Mary and Joseph out of my toe, resulting in a lovely puddle of blood....which made for even more, painful, cleaing....
Is that enough on my list of bitching? Perhaps? But rather than letting go of everything piling up right now, I become a bitchy, bratty babygirl; rather than telling Her that I am having a very difficult, overwhelming night, I push Her away, saying She need not call because I know She is busy at Her friends house, and I am going to go lay down...translation? I'm screaming out, silently, please call me...anything. Just make everything go away. Yur babygirl needs you right now...just make everything okay...s'il vous plait??
So, dear gentle readers, I do what I am best at...push away. Get overwhelmed, become catty, and pray She can read my silent meanings...the question is at this point, will She call when she leaves her friends house, or assume me to be asleep, and try to give me my much needed rest? All I can do is hope to hear Her voice, comforting words, and fall asleep to Her breath on the other end of the phone... Perhaps the silent screams of my babygirl heart will be heard....
I love you...plus que vous ne savez.
The air conditioner has died, apparently, and on a quite warm day...it is 10pm, and my house is still a lovely 84; with that being said, it is cooler than it was earlier today...I've opened all of my windows to let it cool down, and it's still miserable. Due to the heat, both myself and Chloe are a little ill. She's been screaming like a lunatic and is flushed because of that and the heat...and will not sleep. So, there we have big issue number one...
Coming in at a close second, my mother wanted to be a complete bitch on the phone earlier, which was great, especially since she already knew the heat issue, plus all of my other not so publicized stressors that I need not even begin to touch upon right now.
Continuing on the series of unfortunate events, I opened my kitchen cabinet to get a glass out, and my ALL TIME FAVORITE wine glass fell out, shattering into a million little multi-colored glass shards...and then, while cleaning up in a frenzy to prevent Chloe from injuring herself, I whacked the holy Jesus Mary and Joseph out of my toe, resulting in a lovely puddle of blood....which made for even more, painful, cleaing....
Is that enough on my list of bitching? Perhaps? But rather than letting go of everything piling up right now, I become a bitchy, bratty babygirl; rather than telling Her that I am having a very difficult, overwhelming night, I push Her away, saying She need not call because I know She is busy at Her friends house, and I am going to go lay down...translation? I'm screaming out, silently, please call me...anything. Just make everything go away. Yur babygirl needs you right now...just make everything okay...s'il vous plait??
So, dear gentle readers, I do what I am best at...push away. Get overwhelmed, become catty, and pray She can read my silent meanings...the question is at this point, will She call when she leaves her friends house, or assume me to be asleep, and try to give me my much needed rest? All I can do is hope to hear Her voice, comforting words, and fall asleep to Her breath on the other end of the phone... Perhaps the silent screams of my babygirl heart will be heard....
I love you...plus que vous ne savez.
2:30pm...Hot as Hell in house...
On the phone, bitching about my thermostat f*cking up....
it goes, as follows....
me: "...Come fix my damn air, it's so friggen hot in here..."
Her: "..go outside..."
me: "It's hotter out there..."
Her: "Honey, I'm not mechanical..."
me: "I don't care...just fix it!!"
Her: "...so, I'm just supposed to fix everything, right?"
me: "YES!! Now you're getting it!"
Her: "How about I just come fan you?"
me: " Awwww!! That was cute! You so get cute points for that one..."
The end. :o) hehe....
Just thought it was too adorable! ...yes, I'm a sappy, mushy babygirl...But that's why You love me! :o)
it goes, as follows....
me: "...Come fix my damn air, it's so friggen hot in here..."
Her: "..go outside..."
me: "It's hotter out there..."
Her: "Honey, I'm not mechanical..."
me: "I don't care...just fix it!!"
Her: "...so, I'm just supposed to fix everything, right?"
me: "YES!! Now you're getting it!"
Her: "How about I just come fan you?"
me: " Awwww!! That was cute! You so get cute points for that one..."
The end. :o) hehe....
Just thought it was too adorable! ...yes, I'm a sappy, mushy babygirl...But that's why You love me! :o)
Waking up this morning without you was difficult. I know that I have to be here right now to try to get everything wrapped up and for us to get a place up there to grow our little family, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier. I have been with you for the past 3 weekends! It feels as if I don't know how to function sometimes without you by my side.
You are tucked away sleeping right now; the phone is still on. Occasionaly I hear you stirring, and it makes me drift into daydream land momentarily....I think of how blissful it was to be in your arms; how warm and safe you felt. What I wouldn't give right now, just for a moment in your arms; to feel your lips against mine; your hands, drifting over my body....To be able to look into your eyes right now, and have you read my mind-- see into my heart and soul.
Sometimes words don't come easily, you know I'm a very visual thinker. I know this puts a strain on us sometimes, but at the same time, I know that when I look at you in that certain way, you know everything I wish I could say. You know exactly what I am feeling, and I love this...
I love you...my Daddy, my partner, my best friend, my future wife....you complete me in ways I did not know were possible.
Thank you.
You are tucked away sleeping right now; the phone is still on. Occasionaly I hear you stirring, and it makes me drift into daydream land momentarily....I think of how blissful it was to be in your arms; how warm and safe you felt. What I wouldn't give right now, just for a moment in your arms; to feel your lips against mine; your hands, drifting over my body....To be able to look into your eyes right now, and have you read my mind-- see into my heart and soul.
Sometimes words don't come easily, you know I'm a very visual thinker. I know this puts a strain on us sometimes, but at the same time, I know that when I look at you in that certain way, you know everything I wish I could say. You know exactly what I am feeling, and I love this...
I love you...my Daddy, my partner, my best friend, my future wife....you complete me in ways I did not know were possible.
Thank you.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
In response......
You ask if it's ever enough; if you are enough...it saddens me to know that you question you because of me. I don't want you to doubt your adequacy with me, ever.
Yes, it is enough...you are more than enough.
You tell me everything will be okay, and I believe that it will, because you say it will. I know you do not want to smother me; that you want me to be able to stand on my own, and I can, just sometimes I don't want to...There are those difficult times where I just want to be coddled. You envelope me in your love, wrapping me in a safe space. You take me there with the simplest words of reassurance. You give me all I need in only a moment of your words and gestures.
It's alright that you do not always get me- I don't expect you to. At times I want you to be able to though. I want to explain me to you...I want you to know every intimate detail of me, no matter how difficult it may be for me to explain...I never want a time to come where we become stagnant. We can always be better, and through complete understanding, we become better...
Yes, it is enough...you are more than enough.
You tell me everything will be okay, and I believe that it will, because you say it will. I know you do not want to smother me; that you want me to be able to stand on my own, and I can, just sometimes I don't want to...There are those difficult times where I just want to be coddled. You envelope me in your love, wrapping me in a safe space. You take me there with the simplest words of reassurance. You give me all I need in only a moment of your words and gestures.
It's alright that you do not always get me- I don't expect you to. At times I want you to be able to though. I want to explain me to you...I want you to know every intimate detail of me, no matter how difficult it may be for me to explain...I never want a time to come where we become stagnant. We can always be better, and through complete understanding, we become better...
Well, I definitely woke up in a much better space than I was in yesterday. Perhaps venting and all aired out some of my emotional issues for the moment. Sometimes it's good to let people in, I suppose.
I fell asleep with her on the phone last night, to the sleepy breathing sounds on the other end of the line. It was comforting, knowing she was there with me, in a sense. I cuddled up to the t-shirt that smells like her, and my overweight dauschund...having the scent of her surrounding me eased my aching babygirl heart. It was the closest thing I could get to being in Daddy's arms....
We got up this morning, at the crack of dawn....the baby was ready to get up, so that's what we did! I woke up feeling oddly refreshed, although I didn't sleep too well! We had a very productive morning, thus far...did dishes, cooked breakfast, played outside for a few minutes, and got to spend a much needed 54 minutes on the phone with her. It's those little things that mean so much- being on the phone during the morning commute to work, the little texts that come throughout the day, just saying 'thinking of u' or something of that nature. These are the things that soothe my babygirl heart.
So, the apartment hunt shall continue throughout the day; perhaps something decent will turn up, that is not a fake posting...grrr....the sooner I can find something, the sooner we can be together again...
I fell asleep with her on the phone last night, to the sleepy breathing sounds on the other end of the line. It was comforting, knowing she was there with me, in a sense. I cuddled up to the t-shirt that smells like her, and my overweight dauschund...having the scent of her surrounding me eased my aching babygirl heart. It was the closest thing I could get to being in Daddy's arms....
We got up this morning, at the crack of dawn....the baby was ready to get up, so that's what we did! I woke up feeling oddly refreshed, although I didn't sleep too well! We had a very productive morning, thus far...did dishes, cooked breakfast, played outside for a few minutes, and got to spend a much needed 54 minutes on the phone with her. It's those little things that mean so much- being on the phone during the morning commute to work, the little texts that come throughout the day, just saying 'thinking of u' or something of that nature. These are the things that soothe my babygirl heart.
So, the apartment hunt shall continue throughout the day; perhaps something decent will turn up, that is not a fake posting...grrr....the sooner I can find something, the sooner we can be together again...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Feeling lost...
Sometimes I wonder if you truly understand my inner babygirl. I wonder, silently, if you understand the depth of me...
I say I am in a very introverted, bad space. I haven't spoken to anyone today. I sat on the floor for hours on end, with the baby, playing with mega blocks... You respond by telling me that sometimes I need. Y own space. You don't get what I am telling you. I am silently screaming out to you. I am telling you that I need you. I need reassurance. I need my babygirl heart to be nurtured sometimes; now, being one of those times. I would be content sitting with a coloring book and crayons, I tell you; I am in a very regressive place rigt now...you seem like you aren't hearing me.
Do you understnd me? Do you know who I am? The person I have finally started to accept and appreciate? Do you know how to hold her close and make everything okay? I can live in the 'adult world' that I have been living in, quite easily at times, but Daddy, sometimes I cannot do it. Sometimes I want to embrace my babygirl self...with that being said, I need you to embrace her too...I don't want to have to make real decisions. I don't want to have to deal with big girl things...I just want you to tell me it's going to be okay. I want you to make everything okay. I don't want to have to stand on my own sometimes. It's not like I don't know how to, and have been for way too long, but there are those moments where I feel like it's all just too much...I need you to envelope me in your love. I need you to keep me safe....
It's harder right now than ever, not having you beside me. 18 days with you by my side built a certain level of comfort. You make me safe. You give me the security I need to feel whole... Without you I feel like that lost, little girl...the one I hate. The one that terrifies me. You make me strong. You make my inner babygirl safe enough to be okay with existing in this mad, mad world... I just need to be by your side. I need to be wrapped in your arms, Daddy... Please? Take it all away? Give me the reassurance that you're so good at filling me with. Just tell me again, 'everything's going to be okay, babygirl; I promise' I need those words again...s'il vous plait?
I say I am in a very introverted, bad space. I haven't spoken to anyone today. I sat on the floor for hours on end, with the baby, playing with mega blocks... You respond by telling me that sometimes I need. Y own space. You don't get what I am telling you. I am silently screaming out to you. I am telling you that I need you. I need reassurance. I need my babygirl heart to be nurtured sometimes; now, being one of those times. I would be content sitting with a coloring book and crayons, I tell you; I am in a very regressive place rigt now...you seem like you aren't hearing me.
Do you understnd me? Do you know who I am? The person I have finally started to accept and appreciate? Do you know how to hold her close and make everything okay? I can live in the 'adult world' that I have been living in, quite easily at times, but Daddy, sometimes I cannot do it. Sometimes I want to embrace my babygirl self...with that being said, I need you to embrace her too...I don't want to have to make real decisions. I don't want to have to deal with big girl things...I just want you to tell me it's going to be okay. I want you to make everything okay. I don't want to have to stand on my own sometimes. It's not like I don't know how to, and have been for way too long, but there are those moments where I feel like it's all just too much...I need you to envelope me in your love. I need you to keep me safe....
It's harder right now than ever, not having you beside me. 18 days with you by my side built a certain level of comfort. You make me safe. You give me the security I need to feel whole... Without you I feel like that lost, little girl...the one I hate. The one that terrifies me. You make me strong. You make my inner babygirl safe enough to be okay with existing in this mad, mad world... I just need to be by your side. I need to be wrapped in your arms, Daddy... Please? Take it all away? Give me the reassurance that you're so good at filling me with. Just tell me again, 'everything's going to be okay, babygirl; I promise' I need those words again...s'il vous plait?
Missing you...
Not being with Daddy right now seems harder than ever. It hurts so much not being in her arms...last night, yes, I satiated my angst with entirely too much alcohol-- drinking my way into total and complete oblivion. It was all copacetic until I woke up at 5am, alone, and the harsh reality set in.
My babygirl heart is screaming out in agony, needing to be coddled; needing Daddy's love and affection...needing to be held and told everything is going to be okay...
It loops through my head, 'everything is going to be alright babygirl... I promise' that's the one thing even remotely satiating this pain....
My babygirl heart is screaming out in agony, needing to be coddled; needing Daddy's love and affection...needing to be held and told everything is going to be okay...
It loops through my head, 'everything is going to be alright babygirl... I promise' that's the one thing even remotely satiating this pain....
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Sex life, say what?
So apparently we haven't been as discreet with our sex life as we had thought, have we Daddy? It has just been brought to light that while the baby was with a sitter we have an audible audience. Teehee. blushes Apparently this babygirl was a bit more vocal than she thought?
And while on the topic of a sex life, dear gentle readers, I must say, all I really can say at this point, is wow...thank god someone finally gets me. Daddy, you are so amazing for me...
See, sex (and satisfaction) is 90% mental for me; perhaps this is one of the main reasons I am typically so horribly difficult to please? At last I have found someone that I can let go with. I have had more consecutive orgasms in the past 2 weeks than I have had in the past 2 years (disregarding ones achieved through mastrabation)
Bliss. Enough said. Now, I must go spend some more much needed time with Daddy.....
And while on the topic of a sex life, dear gentle readers, I must say, all I really can say at this point, is wow...thank god someone finally gets me. Daddy, you are so amazing for me...
See, sex (and satisfaction) is 90% mental for me; perhaps this is one of the main reasons I am typically so horribly difficult to please? At last I have found someone that I can let go with. I have had more consecutive orgasms in the past 2 weeks than I have had in the past 2 years (disregarding ones achieved through mastrabation)
Bliss. Enough said. Now, I must go spend some more much needed time with Daddy.....
Friday, May 6, 2011
Random thought
Daddy's back...
short, simple and to the point...sometimes the most simplistic line is the one that can send this babygirl into an elated place...
*mobile post*
short, simple and to the point...sometimes the most simplistic line is the one that can send this babygirl into an elated place...
*mobile post*
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
all feels right...
Today is a lovey mood day. I long to be cuddled up beside you right now, more than words can express...
Last night was very, uhm, entertaining...to say the least. (deboning a chicken in a bathroom...this is something most people cannot say they have been a part of...) I love happy, light, silly moments. These are the things that can warm me on the coldest of days. Falling asleep wrapped close to your side...all feels right again.
I don't feel scared anymore. You placed your hand on my back and told me everything is going to be okay. That you are not going anywhere. You gave me the reassurance I needed. You took my fears away. You wrapped me in more than just your arms, but in your love. You comforted my babygirl heart.
I love you for this. I love you for not turning your back on me...or us. I love you for not just being you but also, for being my daddy.
Last night was very, uhm, entertaining...to say the least. (deboning a chicken in a bathroom...this is something most people cannot say they have been a part of...) I love happy, light, silly moments. These are the things that can warm me on the coldest of days. Falling asleep wrapped close to your side...all feels right again.
I don't feel scared anymore. You placed your hand on my back and told me everything is going to be okay. That you are not going anywhere. You gave me the reassurance I needed. You took my fears away. You wrapped me in more than just your arms, but in your love. You comforted my babygirl heart.
I love you for this. I love you for not turning your back on me...or us. I love you for not just being you but also, for being my daddy.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
So Close, yet so far...
Although we are close right now, I feel so far from you. I want, more than anything, for you to take me in your arms, look in my eyes, and tell me everything is going to be okay, babygirl... I need to hear these words more than I need the air I breathe. I'm scared to ask you if everything is going to be okay, because I fear the answer...I'm scared that you will say it won't be.
You say I don't deserve the things you do, but I don't see that. I want you- unconditionally. You say I should run, but I never would... I love you- why can't yousee accept this? I feel like you're looking for a reason for me to run; I feel that you are looking for a reason to run too, though. Yes, there are things that I don't particualrly care for that you do, but I accept you for who you are. I just don't understand why you won't accept that I love you, no matter what.
I just want to curl up and cry. I just want to know that I'm not losing you. I just want to feel your love.......
You say I don't deserve the things you do, but I don't see that. I want you- unconditionally. You say I should run, but I never would... I love you- why can't you
I just want to curl up and cry. I just want to know that I'm not losing you. I just want to feel your love.......
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