little Chloe...allows me to discreetly be in babygirl mode *grins*

So, today little miss Chloe (also known as my mini, or C) got a *big* my little pony. She is so neat! The pony, Pinkie Pie, is a pony that you can do her hair and stuff. ..she came with a cutesy little comb, blowdryer, and bunches of little clippies! I saw her, fell in love with her, showed her to c, who also fell in love with her...and then we got to get her, take her back to the house, and play! Little Chloe was all about brushing her hair, as well as her (first) new baby doll's, (who she calls Bay-bay) hair, and putting clips in it...as well as her own. She was so funny, rocking out her pony's hair clippies! **Supah-fly**
It was fun, and extremely freeing today, to sit on the floor with my mini-- her plopped in my lap--and just play. I ended up putting Pinkie Pie's hair in a ponytail and 2 braids with 2 clippies...and just letting her tail be. Lol! (yes, I highjacked mini's new pony for a bit *giggles* annnnddd we put 2 clippies in Bay bay's hair *grins* ...as well as the one in my mini's hair, which she was totally rocking it out! I was in the mostest bestest babygirl space i have had in so long, for those couple hours. It felt really good, to just let go, and let my babygirl heartmshine freely..
So, we had fun today...a lot of it. I cannot believe how big she's getting!! She brushes babydolls hair? And her own?? She's learning to effectively color in coloring books, without eating the crayons....she colored with sidewalk chalk the other day!?! Oh my...she's just growing up so fast, and as much fun as it is
, its so terrifying! My mini is getting so big, so fast.... *tears...don't know if they are happy or sad ones!*

I just cannot wait to give her what she really needs and deserves...her family. Mummy, mommyRhonda, Chloe and her(my) doggie. I can't wait to take her HOME. (echoes in my head...'soon, babygirl, soon.)

So, last night i was needing cuddles...missing Daddy more than words can express, and unable to get ahold of Her, so, in a selfish moment, to pacify myself, I actually kidnapped mini out of her bed while she was sleeping, and put her in bed with me. She was so precious...her little head on my pillow with me, curled up at my side, her little arm thrown over me....it felt good...I've missed her little cuddly self in bed with me every night. I figured, one night wouldn't break her though....perhaps it was actually good for the both of us *smiles*

So there's my babble...my little baby is getting not so little!! Eeks! ...i dont know how i feel a out this

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I love how Daddy can make everything okay with just a few words...just a simple 'I love you babygirl' and the world seems brighter...

She makes me complete...I have found my One, and I love it...

Last night a friend of mine and I were on the phone talking about the people we are with, and how much the distance sucks. (we are both involved in LDR's) As we continued talking, I was saying how much it hurt sometimes, being apart and whatnot. She sat there and said to me, 'wow. You really are in love.' it was kind of funny how she said it though...in complete shock. We have known each other for quite sometime, and the amazement in her voice was so mind-blowing...she was very happy that I am so happy...but even more happy that I sounded so head over heels in love...

It's enlightening to hear from someone else how in love you are with someone, just by the sound in your voice when you talk about that special person...as my dear friend said, I finally found my One....

The light at the end of the tunnel

Sometimes life can be hectic- so hectic. Things get to where you don't know what is what...you cannot tell what end is up. The good news in times like these are that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don't think there will be...sometimes, you just need someone to remind you that everything will be okay.

That is exactly where I am right now. Beginning to come out of the chaotic stress, and have that glorious light shine through; that light that has been trying so hard to shine through, but at times has been dimmed by unfortunate circumstances, only to be focused in on again by the words of my Daddy. 
There have been so many days lately where everything just seems like it is too much to handle. There have been so many times where I have felt so hopeless and lost, as if nothing matters. I've felt inadequate on so many levels-- as a mother, a partner, even as Her babygirl. I have felt as though I could not pull through this chaotic mess. I have been scared of what may happen. I have been scared that She would no longer want me, because I have acted like such a little brat and tried to push Her away, without meaning to in the moment when really, all I've wanted is for Her to pull me closer. To tell me 'everything is going to be okay, babygirl....' and that is just what She has done.
She has shown me, in so many ways, just how important I am to Her. How much She loves me. How much She also desires our family....no matter how bratty I've been...

This past month has been very difficult for me. My mini and I have been in Alabama, with an ex of mine. (yes, slightly awkward for me, but that's neither here nor there at this point) Daddy has trusted me completely, which feels good, but the whole situation has been less than desirable. I have had my poor 15month old in a one bedroom apartment, on the 10th floor, in downtown Montgomery, in an icky, disgusting, dirty, apartment. It's had me stressed to the point of breaking out in head to toe hives...it's been less than ideal, by far. 
We were expecting to be here until the beginning of september, however, after a gracious offer, we will be taking the last leg of our trip before being able to settle down, in Fayetteville, North Carolina. On Tuesday afternoon, Chloe and I will be flying out of here to spend the duration of our separation from Daddy in Fayetteville, with Laura. Chloe will have the space in a house to run and play, as well as a huge backyard...and not only Laura's doggies, but our doggie, Thumper(who I cannot wait to wrap my arms around and cuddle!!) I'm really excited to be going someplace that I feel is adequate for my mini...she deserves to have so much more than she has here in this skeevy little apartment! ...and then, after the next couple weeks, she and I both will have my Rhonda(Daddy) and her MommyRhonda back....for keeps....

So, as the month winds down, it comes closer to going back to Daddy...to going home, at last. Saying 'home' feels so good. I long to be in Daddy's arms again oh so very much. The thought of being by Her side every night as I fall asleep, and every morning when I wake is the most amazing thought in the world....'soon, babygirl, soon' these words echo in my head every day...and make things better, even when it seems as though that light at the end of the tunnel is dim...somehow my wonderful, amazing Daddy always seems to point me in the way of that effervescent light again...She always has Her way with me.....(hehe...on a myriad of levels)

With that being said, I am going to wind down and curl up with Daddy's tshirt, and dream of Her....just wanted to update! I am trying to work blog time in...really!!

Xoxo.
~A

What a horrendous night this has turned into...all I want to do is to talk to Her...to hear Her voice again...to hear Her say 'sweet dreams babygirl' and that She loves me...is that so much to ask for?
After a god awful, horribly stressful day, I just want to feel Her love surrounding me...but instead I feel Her discontent with me; with my brattiness...sometimes *this* babygirl goes into a space that needs Her not to just give up on me at that moment, rather pull me closer...like She initially did tonight...before poofing away (although I do believe it was due to connectivity issues) it still hurts a lil bit....

I suppose I will go to bed and stop stressing, seeing as though that is the LAST thing I need to do, especially with these horrendous hives I am covered in, supposedly due to stress...I can wrap myself up in Her tshirt, and cry myself to sleep...just as I have done so many nights recently...

I hate this so much...3 weeks....3 long, tiresome, stressful, itchy weeks......I don't know how to soothe myself at this point....I just want OUT of this shitty place, and back into the arms of my Daddy,

Daddy........

Wrapped in Your shirt
Like my armor
I am safe.
Others know where I am at
And I feel You with me.
I feel Your presence
More than You could ever know.
I feel Your warm embrace...
Your breath in my ear...
Your lips upon my cheek.

I know that even though Your far away
You are with me...
And I am with You...
No matter what.

Your love keeps me safe.

<3

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So, I wrote a blog...of substantial length. Then I smartened up. The things I was saying were intimately personal things. They illustrated my innermost feelings in quite a graphical sense. ...ergo, I decided to pull the blog.
I am frustrated. I am irritated. I am inconsolable. I am bratty. I am hurt. I am confused...yet deep down in, under all of the pain I am feeling, I am still loved.

And this is all that matters.

sweet dreams Daddy

I see that smile as You fall asleep; as I tell You sweet dreams, and other mundane things I am thing....it warms *this* babygirl heart even more. That simple smile brings more happiness than You can imagine...

I love You Daddy. I love You more than words can express. The only thing getting me day to day is knowing that soon I will be by Your side. For good.

That I'm Yourbabygirl, for keeps, just as You are my Daddy.

Briefing....also known as an update.

So, tonight I am enjoying the sanctity of solitude...at least for the time present.

After a bit under two weeks here in Alabama, I am feeling that 'drop,' quite intensely, of not having my DaddyR by my side. (yes, I know and understand that She is doing Her damnedest to have me and Chloe there ASAP, and I truly appreciate this with every fiber of my being, but that does not mean that I am not able and entitled to having my own negative feelings due to us being apart) With that little side note being said, I am quite distraught over our distance. Again, yes, I signed up for this, in becoming involved in a LDR, yet, again, I am entitled to my feelings...(babygirl, yes. Strong-minded, yes. Good combo? Not always)

Really, this blog has no true purpose. I miss Her more than words can express. Currently, I am covered, head to toe, in hives...no idea why, honestly, However, I truly believe that they are somewhat related to my emotional state. Stress=sucking...perhaps there is some other hidden evil behind all of these itchy, burning red blotches, but I will not cease to believe that some element of them is due to stress...stress of not being with Her.

So, now comes the true question...why am I taking this so rough? Why is so having such a negative effect on me, this time, yet it hasn't impacted my wellbeing to this extent before?
Well, gentle readers, that's a damn good question...one that I only wish I had a true answer to...
The biggest reason I attribute to this is that as time moves forward with Her and I, I become more emotionally invested, as well as vulnerable. Yes, vulnerability scares the hold beegeezus out of me...but also, yes, it is worth it this time. For once, it is finally worth it to feel--both the ups and downs; the highs and lows--everything. Sheis worth feeling everything I trust Her...a lot more than I am readily willing to admit...

With that being said, I am going to return to my evening of solitary asylum...while waiting for that ever-so-longed-for call, from Her....I just thought this was a good time for a quicky! (get your head out of your pants! I'm referring to an update!*grins*)

***oh, and please forgive any horrendous typos...I'm not proofreading tonight.***

Sleepy...so sleepy.

Pretty certain that I just posted a blank blog, by mistake...in any event, this is short, sweet, and to the point...

Today has been a very long day. The baby was intense, to say the least...all day.
I've been feeling all sorts of separation anxiety with my DaddyR, and all we can do is wait, and hope for the best....
As chloe and I were playing games on the iPad with pictures, it felt like I couldn't breathe. It was all I could do to keep a straight face. My heart hurt, so badly, knowing that I am not with Her right now....

We talked for a little bit, but today has been a long day, so it ended with Her falling asleep on skype with me...I can still see Her, which makes it a bit better...

I'm wrapped up in Her tshirt, in bed, winding down now...I just wanted to throw a few lines up...perhaps some sense was made of them, but I don't really know...I'm so exhausted, on such a myriad of levels...

With that being said, I am going to sleep, wrapped safely in Her tshirt, with Her sleeping skype beside the bed....

Thank You, Daddy

Today was not an easy day, but when it comes to a close, one can more easily evaluate it in all....
I am not going into a play by play, nor am I sharing why it was not an easy day; rather tonight, I am here to thank my Dasdy for everything She does.

I know that things can be, and are, extraordinarily difficult at times. For me and my Daddy right now, this is the time. This is the time that our dreams are close enough to touch, but then slip away, so quickly, to return to us later. This is the time that She tells me She would understand if I walk away, yet I tell Her I would never do that...these are the times that our love is put to the true test...but are able to withstand everything that this world throws at us. This is the time where WE prove how strong WE are, together, as one, rather than apart, as two...

After a very turbulative day, to say the least, I believe we will come out stronger for it. It doesn't feel like that right now, but I know that we will be even stronger for it... Things I learned today today did do hurt. My babygirl heart feels as if it is breaking in ways, but at the same time, it is okay. I know that my Daddy is doing everything in Her power to give me...us...what we most desire....Each other, and OUR family.

I know that my Daddy would do anything possible to bring us back together immediately, yet unfortunately, it is not always that easy. My heart is screaming out, and crying and bleeding for Her touch again...knowing that I cannot do anything right now to make everything easier hurts more than I ought to try to explain...I just want to help Her.......

Back to my initial purpose...the day has been long, stressful and difficult; but I believe it is all going to be okay. *This* babygirl has been in her fierce, strong, kickass femme mode, and that is perfectly okay. Daddy likes that Her babygirl can stand on Her own if needed; that she can be strong; that in difficult times, she can step up and support her Daddy, just as Daddy does for her... Daddy likes the dynamic personality that Her babygirl possesses.

With that being said, I want to express my gratitude to my Daddy for giving me the time tonight to reconnect with my babygirl...I needed to feel that safety and secureness tonight, just for a little bit, and although Her day was more difficult than mine in many ways, She allowed my babygirl space. I needed the moments to be free again...to feel carefree for those moments....to know that no matter what, I am safe with Her, in each and every way.


My Daddy may not be the stereotypical Daddy, but She is MY Daddy. She still shares real emotion with me and gives me a voice, no matter what....even when I don't want one. She is more perfect than I could ever begin to express. She is sweet, and sensitive...caring, nurturing, loving...yet only has to say one word in that firm tone of voice to push me in the right direction. My Daddy is perfect. She is perfect for me, even when She doesn't believe She is....
She makes all of my dreams become reality....


I love You DaddyR. You give me more than You will ever know...I just wish I could return to You what You give to me....

A