Light at the End of the Tunnel

So, today has been a very, uhm, colorful day, to say the least. After last night, I was left feeling a little distraught...a bit broken and unsure. I didn't know which way was up. I didn't understand what happened. I felt as though I had done somethng wrong, but deep doen in, ultimately, I knew I had not...The better part of me was wishing I had, because it would at least explain something. I was silently chastising myself for something I could not pointSo, today has been a very, uhm, colorful day, to say the least. After last night, I was left feeling a little distraught, to say the least. I didn't know which way was up. I didn't understand what happened last night. I felt as though I had done somethng wrong, but knew I had not...I was wishing I had, because it would at least explain something. I was silently chastising myself for something I could not point out....
A bit later, I finally talked to Her. Although it was still fairly early, it felt like I had waited forever, just to hear Her voice again...I understand that She is terribly stressed out right now; there is a lot going on, and I definitely do not fault Her for this; it's just hard-- especially not knowing or understanding what is going on.

So, moving forward, after talking to Her on messenger, I felt a little bit better...She made me feel Her presence again...I didn't feel as lost. I was a bit concerned about Her, because She did not seem to be in a good space, but I know She is strong, and I can be strong for Her as well.
Today was a day my dynamic personality had to show. Rather than being babygirl, I was more than willing and able to be the strong, kickass femme I also am. Her strong, kickass femme. I wanted to support Her in any and every way that I could. If I could take away all of the stress and worries, I would...unfortunately I am not capable of that. All I could do was speak words of comfort, and let Her know that no matter what, I am by Her side...I am always Her biggest fan, cheering Her on.

As the day progressed, She looked at a couple apartments for us...so we can all be together again-soon...the happy little family we make, so well... She was put off by the first She saw, calling me, telling me how awful it was...however, the next call I received was something totally different. She didn't have the same sullen, melancholy tone to Her voice, rather, She was radiant. She found something She really, really liked, that was perfectly reasonable...
Honestly, I was concerned about it for a couple of reasons, but as She continued to tell me about it, hearing the joy radiating from Her voice, I began to warm up. She seemed so happy that She had found it, and did not want to look any further. As apprehensive as I felt, even being in my strong, kickass femme mode, I still trust Daddy. I still trust Her judgement totally, wholeheartedly.

So, as the story goes, She signed the lease today and can move in on Tuesday! As unsure as I initially was, when I heard that She got it, all of my fears and apprehensions dissipated. Everything felt as though it got sucked into this whirlwind of surreal perfection. I don't even have the words to explain it. I felt such an extreme rush of emotion. I wanted to scream out in joy. I wanted to cry. I felt so much, it was almost a numbness...there's absolutely no way to explain the myriad of emotions that I was overcome with.
I am still in shock that this is actually real. Part of me is still expecting to wake up, and it all have been a dream...if this is a dream, it is a dream that I never want to wake up from; a dream that I expect never to wake up from. The light at the end of the tunnel is finally in sight.

Now, it is just waiting to get back up there...and once we are back, we are finally home. Chloe will have her mommy's, I will have my DaddyR, and She will have Her babygirls. *grins* both of us.I finally can see my happily ever after. My perfect little family. Our perfection...and I cannot wait to live it.

my true self...my innocence...my babygirl heart.

You took a piece of my fragile heart and threw it away tonight, as if it didn't matter or exist. You made me feel unimportant ...unwanted and unloved. You made me promises and gave me hope, making my day brighter, only to break them; letting me down and making everything feel so broken...especially this fragile, scared babygirl heart.
I put so much faith and trust in You. Do You not see this? I have trusted You with every piece of me.....i have shown You parts of myself that no one has ever seen. You have seen the REAL me; raw and unedited. Bare and true and vulnerable. I have given You parts of myself that i could never even have dreamed of showing anyone...i have let the terrified babygirl, so full of innocence, buried deep within me out, because i have trusted You to keep her safe. i have given You the greatest gift i have to offer- my true self, full of so much hope. Full of so many dreams. Full of complete innocence, in more ways than You could ever dream of.

Do You not realize that i have put total and compete faith in You? Can You not see that I've placed not only my heart and soul, but my true innermost self in Your hands? I've given You my true innocence. I've placed every ounce of hope and faith in Your hands, trusting You to keep me safe. Trusting You to protect my babygirl heart...

I have nothing more to give. You own every part of my mind, body, heart, and soul. I am, in every way, 100% Yours...You hold the key to my heart. You carry my innermost self in Your pocket. You have my truest self--My babygirl heart. The pure, unjaded innocence that no one else is able to know. You hold the power in Your palm without even knowing.
I live to make You happy. I strive to make You proud. I would do anything and everything You would ever ask...i am Yours, in each and every way possible, yet You don't see it...perhaps You don't even want it... but i need You to. I need You to need me in ways You dont want to admit. I need You to want these parts of me no one else has been worthy of. I need You to see the absolute unconditional love that i have for You...but most of all, i need You to love me and keep me safe. I need You to embrace my babygirl heart that I've given to You, and never let her go...

Every step i take is for You...all i ask in return is Your love...this babygirl heart needs to be cared for and cherished...i need You to keep me safe...

Please, Daddy...wrap me in Your warmth and safety...protect the innocence i possess; the innocence i am made of. I am Yours, in every way possible...just please, protect Your babygirl...

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It hurts more and more, not being by Her side. Although we have only been apart for a little less than a week, my heart is bleeding and screaming out in agony. i feel as i am missing a life force. i feel as though a (big) piece of me is missing.
i think about this crappy situation right now and how we cannot be together at the moment. i wish with every fiber in my being that we will be together again, soon...very soon. But i am terrified that we may not be as soon as we would like....

Every morning i wake up, and for that tenth of a second where i am opening my eyes, i believe She is there. And then reality revisits. The harsh pain of reality. She is not beside me. i am not wrapped in Her arms, only Her t-shirt....there are sporadic moments throughout the day where i turn my head and expect Her to be there- yet then i remember that She isn't...it was merely a daydream i had hoped to melt into...

My heart breaks every moment of every day, knowing that i do not have Her right there. My heart breaks every time i think of being in Her arms or even just sitting in the car with Her, laughing and being silly together. My heart breaks looking at the pictures of Her and Chloe playing, or reminiscing over the fun little family adventures we have already had together. My heart breaks knowing that my ourfamily cannot be together right now...

The only thing that makes it bearable at all is the hope that we will all be together again soon. The warm, light, joy-filled memories that i have. Knowing that Chloe will have her MommyRhonda back and i will have my best friend, my lover, my Daddy, and my future wife by my side again...our perfect little family will be able to be just that...perfect.

It still hurts though.

Daddy, i have a secret for You...

I have a little secret that i MUST tell You now, Daddy...please don't be upset with me! ...when I was finishing that last batch of laundry, hanging all of Your clothes, i stumbled upon one of Your shirts that had fallen to the bottom of the closet...
I have never seen You in it, and it looked so comfy...*bashful grin*
I knew I was leaving the next day and needed something of Yours to keep with me, especially at night, when I need Your safety and comfort most....so I packed it with my stuff, *nervous blush* promising myself i would tell You...I felt silly about it though...I don't know why, but I did. I'm sorry I didn't tell You right off...but for some reason, I thought You would think it was silly. :-(

So, earlier today, I decided I would find a creative way to tell You I borrowed Your shirt.......I've slept in or with of every night. If I've been to warm, I've had one arm through one sleeve, so i dont wake up without it ever so close to me, and the rest wrapped around me, nuzzling down into it...it makes me feel safer- and closer to You...it makes my tears fade more easily, just because it's Yours....
I'm sorry I didn't ask first...I was scared I may forget or something...I'm sorry I haven't told You yet...I was scared You would think it was silly, or worse, be mad at me for not asking...
Either way, I must say, I'm not sorry for borrowing it...at all. It keeps me close to You...it keeps You with me...it keeps me safe, by being a part of You.

I hope You are not upset with me, rather see the innocence of it...my babygirl heart couldn't risk not having a part of You with me....

I need You with me. I need You to hold my hand and keep me safe,sometimes. I need You to keep *this* babygirl heart safe...and cherish her....I just need You.

I love You Daddy....my One, my Only.

So, there's my (not so) 'dirty little secret' to You....
*bashful smile*
...still love Your babygirl?

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Another sleepless night...

Another night where sleep seems unable to find me. I miss Her so much...all I can think of is being by Her side again, and having our family back together...
I spent the past 2-3 hours looking at more homes for us, with seemingly decent luck. Im pretty certain I have about 15+ emails from myself at this point for different homes for us. My mind is consumed by thoughts of having our family back. I need it, and I need it soon; just as I know She needs it...and little C needs it...
Today was rough because I hardly got to speak to Her, which ripped my heRt apart...luckily, this evening, we finally got some time together, online...better than nothing. She made me smile and feel the warm fuzzies again, which I was really needing. She called me Her babygirl, and made me feel like I was melting all over...it was nice...
That one word coming from Her mouth can take my darkest moments and fill them with rays of light again...

I must go and try to get sleep. It is already well past midnight, and I know C will be up at the asscrack of dawn, as usual! Hopefully the sleep fairies will work their magic, and help me get through this time right now without DaddyR....*sigh* I just miss Her so much....

...going to lay down, cuddled up with thoughts of being in Her arms again....

More babbling..

Tonight is a hard night...after a hard day.
The company tonight was enjoyable, but it never kept my mind off of Her, not that this surprises me. She consumes every fiber of my being; being without Her is like being without air. Times like these are the ones that remind me most intensely of just how much I truly do need Her.

I am in such babygirl space right now, sitting here, Indian style on the bed, in the dark...pouring my heart out to an iPad....I need my Daddy to pull me into Her arms, so close, and tell me everything IS going to be okay. I want Her arms wrapped around me, fingers running through my hair. I need to feel that warmth and safety and security that only Her touch can give me...scary, that I'm only a day into being away from Her...last night, right now, I was curled up to Her side, dreading daybreak, yet feeling complete still....

Reminiscing over my past few weeks (written as a letter to a dear friend)

Please pardon the personalization parts of this include, fore it was initially began as an email/letterto a dear friend, which turned into an emotional, reminiscing piece, that I thought may be appropriate to share here....



Hey you sexy lesbian you! I miss you too!! Mucho!!

So, the day before my bday (July 1st) ...the day we had to be out of the duplex, DaddyR pulled a bucket of crazy, and got us a last minute flight up to newark...amazed! That night we all drove up to Mass for the weekend, and spent the weekend with all of Her friends...the ones that I was terrified to meet, that I was hidden from for so long....so, it was amazing. I had never felt so welcome, and at home, in my life! It was amazing!! I lufffff them all! *grins* so, they all made my birthday incredibly special and it was just great! Days in the sun, out by their pool...letting Chloe play in the water and all that jazz...great bloody marys (lol) great company...just bliss!! Not to mention, it was pretty stellar, knowing that I was finally getting to meet all the mostest important people to Her. We had a stellar time...we even went to meet Her sister, who LOVED Chloe, and was uber sweet! I can't even put into words what a great time I had!
So, after we went back to NJ, we spent about a week at Her house, where I got to be Her happy lil houewife again, and just bask in the glory of being by Her side. The following week we went and housesat for a friend of Hers....awesome again!
Chloe had space to run and play, R and I got space to ourselves, without having to share space with roomates, Chloe got a room of her own to sleep in, again, giving R and I space...it was just great! We got to 'play house' as if it were our own....*le sigh*
so, after all of the awesome times then, including a super trip to the aquarium, as well as fun times at the park (which are on YouTube...search babygirlaften) we returned to Her house, which was still super, just having Her beside me every night....((god, I miss Her so much tonight...it's the first night we have been apart)) 
tons more fun...Her friend kept Chloe one night and the entire next day and She and I got real alone time-- dinner and movie/play time that night, and the next day, late breakfast (meaning we both got to sleep in!!) and then a busy day of shopping at the Premium Outlets! Daddy got me an ADORABLE skirt AND a new dress!! Not to mention, the previous weekend,when we went to the mall with Chloe...She picked out a super cute dress for me AND one for Chloe! (She spoils Her babygirl*s*) anyways, we had a super fun filled day off of parenthood, full of wicked crazy shopping and great times together!

So, that was that....we have hunted some apartments, and actually found one that we may take, but it isn't available until September 1st...so if She doesn't find something better and/or sooner, we may take that one...now, we just have to wait...the funds to move in (any place) up there are pretty intense...She is shooting for 1 month...and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that She can make it happen.....Daddy makes things happen.........


So, today, unfortunately, Chloe and I had to leave....we flew down to Alabama,  and are hoping that it will just be for the month....

((oh lawrd...here comes the A-motion *yes, I made a play on the word emotion*))

god, Mikey, I miss Her so much, already....I feel like my heart is breaking into a million little pieces. I know She is doing everything that She can to get us back up there, immediately...sometimes I just fear that it's going to be too much pressure on Her, or that I'm going to get upset over some trivial thing and be too much of a brat, and She's going to not want me/us anymore...I know I (we--me & Chloe) can be a LOT to take on, and I think a lot of my fears come from me, because I don't know if I could handle it, were the situation to be reversed; I just love Her so much....and I'm so scared...and not being with Her right now is hitting HARD.
At this point, all I can do is hope that things move quickly and smoothly....


So, dear Mikey, now that I have written you a short(ish) novel, I shall stop my babbling!  I had some time though, and thought I ought to share...and it was a nice little reminiscence of my past few weeks with my amazing DaddyR....*tear* keep your fingers crossed for soon success!! (after all, after we get settled, you MUST come up, visit, and meet my dearest Daddy, who would LOVE LOVE LOVE to meet you...as you know! *giggles*) With that being said, my sexy lesbian *wink* I will go for now...call/text/email...anytime! I missssss you...and our amazing 'straight' dates!

Xoxo.
A

Too much?

Today...what an emotionally tolling day. We have been up in NJ with DaddyR since July 1st...and today, left. I feel so broken without Her by my side...so, so broken...

I know She is adamantly looking for an apartment for us, so C and I can come back as soon as humanly possible, and we can resume our happy little family, but having to turn my back and walk through that airport again today was shattering. Sobbing, tears running down my face, and trying to pull it together so my our daughter doesn't see it and get upset....
I feel like I am trying to justify all of my feelings right now, which I am, but the bottom line right now is, without Her beside me, I feel like my heart is in a tourniquet...like I cannot exist as a whole anymore. I have grown so used to being by Her side; falling asleep and waking up in Her arms...knowing that I will not tonight, or tomorrow, or for a while now, is such a disheartening feeling. I am so used to and happy with that elated feeling Her love fills me with.

I know this is not only hard on me, but on Her as well. I know She is under even more pressure than I am, to find our home and provide for our family, but that doesn't necessarily make it more palatable for me. I wish I was in Her arms still....I wish I had a more concrete timeline for whe. We will be together again, but ultimately, I know the pressure is a lot on Her, and it terrifies me...it terrifies me that She has so much pressure on Her- what if it's too much?

I never want to be or cause too much for my One...my Hunni, my Lover, my Partner, my Daddy....

I laid in bed this morning, with my arms wrapped around Her, so thankful for the way She makes me feel. I laid there, my body pressed firmly against Hers, thinking to myself, 'this is my Daddy...She's so amazing.' rolling over, She wrapped me up in Her arms; so closely, so tightly...I laid there thinking what bliss it is, being beside Her. Running my fingers over Her skin, pausing in my favorite places, bubbling over with joy....
She makes my world right. She fills my babygirl heart with more joy that I can ever convey in words. My Daddy, my Lover, my Partner....my all.